Tag: Hairloss

Categories
Breast Cancer Recovery

Thank you Cancer, You Picked the Right Girl!

An odd, possibly slightly controversial, sentence to see written before you, right? I bet you blinked twice and repeated it to yourself again thinking you’d read it wrong the first time. Some may think I’ve gone stark raving mad, think I’m deluded. In fact, I imagine many of you would think that. And I wouldn’t blame you. ‘She’s delusional!’ I hear you say. ‘She’s bloody bonkers’ I see your lips mutter. No judgment please folks….hear me out if you will.

Have you ever wondered why you get so much shit landing in your lap? Why bad stuff happens to you? Why you feel like you’ve done wrong in a past life and life says: ‘here, have this crap to deal with and while you’re at it, dearest current life, whilst you’re here, add a shed load of shit shavings on top of that won’t you!’

Well, my life has been and continues to be pretty good if the truth be known. I have had my fair share of rubbish times though, domestic violence/physical and mental abuse inflicted on me, that leading to depression, loss of three friends in car accidents, grief of loved ones, baby loss, a challenging (yet now adorable) child in his early years before an Autism diagnosis was handed to him, and then, to top it off…..’effing’ breast cancer. 

But…..have you ever been so peaceful about life’s process? The ‘road map’ of life that’s been handed to you. Do we understand why certain crappy happenings have been sent our way, handed to us to cope with? ‘Aaaaaaahhhhhhh I know why’ I say to myself, I understand why I had to endure what I’ve had to, which is far less than most have had to deal with. I know precisely why…..it’s all to make me stronger, to give me the fight and confidence I was lacking, to let me know I can overcome anything if I put my mind to it. I get it now. 

The latest challenge might have taken my right boob away from me forever, but I am thankful this challenge gave me a clearer general perspective. And it may have taken the majority of my fingernails but they’ve grown back now. And the life challenge I mention may have taken my hair for a short while too but hey, it’s growing back and it’ll look how I want it to look soon enough. And I wonder as it grows whether it’ll be better quality than before it decided to go AWOL because it was in shocking condition before. Dry and brittle from being subjected to too much heat from straightening irons. 

‘So, let’s start a fresh, shall we?’ my life plan proclaimed. ‘Let’s give this particular human being a reason to start over again. Begin life again with a clean slate.’

So, my advice is this if it’s worth anything……always give love to what tries to take you down, tries to ruin you and trust that all that comes to you is meant to for your own self development. 

If you don’t LOVE the life you lead you’ll always find yourself trying to re-boot the computer images in your mind…….

*Technical Support:*

Yes, how can I help you?

*Customer:*

Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Could you guide me through the process please?

*Tech Support:*

Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

*Customer:*

Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

*Tech Support:*

The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

*Customer:*

Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it ok to install Love while they are running?

*Tech Support:*

What programs are running?

*Customer:*

Let’s see….I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudges, and Resentment running right now.

*Tech Support:*

No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudges and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

*Customer:*

I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

*Tech Support:*

With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudges and Resentment have been completely erased.

*Customer:*

Ok, done! Love has started installing itself. Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

*Tech Support:*

Don’t worry. In non technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive Self, Realise Your Worth, and Acknowledge your limitations. Then the update is complete and everything will run smoothly from now on. 

……And THAT, dear readers, is how I got over Breast Cancer. I forgave it for coming to me. For me, it’s now not ‘F*ck You Cancer, you picked the wrong girl!’ It’s ‘Thank you Cancer, you picked the right girl!’ 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction

Build-A-Bear vs. Build-A-Boob

Which shop would you rather visit? Hear me out here folks….then I think I can hazard a guess as to what your answer would be. 

So, the Build-A-Bear shop. At first I thought I was mistaken as to whether there was such an establishment. I use our old friend, Google, to find out if I was imagining this ‘stuffing something and making a cute, cuddly thing’ experience and it appears I am not mistaken. There is actually a shop called ‘Build-A-Bear’. 

Have you taken a visit with your child or grandchild or perhaps the random kid you happened to be looking after that day, to keep them busy and entertained and to stop the constant whining of….’Can I watch Bear in the Big Blue House’ or ‘Why isn’t Playhouse Disney on?’ or ‘I don’t want to watch Loose Women, what about my programmes?’ or the phrase ‘I WANT ANDY’S DINO TOY BOX!’ on repeat at a high level of decibels. 

I find on Google that their slogan is this:

“Only at Build-A-Bear® can you experience the fun of making your own custom soft toys, plushies and teddy bears”. 

Ok, so firstly, what the hell are plushies? Can I call my chest area ‘plushies’? 

Well….I’m not interested in Build-A-Bear here, oh no no no, dear readers, I’m talking about a different kind of shop altogether….and it’s called Build-A-Boob. Build-A-Boob (in my own warped imagination so humour me here folks!) is the shop you go to when your ‘Norks’, your ‘Bodacious set of Tartars’, those ‘Juggling Balls’ need updating. Or in my case, just the one boob, the rogue tit that misbehaved and went and let Cancer in, just the one side that needed to be revamped, totally built from scratch. At least at Build-A-Bear you get the fur casing as a starting point, the warm and cuddly outer shell. At Build-A-Boob the shopping experience is a whole different ball game. Yes, it’s similar in that you get to stuff the outer casing (albeit not quite so furry unless you suffer from an abnormally hairy chest. Thankfully I don’t) but, you don’t end up with something warm, cuddly and full of heart and soul, it’s a bit cold and heartless, albeit an amazing creation, it has to be said. 

So, lovely peeps, come on into my, frankly quite weird, imagination…..let’s explore the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob, shall we?

Firstly though, I wonder what my Build-A-Boob slogan would be? How’s this for starters? 

Hmmmm….let’s make it a little bit more realistic shall we…..?

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pain of having your mammory removed, then making your own custom Tit, Plushy or Nork with an alien imposter”.

(Oh yes, I think I’m going to have lots of fun with this! 😉 Those who know me well know that lightheartedness and lots of laughter was the only way to be, in my opinion, when you’ve just gone through the truly shitty journey that is cancer).

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob will you learn to sleep upright for days on end, sleeping like a pencil in one position, frightened to move an inch for fear of rolling on said newly formed and tender tit!”

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the frustration of leaving your drains behind, which are actually attached to your body under your armpit, when you get up in middle of the night for a wee because you’ve momentarily forgotten they were there!” (That was certainly an ‘Ouch’ moment, I can tell you).

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pulling muscle sensation when you lift the kettle forgetting that your newly built Tit, Plushy or Nork is trying to tell you to ‘Stop doing too bloody much woman!’”

(I really AM having fun with these made up slogans….!) 

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the depressing realisation of seeing one boob stand to attention, and the other one head south a bit (gravity has taken hold!) whilst that ‘drooper’ states in a rather frustrated tone of voice, ‘I’m darned if I’m gonna stay like this, like a saggy ‘has-been’ for the rest of my existence!’”

I could go on but perhaps I ought to stop there! 

So, getting back to the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob.

At the stuffing a Teddy Bear variant, once you are done and your bear is stuffed, you can make the bear talk. You can choose a pre-recorded message that says something like, ‘I love you’ when you press it in the middle, on its tummy. You can choose a heart for it, kiss it and make a wish, before it then gets sewn up.

At my boob equivalent shop, when you press the middle of the boob, which incidentally has been cut open and ‘un-stuffed’ first, all the material taken away and replaced with silicone, it’s not the boob that says anything it’s me saying ‘ouch, that’s so bloody painful!’ So the boob itself doesn’t say a thing, quite obviously, unlike the programmed teddy bear. But IF the titty could talk I wonder what it would say? Possibly this……’I’m the best you got now girl!’ or ‘Appreciate me more would you as I’m only here because Cancer isn’t’. Hmmmmm….I take your point oh precious boob that’s just been created, is here to stay and is an indication that I am, in fact, alive. Instead, I shall begin thanking you for showing up.

Ok, so, now let’s look at the similarities between the two establishments, shall we?

The stuffing itself that is inserted in the Bear AND the Boob! Yes, they both have a filling but the type of filling in each is entirely different altogether. No need to elaborate any further on that one. 

You get a certificate with the Build-A-Bear showing its date of birth and similarly at my Build-A-Boob shop, you get a guarantee for yer tit/s from the date of creation….pretty much the same thing don’t you think? You get to name your bear and if you so desire, you can name your chest creation too. Although mine doesn’t have a name. Anyone fancy making suggestions?

Another similarity…..the fur or hair. The bear has fur. Ok, so the boob doesn’t have hair as such, only those little natural body hairs. Here I go….I feel I’m about to go off on one of my infamous tangents!

On the subject of the inevitable hair loss that comes with the kind of chemotherapy I was having. I lost all of my hair. And I mean ALL of it, everywhere. Even my nose would run because the hairs up my nose had gone AWOL! Who’d have thought.

And the little fluffy hairs we have on our face, they went too. I was told that one of the side effects of chemotherapy might mean my skin sheds or can flake off. Oh my gosh…I was horrified at the thought. Panicking at the thought of looking like a character from a horror movie. Only to notice that my skin had actually never looked better. It looked fresher, felt more supple, plumper (in a good way)….but why? They told me it could flake off. Ahhhhh I know why……I’d lost those little facial hairs. Of course it looked better. Think of a man’s chin when it is shaven versus not clean shaven. It looks clearer, appears cleaner. So of course my face could, and did, look fresher. 

So, I’d go so far as to say I preferred the way I looked when undergoing chemotreatment….figure that. Then when those little facial hairs came back, when the hair follicles kicked into action again, I noticed I needed more moisturiser on my face, it needed more hydration, it seemed more difficult to apply the foundation onto my face because those hairs got in the way. 

Don’t get me wrong I do not want to have to endure chemo again to have better looking skin, oh no thank you very much! Just merely an observation. It was an interesting discovery. 

So to conclude….I declare my imaginary Build-A-Boob shop now open for business and I am my own first client, the shop has had its first sale, so to speak. 

Just think, nobody will be able to call me ‘saggy tits’ when I get to a certain age where gravity will take over to a greater degree. Well…they may call me ‘saggy tit!’ But all my friends will be called ‘saggy tits’….plural….so I WIN! 

Hmmmmmm….something tells me my shop isn’t going to be very busy, I may have to close down sooner than I anticipated. In all honesty, let’s bloody hope so, eh! After all, who really wants to have to come through the doors to my imaginary shop? Not if they can help it. 

So, I guess the moral of this story, don’t purchase from my Build-A-Boob shop if you don’t have to. If you do come to me, I’ll assume you’re here because Cancer decided to invade your life too. And for that, I am sorry and I am here for you. Remember, we are in this together, us warriors. 

P.S. I did take my little boy to a Build-A-Bear workshop not too long ago .. he built a very cool bear and named him R2-D2. He dressed him in dungarees, roller skates and added some glitter for extra sparkle. Definitely a fun outing!

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

The Disturbing Moment When you Realise your Face is Lopsided!


Crikey me!!! Have you ever wondered about whether or not your face is normal, in proportion and symmetrical? Hmmmm…..probably not. I can’t imagine you’re as weird or as over analytical as me! 

It’s only when you end up with no head hair and very little in the way of eyebrows that you actually notice these things that would ordinarily pass you by. It becomes more apparent when there’s almost a blank canvas with which to work, that perhaps all is not ‘normal’ on the face front! Dissymmetrical, wonky and lopsided are the words that spring to mind.

Let me explain what the hell I’m going on about. 🤣 One morning as I was going about my daily morning routine of getting showered, dressed, preparing myself for the day ahead, makeup at the ready, I had noticed that my eyebrows decided to go AWOL, not completely gone but almost non-existent. How very dare they! I mean, as if having Cancer isn’t bad enough, right? But your eyebrows then screaming ‘hey, we’re off mate, we can’t cope with sticking around to feel the effects of this bloody chemo, it’s hurting us!’ I know it’s unpleasant, dear eyebrows, but hell, keep me company whilst I’m going through it, won’t you?! Did you not stop to think that I might actually need the emotional support? You could have stuck around and ‘held my hand’ through this sh*t time but no….you go and ‘do one’. Well, thank you very much for your support guys! 

And to add salt to the wound, to make matters far worse, I noticed that my eyelashes have joined my eyebrows in their swift exit out of there. Bloody charmin’! Oddly, only on one eye. I’ve got more lashes on my left eye than my right, so it looks even more odd!  Damn you chemo, now I really do look a bit strange. Help! Here’s where I make the sensible decision to apply double the amount of mascara to just that one eye with less lashes, to try and make it all look a bit more even when I look in the mirror, or when I bump into people I know for a chat. If I didn’t do this, it could be a situation of those people looking at me, racking their brains to work out what is different about my ‘boat race!’ 


So, my eyebrows and my eyelashes deciding to sod off was the last nail in the coffin. Oh dear, maybe not the most appropriate term to use under the current circumstances. Sorry….that’s pretty sick isn’t it? I apologise. On that note though, I did have a very fleeting thought about what kind of coffin my family would choose for me. An entirely natural thought eh? Oh god….no….quick, change the subject! It’s really not funny though. Absolutely not something to quip about. Me thinks I’ve taken the joking just that bit too far!! Sorry….forgive me. 

Anyway, back to the point. Without eyebrows, we do look a bit strange, don’t we? 



They certainly define the eyes quite a lot don’t they? Without them our face looks a bit bare near the hairline. Don’t you agree they make a difference?


So, on noticing my eyebrows had pretty much gone completely, I selected my eyebrow pencil from my makeup bag and got to work to try and create a look that was presentable using the very helpful guide below to help me determine where to pencil in……



…only to notice, on scrutinisation….hold on, what’s wrong with my face? My nose doesn’t appear to be central on my face. It’s very odd! So when I then proceeded to pencil in some eyebrows I was finding it increasingly difficult to ‘get it right’ because my nose isn’t where it should be. Or is that my eyes aren’t where they should be? Am I making sense? Maybe not. You’re most likely wondering ‘what the actual f**k is Abbie going on about?! It’s difficult to explain so, if you will, Google can give you a more comprehensive explanation. And it seems it has actually been a talked about topic. And there it was, in black and white….the facts (well, the reliable facts from The Sun newspaper!) speak for themselves, staring me hard in the lopsided face. One word enveloped me…..Devastated! I was being well and truly smacked hard in my eyebrow and eyelash deprived face! Hmmmm….Google, you used to be my friend. You’ve always been quite helpful and informative. But this time, we have fallen out big time….and quite spectacularly. Can our ‘relationship’ come back from this? Is it salvageable?  You’ve cheated on me, let me down and I’m heartbroken! Will we ever get back to where we were before you truly hurt my feelings and sent me crashing down? 


I quote…. ‘Science claims that the most beautiful people have faces that are totally symmetrical.’ So there you have it, that’s not me. Not that I ever thought I was beautiful. Hold on though…my Mum might disagree with that comment. Our Mums all think their own children are the most beautiful little people on this earth. Actually I don’t even think that’s true in this case. I looked a bit like Swee’pea from Popeye when I was a baby! And when I was in my late teens I had THE most ridiculous hairstyle, my fringe standing up straight, rock hard with hairspray. Why did nobody tell me this at the time? I mean, my loved ones let me go out in public like that. The shame, the embarrassment! To be fair though, for those other people more so than me. I was totally oblivious because I was blinkered to how I looked, thinking my hairstyle looked bloody awesome. Anyway, they’re bad, they were the ones who had to be seen in public with me. 🤣.


I continued to read on and see what the ‘very reliable’ Sun newspaper had to say next…..‘Facial symmetry is also linked to agreeableness, extraversion and conscientiousness, so good looking people generally find it easier to make friends and hold down jobs.’ Well that’s me f***ed! Ha ha! No hope for me in this world. I may as well give up now. No point in ever striking up friendships or going for another interview. Computer says ‘NO!’


According to The Sun, ‘Kim Kardashian’s face doesn’t seem particularly different whether its flipped to the left or right. No wonder she can’t stop taking selfies.’ (Ooh and look….copied and pasted….notice that The Sun newspaper article writer had used ‘its’ instead of ‘it’s’ just now….tut tut!).



Hmmmmm….Kim K has got one over on me. I bet I’ve got a smaller bottom though…..ha! 


The Sun goes on to say, ‘Holly Willoughby’s face is perfectly imperfect. We are used to seeing Holly’s gorgeous smile every day on This Morning but these pictures prove her beauty is the sum of her perfectly different-sided visage.’



Ok, Google, you’ve redeemed yourself. That makes me feel better about myself. We can be friends again. We’ve kissed and made up. All is forgiven. Wahoo….I’m saved! There was me thinking I looked like this……


……although on closer inspection, Sloth from The Goonies has got bloody eyebrows! 

Moral of the story, people, embrace your perfectly imperfect look. And don’t, whatever you do, go and shave off your hair and your eyebrows just to find out which bracket you fall into! Symmetrical or dissymmetrical. (Is dissymmetrical even a word? Too late….I’ve written the blog. I can’t change it now. Can’t and won’t. I’m known for making up my own words anyway…’mahoosive’ was a word I made up once to describe my sister when she was 9 months pregnant).
I’ve digressed…..AGAIN!! I’m always doing that aren’t I?


Anyway……..#contentbeingmewhateverilooklike#belikeabbie#baldandproud#myhairwillgrowback#aswillmyeyebrows 😁

Categories
Uncategorized

Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie