Have you ever in your life had to ask yourself that question? Your answer may be….YES, if your leg hair is at an unacceptable length, and you really feel it’s time to get rid of the evidence that it’s starting to make you look like Teen Wolf! Only ever happens during the winter months though, right?
Or if your armpit hair is protruding just that millimetre too much?
Or your hair ‘down there’ happens to be visible on the other side of your knicker line! (I have to say I’ve never let that happen myself, never had that ‘situation’!)
But I’ve never had to ask the shaving question about the hairs on my head? Have you?
As I type this, I sit here having had two chemotherapy treatments for grade 3 breast cancer.
“So, your results show that there is a sign of cancer in your right breast” I was told on the 3rd December 2020. “It’s quite an aggressive type, so we’d like you to start chemotherapy very soon….before Christmas”. (Bang goes my family Christmas bubble we were allowed for one day!) How in the hell do you compute that information when actually you were told a few months prior that the mass you felt in your boob was just excess fibrous tissue??!! I was in total shock hearing the news! I did not expect to hear those words muttered. And I was on my own due to Covid rulings of attending hospital by oneself. And also because I was in denial, I guess, and thought it would be just fine. How wrong was I?
The oncology specialist spoke the words very clearly and concisely and in a matter of fact manner (I’m not blaming her one bit); I still thought I was hearing things. I was silent for a few minutes trying to take it all in then the reality hit me…..and the tears came in floods. And even more so when I was handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ brochure to take away.
So, I started treatment on 18th December. It’s a big lump I’m told….10cm…sh*t….that IS big!!
Not only that but, as I mentioned in my first blog, I’m told I may probably need a mastectomy after the chemo as it’s spread to the lymph nodes, then radiotherapy and then reconstruction of my one breast. The ‘good’ boob crying out….’why not get me done too, so we can look symmetrical?!’ Not a question I’m wanting or willing to answer yet, thank you very much.
It was a whirlwind of a few weeks just prior to what is usually my most favourite time of year, being a 44-year-old kid at heart! Suddenly, I couldn’t think about anything else but this lump in my boob and asking myself ‘How the hell did you come about? Who gave you permission to reside in MY body? How dare you take away my excitement for Christmas with my 5-year-old special little boy, who, for the first year is really starting to ‘get’ Christmas and understand what it’s all about?’
But do you know what, everyone, I’m going to kick cancer’s ass, I can promise you all that!!!!
I’ve been using the scalp cooling cap they suggest trying, to give my hair a 50% chance of staying put, but it was really thinning, coming out in droves in my hand every time I ran my hands through it.
“I’m so sorry, hair, I will never be frustrated with you again. When you grow back, I will never shout at you when you don’t style the right way, I’ll never complain that you’re too curly to handle and too wayward to tame. I’m sorry. Please come back!”
Yes, it’s all a bit cr*p, this situation I find myself in, but I’m bloody determined to beat this and am keeping a very positive mindset and a brave, fighting spirit.
So, back to the point…..the decision to ‘brave the shave’ had been made, and I could literally cry at the thought. Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror with no hair? [Cue…polishing up my makeup application.] But my head was starting to itch badly, and I had pins and needles going on in that area. I felt it was time.
My beautiful, awesome and brave friend, Kelly, who I’ve known since we were 12 years old, offered to shave her head also, and ‘hold my hand’ throughout the whole process. ‘I can’t let you do that’ I told her. She was insistent. I kept saying to Kelly that she didn’t have to shave her perfectly good, well-behaving head of hair but somehow I felt I was taking away her will and her want to help me through this painful time.
My special, truly wonderful and supportive lifelong friend, I will always remember what you’re doing for me….ALWAYS.
COVID-19 was stopping us from doing this in person but there we ‘stood together’ using the wonder of technology, metaphorically holding hands, to carry out the deed.
And then it was done! Oh, my word, how liberating. Emotional, scary and liberating all rolled into one big, fat emotion. And now I wish I’d done it sooner.
And I can look at myself in the mirror. It took me a few days to be comfortable with it, but I can do it now. Because, ultimately, I may have no hair on my head, but my heart hasn’t changed and my soul is the same. Having no hair doesn’t define me as a person, as a woman….I’m still me, a good, kind person, with or without hair. And that will never change!
Abbie’s Boobie Blog 