Tag: Positive thinking

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Breast Cancer Recovery

My ‘Perfect Imperfections’ tell the story of my survival…This is Me!

 

This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!

“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.

“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”

These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant. 

“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.

I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.

I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me.

The Greatest Showman

So dear readers – THIS IS ME!

Drawing by Laura Clifford

This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning. 

The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind). 

And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in. 

A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?” 

It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance. 

The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is. 

My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.

A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.

#belikeabbie

Categories
Breast Cancer Recovery

Thank you Cancer, You Picked the Right Girl!

An odd, possibly slightly controversial, sentence to see written before you, right? I bet you blinked twice and repeated it to yourself again thinking you’d read it wrong the first time. Some may think I’ve gone stark raving mad, think I’m deluded. In fact, I imagine many of you would think that. And I wouldn’t blame you. ‘She’s delusional!’ I hear you say. ‘She’s bloody bonkers’ I see your lips mutter. No judgment please folks….hear me out if you will.

Have you ever wondered why you get so much shit landing in your lap? Why bad stuff happens to you? Why you feel like you’ve done wrong in a past life and life says: ‘here, have this crap to deal with and while you’re at it, dearest current life, whilst you’re here, add a shed load of shit shavings on top of that won’t you!’

Well, my life has been and continues to be pretty good if the truth be known. I have had my fair share of rubbish times though, domestic violence/physical and mental abuse inflicted on me, that leading to depression, loss of three friends in car accidents, grief of loved ones, baby loss, a challenging (yet now adorable) child in his early years before an Autism diagnosis was handed to him, and then, to top it off…..’effing’ breast cancer. 

But…..have you ever been so peaceful about life’s process? The ‘road map’ of life that’s been handed to you. Do we understand why certain crappy happenings have been sent our way, handed to us to cope with? ‘Aaaaaaahhhhhhh I know why’ I say to myself, I understand why I had to endure what I’ve had to, which is far less than most have had to deal with. I know precisely why…..it’s all to make me stronger, to give me the fight and confidence I was lacking, to let me know I can overcome anything if I put my mind to it. I get it now. 

The latest challenge might have taken my right boob away from me forever, but I am thankful this challenge gave me a clearer general perspective. And it may have taken the majority of my fingernails but they’ve grown back now. And the life challenge I mention may have taken my hair for a short while too but hey, it’s growing back and it’ll look how I want it to look soon enough. And I wonder as it grows whether it’ll be better quality than before it decided to go AWOL because it was in shocking condition before. Dry and brittle from being subjected to too much heat from straightening irons. 

‘So, let’s start a fresh, shall we?’ my life plan proclaimed. ‘Let’s give this particular human being a reason to start over again. Begin life again with a clean slate.’

So, my advice is this if it’s worth anything……always give love to what tries to take you down, tries to ruin you and trust that all that comes to you is meant to for your own self development. 

If you don’t LOVE the life you lead you’ll always find yourself trying to re-boot the computer images in your mind…….

*Technical Support:*

Yes, how can I help you?

*Customer:*

Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Could you guide me through the process please?

*Tech Support:*

Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

*Customer:*

Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

*Tech Support:*

The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

*Customer:*

Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it ok to install Love while they are running?

*Tech Support:*

What programs are running?

*Customer:*

Let’s see….I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudges, and Resentment running right now.

*Tech Support:*

No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudges and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

*Customer:*

I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

*Tech Support:*

With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudges and Resentment have been completely erased.

*Customer:*

Ok, done! Love has started installing itself. Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

*Tech Support:*

Don’t worry. In non technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive Self, Realise Your Worth, and Acknowledge your limitations. Then the update is complete and everything will run smoothly from now on. 

……And THAT, dear readers, is how I got over Breast Cancer. I forgave it for coming to me. For me, it’s now not ‘F*ck You Cancer, you picked the wrong girl!’ It’s ‘Thank you Cancer, you picked the right girl!’ 

#belikeabbie

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Uncategorized

My Cancer diagnosis-iversary!


It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻
This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life. 

If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper….. 


Dear Abbie,

There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.


It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.


This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts. 


Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.


You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that. 


You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.


You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale. 


Good luck!  And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud! 

Love Abbie

Categories
Coping With Bad Days

It Seems I AM Normal……Hooray!

Ok….so, Today….can DO ONE! 

It seems I AM normal! There was me thinking I was Wonder Woman! This super human being who is loving that cancer has shown up to teach me life long lessons for which I will always show gratitude. Smiling through the sh*t times, laughing through the even sh*ttier times. #belikeabbie right? It’s a great mindset to have. 

But today can p*ss right off! Today can get out of my face, turn on its heels and go back to where it came from, preferably a trillion, zillion miles from here. 

Do you get those days? When all you want to do is cry, wallow, say ‘why me?’. To the life dealer, scream….. ‘What have I done so wrong that you chose to give me this raw deal? Cut me some slack, will you?’ Today I want to shout from the rooftops, ‘Cancer, you a**hole! Why did you pick on me? What did I do to deserve this?’ 


As soon as I woke, the day started off with some bad thoughts. Yesterday, and many days prior, was the opposite, the ‘good thinking’ days. Why the bad thoughts today? I don’t have the answers to that. There was NO apparent reason why the negative thinking kicked in. It just did……it happens from time to time even to me, who is generally upbeat. I AM human after all, not superhuman. 

Today, I awoke, put a pretty top on and thought ‘what is the point in wearing that when you’ve got a bald head and can’t possibly look feminine!’ What’s the point in trying to look nice. YOU’VE GOT CANCER FFS! 

I just want my old life back ‘pre breast cancer’, I want my hair back, I want my eyebrows back, my eyelashes too. (You can keep your leg and underarm hair because not having that is actually quite handy!) I don’t want to wear the ‘it’s-so-bloody-obvious-I’ve-got-cancer’ head wrap anymore. I want to be in someone else’s company and not have to worry about my low immunity situation, worrying whether they’ll pass something on to me and it’ll affect my recovery. 

 I mean, for Christ’s sake, today, in my mind, people close to me are taken ill and I can’t go and see them. We call the ambulance out for my son because he’s swallowed his own tongue! My niece is taken from us in the most cruel way possible. My nephew is beaten to a pulp by thugs…..I mean, for crying out loud (one of the sayings I’d, on occasion, hear my mum saying when I was young) why do I do it to myself? Why do I conjure up these thoughts in my own head? They haven’t happened, they’re not real!! Do other people do this? Am I on my own here? 

So, lovely people, today, may well be a ‘bad thinking’ day for me……but here’s the important thing I need to remember……it’s entirely ok. Here’s when I remind myself….I am in control of my own thoughts. Just me, nobody else. I have total control! And one thing I’ve recently come to learn is that it’s totally alright and acceptable to have those days. Why brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not happening? Why deny these feelings of desperation and pretend that today I’m not in an ‘I am invincible’ mood. Nobody has got life sussed 100% of the time. It’s not real to be on a constant ‘up’. We are complete human beings because of the good AND the bad thoughts and feelings. We are whole and complete because of our light AND our dark. What an invigorating and refreshing thought. 


So, what can I do? I can change it all in my mind with the ‘flick of a switch’. Literally, in an instant.

A very special person in my life, my amazing sister, Vanessa, has taught me that we’re always evolving as people, so it’s ok to experience the bad thoughts and the good thoughts, the weak mind and the strong mind as part of one mind. It’s the law of polarity, you see, opposites that are showing us we are just experiencing different emotions (energy in motion). That’s all they are…..just different emotions passing through us. It’s not wrong, or right, just different.

Because without differences, without contrast, without polarity, there’d be no sun and moon, no day and night, no summer and winter, no dark and light, no up and down, no sun and rain making a rainbow. And where would we be without these contrasts?

With this in mind, when we’re feeling down and having ‘bad thinking’ days, it really is ok because we must remember, there’s always the ‘going up’ to look forward to. And it does happen because, remember…..we are in control of our own thoughts. In TOTAL control! We just make a choice to think more positively. It’s that simple. 

Like taking the rough with the smooth, light and shade in life. Polar opposite thoughts and they ARE ok. It’s ok to feel BOTH of these. Why deny the thoughts that come to us all? We couldn’t do it anyway, not even if we tried. We can’t get them out of our mind once they’re in there. 

So here’s the thing…..from my experience it’s how we VIEW those thoughts that matters, how we PERCEIVE them, how we RESPOND to them, how we let them affect our day that matters…..THAT’s the key, THAT’s what we must focus on. 


So, you may be thinking, how do I get rid of these disturbing thoughts in my head? Here’s what I do……IMMEDIATELY replace them with a good thought, think about what is good in my life, what I am truly grateful for today. The people and things I have in my life that make me smile, make me happy. It’s an instant change in focus. It’s as quick as a click of the fingers. And it’s so interesting to see how fast my mood changes. How quickly I can go from feeling desperate thoughts to feeling ecstatic about life and what I DO have in my life….RIGHT NOW. I’ll say it again, we are in control of our own thoughts. In total control.

So……today, is it actually a bad thing that negative thoughts have crept in? No…..it’s not, it’s just different. And I’m ok with it. I’m content knowing I have the power of thought to switch it, change my whole way of thinking to one on a more positive slant. 


Tomorrow’s a new day anyway and tomorrow, because I am in total control of my own thoughts……’I choose happy, I choose peace, I choose harmony, I choose gratitude, I choose LOVE.’

Let’s just see what kind of day I have….’ 😊 I’ll bet you can guess. 

#belikeabbie – acceptance for what is……it’s liberating!

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Uncategorized

Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie