Tag: Mastectomy

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Breast Cancer Recovery

My ‘Perfect Imperfections’ tell the story of my survival…This is Me!

 

This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!

“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.

“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”

These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant. 

“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.

I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.

I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me.

The Greatest Showman

So dear readers – THIS IS ME!

Drawing by Laura Clifford

This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning. 

The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind). 

And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in. 

A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?” 

It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance. 

The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is. 

My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.

A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.

#belikeabbie

Categories
Breast Cancer Recovery

Thank you Cancer, You Picked the Right Girl!

An odd, possibly slightly controversial, sentence to see written before you, right? I bet you blinked twice and repeated it to yourself again thinking you’d read it wrong the first time. Some may think I’ve gone stark raving mad, think I’m deluded. In fact, I imagine many of you would think that. And I wouldn’t blame you. ‘She’s delusional!’ I hear you say. ‘She’s bloody bonkers’ I see your lips mutter. No judgment please folks….hear me out if you will.

Have you ever wondered why you get so much shit landing in your lap? Why bad stuff happens to you? Why you feel like you’ve done wrong in a past life and life says: ‘here, have this crap to deal with and while you’re at it, dearest current life, whilst you’re here, add a shed load of shit shavings on top of that won’t you!’

Well, my life has been and continues to be pretty good if the truth be known. I have had my fair share of rubbish times though, domestic violence/physical and mental abuse inflicted on me, that leading to depression, loss of three friends in car accidents, grief of loved ones, baby loss, a challenging (yet now adorable) child in his early years before an Autism diagnosis was handed to him, and then, to top it off…..’effing’ breast cancer. 

But…..have you ever been so peaceful about life’s process? The ‘road map’ of life that’s been handed to you. Do we understand why certain crappy happenings have been sent our way, handed to us to cope with? ‘Aaaaaaahhhhhhh I know why’ I say to myself, I understand why I had to endure what I’ve had to, which is far less than most have had to deal with. I know precisely why…..it’s all to make me stronger, to give me the fight and confidence I was lacking, to let me know I can overcome anything if I put my mind to it. I get it now. 

The latest challenge might have taken my right boob away from me forever, but I am thankful this challenge gave me a clearer general perspective. And it may have taken the majority of my fingernails but they’ve grown back now. And the life challenge I mention may have taken my hair for a short while too but hey, it’s growing back and it’ll look how I want it to look soon enough. And I wonder as it grows whether it’ll be better quality than before it decided to go AWOL because it was in shocking condition before. Dry and brittle from being subjected to too much heat from straightening irons. 

‘So, let’s start a fresh, shall we?’ my life plan proclaimed. ‘Let’s give this particular human being a reason to start over again. Begin life again with a clean slate.’

So, my advice is this if it’s worth anything……always give love to what tries to take you down, tries to ruin you and trust that all that comes to you is meant to for your own self development. 

If you don’t LOVE the life you lead you’ll always find yourself trying to re-boot the computer images in your mind…….

*Technical Support:*

Yes, how can I help you?

*Customer:*

Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Could you guide me through the process please?

*Tech Support:*

Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

*Customer:*

Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

*Tech Support:*

The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

*Customer:*

Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it ok to install Love while they are running?

*Tech Support:*

What programs are running?

*Customer:*

Let’s see….I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudges, and Resentment running right now.

*Tech Support:*

No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudges and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

*Customer:*

I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

*Tech Support:*

With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudges and Resentment have been completely erased.

*Customer:*

Ok, done! Love has started installing itself. Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

*Tech Support:*

Don’t worry. In non technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive Self, Realise Your Worth, and Acknowledge your limitations. Then the update is complete and everything will run smoothly from now on. 

……And THAT, dear readers, is how I got over Breast Cancer. I forgave it for coming to me. For me, it’s now not ‘F*ck You Cancer, you picked the wrong girl!’ It’s ‘Thank you Cancer, you picked the right girl!’ 

#belikeabbie

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Uncategorized

How Did You Do It?

“How did you do it? Survive cancer?”….. My friends have said.

People have asked me how I did it. Many have said, “How did you fight cancer with such an upbeat attitude, a smile on your face for the majority of the time and continuing to enjoy life and laugh a lot through the truly awful process? I couldn’t do it.” 

My answer is this: “Yes you could”.

I’m no more special than you are, I’m not stronger than you, I’m really not. But I chose to have the courage to keep going in the face of adversity, when I was given reasons to not keep going, and that’s the truth of it. You could do the same if you just made the choice to be brave and courageous. 

Everything that I have been through, here’s the list. (This is for information purposes only and I would add it’s not as much as some have had to cope with in life):

  • Lump found Dec 2019
  • Given the all clear Feb 2020
  • March-Sep 2020 lump still there getting bigger and bigger
  • Return to Drs…..Grade 3 breast cancer diagnosis Dec 2020
  • Chemotherapy and all its side effects (fatigue, mouth sores, throat problems (ongoing), bowel problems, breathlessness, sore fingertips (unable to open cans etc), nose bleeds, nausea and sickness, hair loss, nail loss, facial cellulitis)
  • Single mastectomy and reconstruction surgery (overcoming the surgery itself, intense pain, physical changes in my body therefore emotional experiences learning to adjust)
  • Finishing off with 3 weeks of intense radiotherapy every weekday
  • Early induced menopause at age 45 still to come….

And still I kept going. 

You see, all you have to do in the face of adversity is hold onto hope even when you could easily give up hope. 

Life is hard, it’s true, but why say….”I’ll be happy when…..[fill in the blank]?” 

People are afraid to be happy sometimes because life IS hard and there are a lot of reasons to be afraid, a lot of reasons to give up on life but, you see, there are also a lot of reasons to be thankful. Where would you rather put your focus?

Life can be very tough at times; my advice is to embrace both ends of the stick where life is concerned. Embrace that life is hard AND beautiful. Why do we feel like we have to choose one to focus on? Go with it and embrace the hard parts just as much as the easy parts, the sh*t bits just as much as the good bits. When we embrace the rollercoaster of life, that’s when life is harmonious and we feel alive.

And why be ashamed to say ‘my life is hard, I’m not coping’. (I have been saying that often over the last couple of weeks at the time of writing this). You CAN cope but it’s ok to think you can’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s truth. Truth is real. And the reality is we don’t always cope and that’s entirely ok. Why deny that? 

A quote I heard recently….”When we deny the pain of today, we deny the hope of the future” and I agree, why do that? Both are real feelings.

Life doesn’t get easier, life is not simple. What IS simple is your view of the life you lead if you choose to embrace both ends of the stick. 

So that’s how I did it. That’s how I survived cancer. And that’s how I am still living my life now…..cancer free. 

#belikeabbie

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Uncategorized

Abbie’s Life Rules for Living….I mean REALLY living!

I didn’t die…..YES!

[She says as she punches the air] 

Below are my top tips for living a happy life no matter what you’ve got going on? Why wait? Live it now. #belikeabbie

This may take five or so minutes out of your life to read. Read on if you want to….don’t if you don’t. 

It’s a very surreal feeling to be told you have a life-threatening disease. It doesn’t sink in to start with. It’s not reality, it seems, until you have no choice but to face it. 

Yes it’s true, having cancer has changed me. And I’m not apologetic about it. Correction….it hasn’t changed ME, it’s altered my perception of life. I’m still me. What it has done has woken me up, helped me to see the beauty in life that sometimes is lost in the constant worry. When dealing with a life threatening disease an element of control of how you live your life is taken out of your hands but not how you choose to live it.

I didn’t fear death. I didn’t want it to happen, of course, but I didn’t fear it. When you are faced with the possibility of a life cut short, you see that precious life through different eyes, more appreciative eyes. You stop fretting about the insignificant, meaningless stresses in life and do what you can to make your time on this earth wonderful, harmonious and worthy, minus the shit bits. 

If a similar situation was presented to you, God forbid, wouldn’t you want to enjoy your time here on this earth to the absolute max?

My question to you is this….WHY WAIT? I pray the same doesn’t happen to you. But nevertheless, are you living your best life right now? 

My advice to anyone who wants to live their life to the full as it is NOW, I mean right now, with less worries, it’s simple, do the following:

1). Practice gratitude. Find things to be grateful for in each day. I have a gratitude buddy, two in fact, and we message each other every day with at least four things we are grateful for that happened throughout the previous day. We have been doing this for over 6 years….our gratitude list gets sent to each other every single day, without fail! This has still happened through baby loss, an aeroplane crash, spats with loved ones. Could you find yourself a ‘gratitude buddy’?

2). Appreciate nature. Get outside, fill your lungs with air, come rain or shine. So what if your hair gets wet in the rain. There is always a raincoat with a hood, a hat or an umbrella. As long as you’re prepared, it’s ok. And if you’re not prepared, go with it. What does it really matter? Notice the trees, see the colours of the different flowers. And breathe in deeply. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.

3). Don’t stress over the small stuff. So you’ve spilled the cocktail sticks on the floor. Or the full tub of natural yoghurt slips from your hands and splatters everywhere! Or the bag of frozen peas splits and they all fall to the floor rolling about, some ending up under the fridge. You stub your toe or bang your head. It’s not the end of the world. Pick them up, mop it up or rub it better and move on with your day. 

4). Moan less! See the world through forgiving, happy, loving eyes. See other people the same way. The world will give back forgiveness, happiness and love to you in return as will the people in it. So, I repeat….moan less. Plus, it’s far nicer to spend time with people who don’t constantly whinge! 

5). Help others more. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Make a difference. Give of yourself to others. Give your time, your love, your expertise, your shoulder, your care. Be kind and give, give, give. 

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have witnessed so much love and care from people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words, cards and gifts. And as for the support I have been given from my loved ones, family, friends and strangers, I will always remember this and will be forever grateful to all of these beautiful people.

6). Why stress over striving for perfection…it’s impossible. If a hair is out of place….sod it. If your tired eyes look puffy, your flabby thighs wobble through your trousers or your stretch-marked tummy stares back at you in the long mirror each morning, accept it and enjoy your day anyway. I guarantee you nobody else sees what you sometimes see in yourself. 

7). Listen to music you love. Lose yourself in the lyrics, the melody. Music is therapy. 

8). Say ‘No’ if you want and don’t feel guilty when you do say no. It’s ok to say you don’t want to do something. 

9). Have the treat. Eat the chocolate brownie, order the pizza, scoff the biscuits, indulge in the extra cupcake. And enjoy every crumb. No guilt. 

10). Love your body, no matter what flaws you think you see in the mirror. Those ‘so called’ flaws are part of you, they make up your character and the right people in your life will love them. If they don’t love them then they’re not the ‘right’ people. So, accept the cellulite on your legs, be ok with the stretch marks you have or, in my case, the one fake boob. Nobody’s perfect…..nobody. Despite what we see in the media sometimes.

11). Be mindful of the fact that your mental and emotional health is so important for emotional stability. Practice mindfulness every day including positive affirmations to yourself. Mental health = how you think. Emotional health = how you feel. Feed your mind with positive energy to achieve more of a balanced life. Think happier thoughts to feel happier. 

12). Worry less about what other people think of you. If you’re essentially good and kind and can rest your head on the pillow at night knowing this fact, that’s all that matters. What people think of you otherwise is their problem, not yours. (Axe murderers reading this, I’m not sure you’d be resting your ‘good’ head but then I can’t imagine this blog is your kind of reading material anyway!!!!)

13). Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with every bit of your soul.

14). Make time for you. Have some alone time, be with your own thoughts. Do what you choose to do, once a day at least. It’s essential. Self care is a must.

15). Sometimes….just stop! Stop in the rat race of life and listen to the birds, feel the rain on your face, hear the sound of running water, stop and appreciate life and all its wonders. Because there are many. Sometimes they are just hidden. 

16). Don’t remain in a scenario that makes you miserable. A job, a dispute….be brave and walk away. Life’s too short to be unhappy in a situation. You do have the power to change it. Have the guts to do something about it. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being anything but content and happy.

17). Love yourself. And I’m not talking in a conceited ‘I love myself and everyone else loves me’ kind of way but in a healthy self respect kind of way. Be brave enough to look in the mirror and love and respect who you see looking back at you. The reflection will then love and respect you back. You are worth it.

18). Make people feel important and special. Imagine an invisible sign around everyone’s neck saying just that, ‘make me feel important’. Elevate others. 

19). Be kind….always. You never know what someone is going through in their own life. 

20). Smile! One of my favourite mottos….‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. Smile at strangers. It may be that they needed to see your smile that day. And they’ll pass it on. And so on and so on. 

Life is an echo, a boomerang…what you give out is what you will get back.

21). Accept the shit bits in your past. “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow” (credit: a lyric from a Taylor Swift song). Accept it for what it is, accept what’s happened and move forward, evolving as a person. Live life in the present without worrying about the past or the future. 

22). Realise the power you have to create the life you want. When you realise that you created some of the crap you may be currently experiencing, you understand you have the choice to let it go. You created anger…let the rage go. You created the resentment so you can let it go. You created hatred….release it. You created [fill in the blank]….all you have to do is let it go.


23). Be you. And as long as you are respecting and being kind to others, be ok with being you. It’s ok to be you, everybody else is already taken anyway. The world needs you, know your worth.

24). Don’t let anyone control your thoughts and your life. Have your own say…..always with tact and diplomacy. Be your own person.

So, anyway, there you have it….one cancer survivor’s life advice top tips. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind. 

Living my life over the last few months has been turbulent but I’ve paid attention to how I’ve lived it; the above points I guess I already knew but have been reaffirmed to me and what I have found to be true. 

The thing about life is that it is fragile and unpredictable. It is also precious and each day is a gift.

Appreciate life every day, laugh often. And smile. Be the reason someone smiles today. It really is that simple. Do what makes your heart feel happy.

Life is what you make it. Make it a good’un. You only get one shot at it. 

#belikeabbie

#choosehappy

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction

Thunder Thighs are Go!!!!!!

In a previous blog, I informed you lovely people about the fact that my thighs and my bottom have always been the parts of my body that I wish were a little slimmer. My exact words were, ‘they’re a bit flabby it has to be said’. They’ve never really been the same since my four knee operations years ago following my many years as a dancer…..Well, am I glad I’ve got wobbly thighs now!! Read on….and I’ll tell you ALL about how my flabby thighs could, in fact, be my saviour when it comes to my reconstructed boob!

So, it was time for me to meet my breast surgeon in person and chat about all things ‘cancer in my titty’ related. 

Ooohhhh, here we go….I feel it coming in….take a guess what I’m going to do here….off on a tangent I go! 🤣 The other day, I googled ‘alternative words for breasts’ so I wasn’t just using the obvious ‘breast’, ‘boob’, tit’ and ‘boobie’ in my blogs. 

I am about to share with you my absolute favourites. But, firstly, let me tell you that when I was younger, say about 18, old enough to be in a pub….although I had been frequenting a certain local pub in the village, in which I grew up, for two years leading up to my 18th birthday. When I walked into the pub with one of those huge birthday badges pinned to my top with a 1 and an 8 on it side by side, the landlord, JT, said to me, with a look of horror on his face, ‘18????? You’ve been drinking in ‘ere for two years Abigail!’ (You will notice his usage of my full name here!) Ah well yes, JT, I know.’ I responded. ‘But isn’t it better that I’ve been in your good establishment lining your pub pockets sipping on my Hooch, Barcardi Breezers or Malibu and Coke rather than drinking Strongbow from a plastic bottle on the common round the corner?’ He didn’t say much to that. I think he managed to muster a grunt as he walked away with his hunched shoulders to feed his dog, THE BIGGEST DOG I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE by the way! Forget the TV star dog ‘Digby’, this dog, ‘Legend’, was not a dog-sized animal, he was more akin to a donkey! Massive hound it was. So, I’ll never know whether JT had a little smirk on his face as he turned away from me or a fierce frown realising that he’d been serving an under aged drinker for two years! Sorry JT. Bit late to apologise now, I know, but I did have such fun in your, slightly grotty, pub in my late teenaged years. Thank you for the good times. Now go and rest a few pieces of sweetcorn on those bushy, curled up eyebrows of yours. 😬

So, on the subject of fun in JT’s pub. I was 18 or so and I was always pretty flat chested before this time. Then suddenly, after going on ‘the Pill’, I’d acquired some rather large bazookas (well bigger than the bee stings I was used to walking around with. That’s what ‘they’ used to call my baps…people can be so cruel!) So, because having an ok set of mammaries was fairly new to me, I became so very proud of them. And….(oh my gosh, I think back now and cringe. Sorry Mum!)….I used to flash them to the older lads in the pub. Only for a couple of seconds before hiding them away again under my skin tight crop top. ‘Dear God Abbie’, I am saying to the older, more sensible version of me with way more grace and decorum, ‘what were you thinking girl?!’ I was then being goaded by the older lads to keep doing it on occasion. As soon as I heard the words, ‘Hey Abbie, show us yer Barrichellos!’ I knew it was my cue. I feel mortified now, looking back! Oh well, I can’t turn back the clock. Haven’t we all done things in the past we regret?! 

Anyway, going back to my favourite alternative names for boobies, here is my list:

Breasticles, LalliesDouble-Whammies (It looks like I’ll have a Single-Whammie at the beginning of May!! 😳)Lady Lumps, Super Mamio Sisters, Brad Pitts, The Mitchell Brothers (shall I call my remaining one Grant or Phil?) Norks (oh I love this one and when you use this term, it’s best to say it like this…..Nooooooorks!) Jubblies (I hear this one a lot!) Rack (someone once said to me ‘nice rack’! I actually didn’t know what they were talking about (oh so innocent!). I had to ask the friend I was with what the chap was saying to me to which she replied, “just smile and say ‘oh thanks’”. Dear readers, if you have any favourite Boobie terms, please do share! It could entertain us all. 

Sooooooo…..now it’s time to revert back to the meeting with my breast surgeon. I won’t bore you with all of the intricate details. But in a nutshell, I went along to meet her and to learn about what to expect from the mastectomy surgery, the procedure, the recovery time, that sort of thing. It was confirmed that I would most definitely need radiotherapy to zap the remaining cancerous cells and the we discussed breast reconstruction. Firstly, she asked my reasons for wanting a reconstruction. To which I replied that my work (daytime work and evening work) are industries where I’m ‘on show’, so to speak, and that from an emotional point of view, I feel I’d cope better with having two breasts rather than just one. I’m not taking anything at all away from those ladies who have had mastectomies and chosen to stay ‘flat’ as is the term, and not have a breast reconstruction, but for me, and my mental health, it is important. It’s all entirely a personal choice and we should all be allowed to have our personal reasons and respect each other’s views on this. 

The surgeon continued to speak and inform me about the different types of reconstructions there are, generally, and then proceeded to tell me that breast implants, which I thought I would like to consider, wouldn’t be an option for me, as it’s strongly suggested that implants shouldn’t be inserted after radiotherapy. So that ruled that option out….first blow. I thought I’d have more options, more choices. 

Then the surgeon spoke about the different parts of my body from which they could take natural materials, my fat or muscle. She was implying that because of my slight frame (oh I really, really LOVE you, I thought!) there wasn’t many places on my body from which she felt they could take fat to create a ‘lady lump’. Can you see where this is going? Well, I didn’t see it at first. I wasn’t cottoning on to what she was trying to tell me. At this point, I noticed that she sat forward a bit, knowing I was keen to have a breast reconstruction once my scar had healed, and told me that a reconstruction may not be possible. That I will never, at age 44, have a right breast. But I would still have my left breast. My emotions came up from the pit of my stomach, up towards my throat, and out through my eyes. I sobbed and sobbed! The tissues were handed to me and I drenched them. I regained my composure after a few minutes and we carried on. 

Soon after, it was time for her to physically examine me. She confirmed that, yes, there was not enough fat on my stomach to be used to reconstruct a breast, there wasn’t enough fat on my back (‘back fat’ I like to call it) to reconstruct a breast. (My heart was in my throat!) Then it came to my bottom and thighs. There wasn’t enough fat at the top of my bottom to reconstruct a breast. Mixed emotions at this point…..Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!! I metaphorically punched the air. In that moment I celebrated the fact that I didn’t have enough bum fat to aid the reconstruction. I no longer had what was perceived to be a sizeable, and a bit flabby, behind. YES!!!! My whole life I’ve had comments about my rounded posterior….no longer my friends. It ain’t got enough fat to make a bazooka….result! However, this obviously meant it was another place on my body that couldn’t help me in this situation. And wooosh….I’m back ‘down there’ again. What a wave of emotions in one 1.5 hour appointment. No wonder I was feeling so emotionally and mentally drained when I walked out of those hospital doors. 

There was only one place left to look at….my inner thighs…..and here is where I repeat the title of this blog….Thunder thighs are GO!!!!!! I am superwoman with chunky thighs. (She goes and grabs her purple superhero cape and flies off to save the world from being crushed between her inner thighs!)

The surgeon spoke from behind the curtain where she had examined me and got hold of my thighs: “There is more here than I thought just from looking at you in your clothes”. There was definitely an element of surprise in her voice when she discovered there was something a bit more substantial to grab hold of. 

Oh what a relief. My thigh fat can be used to recreate my right Breasticle. AND, even though it’s going to be a HUGE operation….cut open thighs, take fat from thighs, stitch up thighs, make a Boobie from that fat, stitch that up….what’s the greatest result here? Not only a new ‘Brad Pitt’, but….THINNER THIGHS!!!!!

Albeit a massive scar left on my inner thighs for the rest of my life but still…….Thunder Thighs Are Go!
#alwaysasilverlining 😀

Best I get eating my incredibly delicious but fattening homemade stilton and broccoli soup, with heavily buttered bread on the side, chocolate cake and perhaps some ice cream for dessert and get these thighs ready for action! (she says scoffing pizza in her face!!!!)

#belikeabbie

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To Shave or Not to Shave…? That is the question

Have you ever in your life had to ask yourself that question? Your answer may be….YES, if your leg hair is at an unacceptable length, and you really feel it’s time to get rid of the evidence that it’s starting to make you look like Teen Wolf! Only ever happens during the winter months though, right? 

Or if your armpit hair is protruding just that millimetre too much? 

Or your hair ‘down there’ happens to be visible on the other side of your knicker line! (I have to say I’ve never let that happen myself, never had that ‘situation’!) 

But I’ve never had to ask the shaving question about the hairs on my head? Have you?

As I type this, I sit here having had two chemotherapy treatments for grade 3 breast cancer.

“So, your results show that there is a sign of cancer in your right breast” I was told on the 3rd December 2020. “It’s quite an aggressive type, so we’d like you to start chemotherapy very soon….before Christmas”. (Bang goes my family Christmas bubble we were allowed for one day!) How in the hell do you compute that information when actually you were told a few months prior that the mass you felt in your boob was just excess fibrous tissue??!! I was in total shock hearing the news! I did not expect to hear those words muttered. And I was on my own due to Covid rulings of attending hospital by oneself. And also because I was in denial, I guess, and thought it would be just fine. How wrong was I?

The oncology specialist spoke the words very clearly and concisely and in a matter of fact manner (I’m not blaming her one bit); I still thought I was hearing things. I was silent for a few minutes trying to take it all in then the reality hit me…..and the tears came in floods. And even more so when I was handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ brochure to take away. 

So, I started treatment on 18th December. It’s a big lump I’m told….10cm…sh*t….that IS big!! 

Not only that but, as I mentioned in my first blog, I’m told I may probably need a mastectomy after the chemo as it’s spread to the lymph nodes, then radiotherapy and then reconstruction of my one breast. The ‘good’ boob crying out….’why not get me done too, so we can look symmetrical?!’ Not a question I’m wanting or willing to answer yet, thank you very much. 

It was a whirlwind of a few weeks just prior to what is usually my most favourite time of year, being a 44-year-old kid at heart! Suddenly, I couldn’t think about anything else but this lump in my boob and asking myself ‘How the hell did you come about? Who gave you permission to reside in MY body? How dare you take away my excitement for Christmas with my 5-year-old special little boy, who, for the first year is really starting to ‘get’ Christmas and understand what it’s all about?’

But do you know what, everyone, I’m going to kick cancer’s ass, I can promise you all that!!!!

I’ve been using the scalp cooling cap they suggest trying, to give my hair a 50% chance of staying put, but it was really thinning, coming out in droves in my hand every time I ran my hands through it.

“I’m so sorry, hair, I will never be frustrated with you again. When you grow back, I will never shout at you when you don’t style the right way, I’ll never complain that you’re too curly to handle and too wayward to tame. I’m sorry. Please come back!”

Yes, it’s all a bit cr*p, this situation I find myself in, but I’m bloody determined to beat this and am keeping a very positive mindset and a brave, fighting spirit.

So, back to the point…..the decision to ‘brave the shave’ had been made, and I could literally cry at the thought. Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror with no hair? [Cue…polishing up my makeup application.] But my head was starting to itch badly, and I had pins and needles going on in that area. I felt it was time. 

My beautiful, awesome and brave friend, Kelly, who I’ve known since we were 12 years old, offered to shave her head also, and ‘hold my hand’ throughout the whole process. ‘I can’t let you do that’ I told her. She was insistent. I kept saying to Kelly that she didn’t have to shave her perfectly good, well-behaving head of hair but somehow I felt I was taking away her will and her want to help me through this painful time. 

My special, truly wonderful and supportive lifelong friend, I will always remember what you’re doing for me….ALWAYS.

COVID-19 was stopping us from doing this in person but there we ‘stood together’ using the wonder of technology, metaphorically holding hands, to carry out the deed. 

And then it was done! Oh, my word, how liberating. Emotional, scary and liberating all rolled into one big, fat emotion. And now I wish I’d done it sooner. 

And I can look at myself in the mirror. It took me a few days to be comfortable with it, but I can do it now. Because, ultimately, I may have no hair on my head, but my heart hasn’t changed and my soul is the same. Having no hair doesn’t define me as a person, as a woman….I’m still me, a good, kind person, with or without hair. And that will never change!