My Cancer diagnosis-iversary!

It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻
This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life. 

If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper….. 

Dear Abbie,

There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.

It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.

This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts. 

Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.

You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that. 

You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.

You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale. 

Good luck!  And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud! 

Love Abbie