Tag: Chemotherapy

Categories
Breast Cancer Recovery

My ‘Perfect Imperfections’ tell the story of my survival…This is Me!

 

This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!

“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.

“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”

These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant. 

“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.

I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.

I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me.

The Greatest Showman

So dear readers – THIS IS ME!

Drawing by Laura Clifford

This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning. 

The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind). 

And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in. 

A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?” 

It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance. 

The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is. 

My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.

A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.

#belikeabbie

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction

Build-A-Bear vs. Build-A-Boob

Which shop would you rather visit? Hear me out here folks….then I think I can hazard a guess as to what your answer would be. 

So, the Build-A-Bear shop. At first I thought I was mistaken as to whether there was such an establishment. I use our old friend, Google, to find out if I was imagining this ‘stuffing something and making a cute, cuddly thing’ experience and it appears I am not mistaken. There is actually a shop called ‘Build-A-Bear’. 

Have you taken a visit with your child or grandchild or perhaps the random kid you happened to be looking after that day, to keep them busy and entertained and to stop the constant whining of….’Can I watch Bear in the Big Blue House’ or ‘Why isn’t Playhouse Disney on?’ or ‘I don’t want to watch Loose Women, what about my programmes?’ or the phrase ‘I WANT ANDY’S DINO TOY BOX!’ on repeat at a high level of decibels. 

I find on Google that their slogan is this:

“Only at Build-A-Bear® can you experience the fun of making your own custom soft toys, plushies and teddy bears”. 

Ok, so firstly, what the hell are plushies? Can I call my chest area ‘plushies’? 

Well….I’m not interested in Build-A-Bear here, oh no no no, dear readers, I’m talking about a different kind of shop altogether….and it’s called Build-A-Boob. Build-A-Boob (in my own warped imagination so humour me here folks!) is the shop you go to when your ‘Norks’, your ‘Bodacious set of Tartars’, those ‘Juggling Balls’ need updating. Or in my case, just the one boob, the rogue tit that misbehaved and went and let Cancer in, just the one side that needed to be revamped, totally built from scratch. At least at Build-A-Bear you get the fur casing as a starting point, the warm and cuddly outer shell. At Build-A-Boob the shopping experience is a whole different ball game. Yes, it’s similar in that you get to stuff the outer casing (albeit not quite so furry unless you suffer from an abnormally hairy chest. Thankfully I don’t) but, you don’t end up with something warm, cuddly and full of heart and soul, it’s a bit cold and heartless, albeit an amazing creation, it has to be said. 

So, lovely peeps, come on into my, frankly quite weird, imagination…..let’s explore the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob, shall we?

Firstly though, I wonder what my Build-A-Boob slogan would be? How’s this for starters? 

Hmmmm….let’s make it a little bit more realistic shall we…..?

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pain of having your mammory removed, then making your own custom Tit, Plushy or Nork with an alien imposter”.

(Oh yes, I think I’m going to have lots of fun with this! 😉 Those who know me well know that lightheartedness and lots of laughter was the only way to be, in my opinion, when you’ve just gone through the truly shitty journey that is cancer).

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob will you learn to sleep upright for days on end, sleeping like a pencil in one position, frightened to move an inch for fear of rolling on said newly formed and tender tit!”

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the frustration of leaving your drains behind, which are actually attached to your body under your armpit, when you get up in middle of the night for a wee because you’ve momentarily forgotten they were there!” (That was certainly an ‘Ouch’ moment, I can tell you).

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pulling muscle sensation when you lift the kettle forgetting that your newly built Tit, Plushy or Nork is trying to tell you to ‘Stop doing too bloody much woman!’”

(I really AM having fun with these made up slogans….!) 

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the depressing realisation of seeing one boob stand to attention, and the other one head south a bit (gravity has taken hold!) whilst that ‘drooper’ states in a rather frustrated tone of voice, ‘I’m darned if I’m gonna stay like this, like a saggy ‘has-been’ for the rest of my existence!’”

I could go on but perhaps I ought to stop there! 

So, getting back to the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob.

At the stuffing a Teddy Bear variant, once you are done and your bear is stuffed, you can make the bear talk. You can choose a pre-recorded message that says something like, ‘I love you’ when you press it in the middle, on its tummy. You can choose a heart for it, kiss it and make a wish, before it then gets sewn up.

At my boob equivalent shop, when you press the middle of the boob, which incidentally has been cut open and ‘un-stuffed’ first, all the material taken away and replaced with silicone, it’s not the boob that says anything it’s me saying ‘ouch, that’s so bloody painful!’ So the boob itself doesn’t say a thing, quite obviously, unlike the programmed teddy bear. But IF the titty could talk I wonder what it would say? Possibly this……’I’m the best you got now girl!’ or ‘Appreciate me more would you as I’m only here because Cancer isn’t’. Hmmmmm….I take your point oh precious boob that’s just been created, is here to stay and is an indication that I am, in fact, alive. Instead, I shall begin thanking you for showing up.

Ok, so, now let’s look at the similarities between the two establishments, shall we?

The stuffing itself that is inserted in the Bear AND the Boob! Yes, they both have a filling but the type of filling in each is entirely different altogether. No need to elaborate any further on that one. 

You get a certificate with the Build-A-Bear showing its date of birth and similarly at my Build-A-Boob shop, you get a guarantee for yer tit/s from the date of creation….pretty much the same thing don’t you think? You get to name your bear and if you so desire, you can name your chest creation too. Although mine doesn’t have a name. Anyone fancy making suggestions?

Another similarity…..the fur or hair. The bear has fur. Ok, so the boob doesn’t have hair as such, only those little natural body hairs. Here I go….I feel I’m about to go off on one of my infamous tangents!

On the subject of the inevitable hair loss that comes with the kind of chemotherapy I was having. I lost all of my hair. And I mean ALL of it, everywhere. Even my nose would run because the hairs up my nose had gone AWOL! Who’d have thought.

And the little fluffy hairs we have on our face, they went too. I was told that one of the side effects of chemotherapy might mean my skin sheds or can flake off. Oh my gosh…I was horrified at the thought. Panicking at the thought of looking like a character from a horror movie. Only to notice that my skin had actually never looked better. It looked fresher, felt more supple, plumper (in a good way)….but why? They told me it could flake off. Ahhhhh I know why……I’d lost those little facial hairs. Of course it looked better. Think of a man’s chin when it is shaven versus not clean shaven. It looks clearer, appears cleaner. So of course my face could, and did, look fresher. 

So, I’d go so far as to say I preferred the way I looked when undergoing chemotreatment….figure that. Then when those little facial hairs came back, when the hair follicles kicked into action again, I noticed I needed more moisturiser on my face, it needed more hydration, it seemed more difficult to apply the foundation onto my face because those hairs got in the way. 

Don’t get me wrong I do not want to have to endure chemo again to have better looking skin, oh no thank you very much! Just merely an observation. It was an interesting discovery. 

So to conclude….I declare my imaginary Build-A-Boob shop now open for business and I am my own first client, the shop has had its first sale, so to speak. 

Just think, nobody will be able to call me ‘saggy tits’ when I get to a certain age where gravity will take over to a greater degree. Well…they may call me ‘saggy tit!’ But all my friends will be called ‘saggy tits’….plural….so I WIN! 

Hmmmmmm….something tells me my shop isn’t going to be very busy, I may have to close down sooner than I anticipated. In all honesty, let’s bloody hope so, eh! After all, who really wants to have to come through the doors to my imaginary shop? Not if they can help it. 

So, I guess the moral of this story, don’t purchase from my Build-A-Boob shop if you don’t have to. If you do come to me, I’ll assume you’re here because Cancer decided to invade your life too. And for that, I am sorry and I am here for you. Remember, we are in this together, us warriors. 

P.S. I did take my little boy to a Build-A-Bear workshop not too long ago .. he built a very cool bear and named him R2-D2. He dressed him in dungarees, roller skates and added some glitter for extra sparkle. Definitely a fun outing!

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

How Did You Do It?

“How did you do it? Survive cancer?”….. My friends have said.

People have asked me how I did it. Many have said, “How did you fight cancer with such an upbeat attitude, a smile on your face for the majority of the time and continuing to enjoy life and laugh a lot through the truly awful process? I couldn’t do it.” 

My answer is this: “Yes you could”.

I’m no more special than you are, I’m not stronger than you, I’m really not. But I chose to have the courage to keep going in the face of adversity, when I was given reasons to not keep going, and that’s the truth of it. You could do the same if you just made the choice to be brave and courageous. 

Everything that I have been through, here’s the list. (This is for information purposes only and I would add it’s not as much as some have had to cope with in life):

  • Lump found Dec 2019
  • Given the all clear Feb 2020
  • March-Sep 2020 lump still there getting bigger and bigger
  • Return to Drs…..Grade 3 breast cancer diagnosis Dec 2020
  • Chemotherapy and all its side effects (fatigue, mouth sores, throat problems (ongoing), bowel problems, breathlessness, sore fingertips (unable to open cans etc), nose bleeds, nausea and sickness, hair loss, nail loss, facial cellulitis)
  • Single mastectomy and reconstruction surgery (overcoming the surgery itself, intense pain, physical changes in my body therefore emotional experiences learning to adjust)
  • Finishing off with 3 weeks of intense radiotherapy every weekday
  • Early induced menopause at age 45 still to come….

And still I kept going. 

You see, all you have to do in the face of adversity is hold onto hope even when you could easily give up hope. 

Life is hard, it’s true, but why say….”I’ll be happy when…..[fill in the blank]?” 

People are afraid to be happy sometimes because life IS hard and there are a lot of reasons to be afraid, a lot of reasons to give up on life but, you see, there are also a lot of reasons to be thankful. Where would you rather put your focus?

Life can be very tough at times; my advice is to embrace both ends of the stick where life is concerned. Embrace that life is hard AND beautiful. Why do we feel like we have to choose one to focus on? Go with it and embrace the hard parts just as much as the easy parts, the sh*t bits just as much as the good bits. When we embrace the rollercoaster of life, that’s when life is harmonious and we feel alive.

And why be ashamed to say ‘my life is hard, I’m not coping’. (I have been saying that often over the last couple of weeks at the time of writing this). You CAN cope but it’s ok to think you can’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s truth. Truth is real. And the reality is we don’t always cope and that’s entirely ok. Why deny that? 

A quote I heard recently….”When we deny the pain of today, we deny the hope of the future” and I agree, why do that? Both are real feelings.

Life doesn’t get easier, life is not simple. What IS simple is your view of the life you lead if you choose to embrace both ends of the stick. 

So that’s how I did it. That’s how I survived cancer. And that’s how I am still living my life now…..cancer free. 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Making a Difference

The Fabulous Force of Boldness and Courage…in Animal Print!

Have you ever thought in detail about the difference between Conceit and Confidence? It’s a fine line, isn’t it? I’m sure you all know some people who hold their head waaaaaaaay above yours, looking down on you as if to say ‘Oh dear, look at you down there, kissing my feet, probably wishing you were up here with me, gliding through life’, and he or she is regarding everyone through his or her self-assured, self-important beady eyes, spending a lot of the time polishing his/her own imaginary halo, donning his/her fake smile, accepting, with big headedness, every compliment you wish to give them and choosing to add a few ‘I am bloody amazing’s’ in there too! The type of person who has no regard for anyone else but their own self inflated ego thinking that everyone actually wants to be them. Errrr…..no thank you.
That’s conceit, right? Self-adulation, vanity to a fault, arrogance, cockiness, being overconfident.

Whereas confidence, or self-confidence, I believe to be self-love, not the same love for self like Mr or Ms Cocky pants over there, more of a healthy self-respect, complete trust in oneself, belief in one’s ability, accepting oneself just as they are.

So, I just have to tell you about the fabulous force of this bold, courageous and confident woman I encountered on the day of my Chemotherapy treatment #5. I was sat in my ‘chemo chair’, wondering what to do next. Would I decide to watch something on my tablet, write more of my blogs, listen to some music, keep listening to the poor chap opposite me who, love him, was informing the nurse of how awful his life is and how he really is experiencing so much anguish? (I felt for him….and the nurse). Or would I decide to respond to well-wishers, text my Mum to say that I love and miss her, message my Dad to tell him that I love and miss him, What’s App my sister to tell her she rocks, she inspires me every day and that I love and miss her, text my friend to tell her she also rocks, and I love her, text my chemo buddy from the last session to see how she’s feeling, text the neighbour’s dog’s puppy to tell it…..a-hem…..I could go on and on!!!!!! (Hey readers, am I normal? Don’t answer that! Sometimes, I actually wonder whether I am sane when I go off on all these weird tangents in my head like this…..hee hee!)

Let me just say at this point, chemo wards are quite surreal really. It’s ever such a welcoming environment. The first ward I was in only had four chairs strategically placed around the room, so quite small really, and a couple of other booths in which you sit on your own. The last ward I was in, there were, I’d say, 14 chairs, and all the patients are sat there, rigged up to their intravenous drips, some patients minding their own business, others conversing with the people next to them, but all of us with an odd expression on our faces, some not quite looking others in the eye, head slightly facing down so as not to be caught looking directly into the eyes of the next person, a knowing on our slightly pale faces that we’ve all got cancer!! We’re all there because we are attempting to, with the help of the necessary equipment, and Dorothy Drip Stand holding her bags of liquid poison, kill off the bastard cells that have invaded our bodies and are attempting to shorten our lives. I don’t know, maybe there’s an element of us all thinking in our minds, ‘I wonder whether you over there, opposite me, three chairs down, will survive this’ or ‘I wonder who you’d leave behind if this horrible disease took you down’. Gosh….how morbid but I won’t lie, it does cross your mind. And then when the few hours of drug administration is over, I say my goodbyes, waving, saying “see ya next time” (for this god-awful experience that nobody really wishes they had to endure). To be fair, it’s not that bad, once the needle is in, you’re just sitting there having a jolly, wondering what to do to pass the time away. It’s quite nice to just stop and sit still rather than be in the rat race of your life that is usually happening around you on a day-to-day basis. See? I’m always looking for those silver linings aren’t I? Tick….another one found!

Anyway, back to the actual point I was making! I had settled on watching some live music on my phone, seeing as I’m missing that part of my life so much and….in walks, sorry….in strides a lady with purpose, heading to her designated ‘chemo chair’ with confidence and panache. Wearing animal print trousers, tigers printed on her loose fitting blouse, fabulously high-heeled boots in red. (I would certainly fall flat on my face if I wore those), and dark glasses, a brilliantly coiffured, cropped, short hairstyle, tinted blonde. She was carrying a designer handbag and swaying from her ear lobes were ridiculously large gold hoop earrings…..WOW……AMAZING! She was totally rocking it. And there’s something to be said in that.

I could tell straight away that she has an unwavering faith and belief that Cancer is not going to bring her down. There was no doubt, in her mind, that she was already healed. I bet she tells herself this like I do.

Now, some people might look at her and think ‘who does she think she is?’ Well, not me, I thought she was fantastic and looked awesome, and I told her so, ‘you look fabulous!’ I said with enthusiasm. And I followed it up with, ‘you’re going to kick cancer’s arse just like me, aren’t you?’ I don’t think I need to tell you what her reply was. You can guess. And she responded to me with absolute conviction in her voice. 

The thing is, she knew what she wanted. She has cancer, like me, but she had a purposeful demeanour displaying courage, fight and belief that this horrible disease would not beat her and will not take her down. It will absolutely not dictate to her.

THAT, my friends, is the only way to be! The only way to cope with this disease. I applaud her.

One thing having a rogue boob has taught me is to have a renewed sense of self-confidence. Confidence has always been, and you may not believe this about me being a singer and performer, one of my ‘things’. One of the aspects I struggle with. My knees knock and my heart pounds before every live performance. I guess it’s because I’m a perfectionist and love to do a good job. But since having cancer, I’ve almost been forced into learning to have more self-confidence because I figured, what choice do I have? Now that doesn’t mean that my new- found confidence will turn into conceit, not ever because that’s not in my makeup. I’m not built that way. 

After shaving my head, it took me a few days to be comfortable at looking at myself in the mirror, to be ok with who was staring back at me. It’s such a shock to the system to see such a huge change in one’s appearance. Why, just because I’ve got naughty boobie cells in situ, which meant my hair fell out, should I dislike what I see in the mirror? We’ve all got aspects of our bodies we dislike, haven’t we? Before this, it was my thighs and my bottom, which are a bit flabby it has to be said. Although since being diagnosed with cancer, I’ve lost some weight and these areas are not quite so flabby……hoorah! Thank you, Cancer, I am grateful to you.


So, I now concentrate on the things I do like about myself. And some people say I have a nice mouth, a nice smile, so I concentrate on that instead and the other aspects of my body that I tended to be unhappy about disappear or dissipate. And I often say in the mirror, “I love and approve of myself”. Try it….see how it changes your perception of your so-called flaws. They tend not to be flaws over time.

And let’s face it, this is going to be so important when I look at myself in the mirror with a scar where my breast once was. As a woman, who cares about her appearance, (well it is my work after all, in beauty, and being on show, so to speak, in the entertainments’ industry), how will this affect my self-confidence? Cue that positive self talk and mind chatter. Let it be my superpower and let it whirl through my mind with fabulous, purposeful force ….just like animal-print trouser lady.

I’ve got this, people. I will own this new territory, this new fight…..you won’t see it for dust! But I’ll have to work hard, I feel. Work hard to see through that scar to my heart, which is always full of love. 

#belikeabbie    

Categories
Uncategorized

The Disturbing Moment When you Realise your Face is Lopsided!


Crikey me!!! Have you ever wondered about whether or not your face is normal, in proportion and symmetrical? Hmmmm…..probably not. I can’t imagine you’re as weird or as over analytical as me! 

It’s only when you end up with no head hair and very little in the way of eyebrows that you actually notice these things that would ordinarily pass you by. It becomes more apparent when there’s almost a blank canvas with which to work, that perhaps all is not ‘normal’ on the face front! Dissymmetrical, wonky and lopsided are the words that spring to mind.

Let me explain what the hell I’m going on about. 🤣 One morning as I was going about my daily morning routine of getting showered, dressed, preparing myself for the day ahead, makeup at the ready, I had noticed that my eyebrows decided to go AWOL, not completely gone but almost non-existent. How very dare they! I mean, as if having Cancer isn’t bad enough, right? But your eyebrows then screaming ‘hey, we’re off mate, we can’t cope with sticking around to feel the effects of this bloody chemo, it’s hurting us!’ I know it’s unpleasant, dear eyebrows, but hell, keep me company whilst I’m going through it, won’t you?! Did you not stop to think that I might actually need the emotional support? You could have stuck around and ‘held my hand’ through this sh*t time but no….you go and ‘do one’. Well, thank you very much for your support guys! 

And to add salt to the wound, to make matters far worse, I noticed that my eyelashes have joined my eyebrows in their swift exit out of there. Bloody charmin’! Oddly, only on one eye. I’ve got more lashes on my left eye than my right, so it looks even more odd!  Damn you chemo, now I really do look a bit strange. Help! Here’s where I make the sensible decision to apply double the amount of mascara to just that one eye with less lashes, to try and make it all look a bit more even when I look in the mirror, or when I bump into people I know for a chat. If I didn’t do this, it could be a situation of those people looking at me, racking their brains to work out what is different about my ‘boat race!’ 


So, my eyebrows and my eyelashes deciding to sod off was the last nail in the coffin. Oh dear, maybe not the most appropriate term to use under the current circumstances. Sorry….that’s pretty sick isn’t it? I apologise. On that note though, I did have a very fleeting thought about what kind of coffin my family would choose for me. An entirely natural thought eh? Oh god….no….quick, change the subject! It’s really not funny though. Absolutely not something to quip about. Me thinks I’ve taken the joking just that bit too far!! Sorry….forgive me. 

Anyway, back to the point. Without eyebrows, we do look a bit strange, don’t we? 



They certainly define the eyes quite a lot don’t they? Without them our face looks a bit bare near the hairline. Don’t you agree they make a difference?


So, on noticing my eyebrows had pretty much gone completely, I selected my eyebrow pencil from my makeup bag and got to work to try and create a look that was presentable using the very helpful guide below to help me determine where to pencil in……



…only to notice, on scrutinisation….hold on, what’s wrong with my face? My nose doesn’t appear to be central on my face. It’s very odd! So when I then proceeded to pencil in some eyebrows I was finding it increasingly difficult to ‘get it right’ because my nose isn’t where it should be. Or is that my eyes aren’t where they should be? Am I making sense? Maybe not. You’re most likely wondering ‘what the actual f**k is Abbie going on about?! It’s difficult to explain so, if you will, Google can give you a more comprehensive explanation. And it seems it has actually been a talked about topic. And there it was, in black and white….the facts (well, the reliable facts from The Sun newspaper!) speak for themselves, staring me hard in the lopsided face. One word enveloped me…..Devastated! I was being well and truly smacked hard in my eyebrow and eyelash deprived face! Hmmmm….Google, you used to be my friend. You’ve always been quite helpful and informative. But this time, we have fallen out big time….and quite spectacularly. Can our ‘relationship’ come back from this? Is it salvageable?  You’ve cheated on me, let me down and I’m heartbroken! Will we ever get back to where we were before you truly hurt my feelings and sent me crashing down? 


I quote…. ‘Science claims that the most beautiful people have faces that are totally symmetrical.’ So there you have it, that’s not me. Not that I ever thought I was beautiful. Hold on though…my Mum might disagree with that comment. Our Mums all think their own children are the most beautiful little people on this earth. Actually I don’t even think that’s true in this case. I looked a bit like Swee’pea from Popeye when I was a baby! And when I was in my late teens I had THE most ridiculous hairstyle, my fringe standing up straight, rock hard with hairspray. Why did nobody tell me this at the time? I mean, my loved ones let me go out in public like that. The shame, the embarrassment! To be fair though, for those other people more so than me. I was totally oblivious because I was blinkered to how I looked, thinking my hairstyle looked bloody awesome. Anyway, they’re bad, they were the ones who had to be seen in public with me. 🤣.


I continued to read on and see what the ‘very reliable’ Sun newspaper had to say next…..‘Facial symmetry is also linked to agreeableness, extraversion and conscientiousness, so good looking people generally find it easier to make friends and hold down jobs.’ Well that’s me f***ed! Ha ha! No hope for me in this world. I may as well give up now. No point in ever striking up friendships or going for another interview. Computer says ‘NO!’


According to The Sun, ‘Kim Kardashian’s face doesn’t seem particularly different whether its flipped to the left or right. No wonder she can’t stop taking selfies.’ (Ooh and look….copied and pasted….notice that The Sun newspaper article writer had used ‘its’ instead of ‘it’s’ just now….tut tut!).



Hmmmmm….Kim K has got one over on me. I bet I’ve got a smaller bottom though…..ha! 


The Sun goes on to say, ‘Holly Willoughby’s face is perfectly imperfect. We are used to seeing Holly’s gorgeous smile every day on This Morning but these pictures prove her beauty is the sum of her perfectly different-sided visage.’



Ok, Google, you’ve redeemed yourself. That makes me feel better about myself. We can be friends again. We’ve kissed and made up. All is forgiven. Wahoo….I’m saved! There was me thinking I looked like this……


……although on closer inspection, Sloth from The Goonies has got bloody eyebrows! 

Moral of the story, people, embrace your perfectly imperfect look. And don’t, whatever you do, go and shave off your hair and your eyebrows just to find out which bracket you fall into! Symmetrical or dissymmetrical. (Is dissymmetrical even a word? Too late….I’ve written the blog. I can’t change it now. Can’t and won’t. I’m known for making up my own words anyway…’mahoosive’ was a word I made up once to describe my sister when she was 9 months pregnant).
I’ve digressed…..AGAIN!! I’m always doing that aren’t I?


Anyway……..#contentbeingmewhateverilooklike#belikeabbie#baldandproud#myhairwillgrowback#aswillmyeyebrows 😁

Categories
Uncategorized

My ‘Big C’ Journey So Far…

WARNING! This blog update contains the controversial and downright incorrect, wrong and rude hashtag #dontbelikeabbie…..but it is VERY IMPORTANT so please, I urge you, if you do nothing else today, read on, on what to do in the scenario #dontbelikeabbie

So, previously I’ve posted about my winning attitude towards beating this cancer. With a whole lot of honesty, a fair bit of swearing thrown in for good measure, a little bit of humour also chucked in the pot (and I hope it’s appreciated, although my 20-year-old niece, who is actually more like my twinnie, and I both think we are the only ones who laugh at each other’s humour, so it could well be falling flat with you lovely readers….c’est la vie).

Anyway, the winning attitude absolutely still stands and will always be at the forefront of my mind. For this blog post, I thought I’d do a practical account so that those of you who are interested, can be kept up to date with what’s going on with my tits! 😉

My diagnosis is that I have grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer, Oestrogen+. 

The prognosis – I was told by a lovely friend who knows about oncology that, if breast cancer comes a-knocking, the one I’ve got is the best one to get. The most aggressive, fastest growing type of tumour meaning if the cancer cells can grow that fast they can shrink fast too with treatment….hoorah!!! First silver lining found when informed of my disease. And you know how I LOVE to look for any positives in a negative situation. This couldn’t be a better scenario. Thank you cancer, you absolute f***ing legend!

This blog post is to inspire others, no….shout loudly at others… to NOT be a martyr, not be selfless, and most definitely take action. Listen to your gut, your intuition.

So, I found a lump in December 2019 whilst ‘copping a feel’ as you do when you reach a certain age and think you should definitely be checking, checking, checking your boobs for abnormal ‘whatever’. Granted, it’s a bit more of a challenge to check anything else in the body for lumps, but your boobs stick out, some further than others, they’re still on the outside of your body, so it’s easy to do….NO EXCUSES! Now, I know the mammary glands are a bit lumpy and bumpy anyway, so you may not know what you’re feeling for but DO IT ANYWAY. If anything feels different, and you probably won’t know what ‘different’ feels like so have a good old route around, and do it often, so you GET to know what ‘different’ feels like. Do it with the tips of your fingers. Many people I’ve spoken to say they felt a lump so it could be very obvious. Keep doing it….please.  And anyway, it may please some onlookers if that’s your husband or partner. Perhaps not whilst out and about or when the in-laws or Great Aunt Mildred is visiting. Mind you, that scenario could possibly go unnoticed if Mildred is not all that clued-up! Definitely don’t be doing it if Mildred has got all her faculties and is in sound mind! 

Men…you need to check too, and you should be checking your more obvious ‘sticky outy’ parts, if you know what I mean? I’ve no doubt you do. 

So, the lump I found in my right boob was in December 2019. In the January, I had all the tests, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsies and was sent away, told not to worry as it was benign/excess fibrous tissue, maybe a culmination of fibrous tissue, cysts etc but essentially nothing to worry about. 

As you know, Covid-19 came in March of that year and Lockdown happened and by July the lump was getting bigger, so I thought something wasn’t right. But because I was told that it was nothing to worry about I didn’t go back to the Dr’s because of coronavirus….silly me! First #dontbelikeabbie

I had no idea cancers can appear and become malignant that quickly. So it took me until October to go back. Second #dontbelikeabbie

By this time, it had got bigger still and the skin was red and angry. Off I trotted to the GP whose response was ‘I’m not surprised you’re concerned, it’s more than doubled in size and is now 10 cm big! Holy crap was my initial thought. 10 cm or 4 inches is the size of a grapefruit. F************ck!!!!!

I won’t bore you with all the hospital visit details, but the tests then showed a malignant tumour. Because of Covid-19 I was by myself when I found out the ‘happy’ news. That’s just a bit sh** isn’t it, don’t you think? 

#dontbelikeabbie in this scenario….LISTEN to yourself and don’t be selfless when it comes to your health. Don’t assume everything is ok if there is any shred of doubt in your mind. 

You may be wondering whether I was pi**** off about being told to go away and not worry as my lump, I was told, was already 3 cm big. I have since asked this question and my January 2020 test results file have been pulled up and double checked and it was, indeed, just excess fibrous tissue and benign so I’ve had to let it go in my mind.  

It’s in my lymph nodes too but luckily a CT scan showed nowhere else in the body. I found out about the cancer on 3rd December and started chemotherapy treatment straight away before Christmas as it was a 10 cm mass!!! Important to get going I reckon. 

I’m told a mastectomy will be needed after the chemo, then radiotherapy then a breast reconstruction. So, I have a pretty long road ahead, but I’m positive and upbeat. It’s all just a process as in my mind I am already healed. 🙏🏻

So, I mentioned in my previous blog post, I’m undergoing a course of six chemo treatments, three of one type of drug followed by three of a different stronger drug. 
I coped remarkably well with the first lot of chemo drugs (some expected side effects) On that drug, I’ve still been able to walk 4-5 miles, 3-4 times a week and done every single school run.  I started the stronger drugs a couple of days ago and unfortunately had a reaction. The nurses were on it quickly. They stopped the intravenous drip, pumped a Piriton and antihistamine drip into me and a senior staff member came up to the ward to check me out. I had the necessary observations and they started the drip again but at a slower rate. All the while I was being watched like a hawk!

When the adverse reaction occurred I felt like I couldn’t take a breath properly, I had a tight chest, my head felt hot and like it would explode, then I got excruciating back pain in my lower back. All normal reactions apparently if one does react. They had oxygen nearby but I didn’t need it. I was being well looked after. I have to admit it was a bit scary! 😳 and my life flashed before me, although I remained calm and knew the nurses would have my back. I got home, got my ‘slobs/loungewear’ on and just chilled.

I still managed a smile though. Those who know me….always smiling 😊


So, this image below is par for the course every three weeks!!! 🙏🏻 more drugs/needles = less cancer. 💪🏻 

And this is my companion every 3 weeks, as cumbersome as it is! I have to wheel her to the toilet whenever I go! I’ve called her Dorothy Drip Stand. 🤣 All of this ain’t so bad when you have the right attitude and add a bit of humour into the sh*t situation.


So, that’s the latest in my world. And I am practising my victory dance for the ‘f**k you cancer, YOU LOST’ celebration. 🥳🥳🥳 

#belikeabbie



Categories
Uncategorized

Chemo drug FEC-T – a ‘fecking’ breeze…..

So far ….

For those of you who know anything about chemotherapy drugs, I am undergoing a course of treatment which consists of six rounds of what’s known as FEC-T. Three rounds of the FEC part followed by three rounds of the T part.
I’ve already undergone the three rounds of the combination of FEC drugs. F – Fluorouracil, E – Epirubicin (the one that’s red in colour, makes your urine red (!!!) and is the drug which causes the hair loss. Crikey….if I hadn’t have been warned about the red coloured wee that would’ve scared the hell out of me thinking I was pee’ing blood as a friend of mine did when it happened to her!) and C – Cyclophosphamide. I began this course of the ‘FEC’ drugs on Friday 18th December (I’m not sure I’ll ever forget that date and Merry bloody Christmas to me!) And I am due to start three rounds of the ‘T’ drug, which is called Docetaxel, on Friday 19th February.


I have the chemo treatment once every three weeks, six times over. The first week after chemo my immune system is ‘on the floor’, the second week, slightly better, I’m told, and by the third week, I was informed that my immune system should be pretty much back up to its normal state. To then have to repeat the process all over again for another round of the chemo. This should take me to the beginning of April when I can ring the ‘end of chemo’ bell! 
Some people, on the breast cancer support forums I’m part of, have said about the FEC part of the treatment ‘thank goodness it’s over, it’s been awful!’. That’s not been my experience. Granted I’ve yet to step over the threshold into the ‘Docetaxel party zone’ and having read up on the side effects of this drug, I can’t say I’m looking forward to walking through the doors to that party but hey….in my mind and as I say to myself often ….”I DEFY THE ODDS and FEEL AMAZING!!”


Anyway, back to the point. In the main, on the FEC drugs, I’ve felt fantastic. Ok, so I haven’t felt too bright on the day of the chemo itself but, let’s face it, that’s to be expected. I tend to have my chemo at 9am in the morning and have been tired and nauseous that evening and the next day I’ve felt pretty lethargic. Except after chemo#2 actually when I was violently sick 7 times that evening and through the night, into the morning. And I’ve had other usual side effects – mouth sores, achy limbs, tingling in my hands and feet (called peripheral nerve damage). I’ve sometimes had trouble thinking clearly and concentrating. Apparently this is an actual ‘thing’ and often called “chemo brain.” I’ve also experienced what’s known as phlebitis. This is where the intravenous needle can cause the vein to become inflamed, the area around the insertion site or along the vein can become red, warm, tender or painful and swollen. Lifting things can sometimes be a struggle and on chemo#3 I asked the nurse if she’d switch arms into where the needle was usually inserted to give my left hand and arm a break.


I’ve coped with all of these side effects pretty well, I’d say, and in between times I can honestly say I’ve felt positively spritely. Probably annoyingly so! I’ve mostly been chirpy, full of vitality, full of energy, adopted a determined attitude. I’ve done the school run every day, twice a day, I’ve been walking 4-5 miles, 4-5 times a week. In addition, I feel my skin is glowing, my weight has remained the same even though I’ve been given steroids, my nails feel so strong. My hair is…..oh hold on….gone!! So I can’t say that the quality of my hair is silky, smooth, shiny, luscious!!! Minor problem in the grand scheme of things….. Like I said before, less hair = less cancer! Hoorah! 


So, lovely readers, do you want to know why, in my opinion, I’ve never felt better when essentially there is poison floating around my body and through my veins? Here’s why…….the simple fact is, my ATTITUDE! My attitude is in the right place. My focus is on abundance not lack, love not hate, wellness rather than illness. In my mind I am already healed.


BELIEF ITSELF SHIFTS BIOLOGY!


Talking about BELIEF. I do love an acronym so, in my mind, I see belief as:


B – Bring

E – Eternal

L – Love

I – Inner-peace

E – Eases

F – Fear


The reality you experience in life is how you see a situation, how you cope with that situation, how you see your life going, what you see in others, what you see in yourself in the mirror. So, how I see myself is who I am. If I see ‘a Cancer patient who is struggling’ that’s exactly what will reflect back at me. Instead, I see someone who is coping really rather well and that’s precisely what is happening, exactly what I am experiencing. Think of it like an echo….what you shout out in a tunnel is what you hear coming back at you. Or a boomerang, when you throw a boomerang, it eventually returns to you. LIFE is like an echo. Your experience in life is that boomerang. What you send out comes back. 


I have never wanted to ‘look’ like a cancer patient so all the above was, quite frankly, all part of my plan. Apart from the bald head which is probably a give away for having cancer but hey, Sinead O’Connor chose that look. If it’s good enough for Sinead it’s good enough for me. 


#belikeabbie
 

Categories
Uncategorized

Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

To Shave or Not to Shave…? That is the question

Have you ever in your life had to ask yourself that question? Your answer may be….YES, if your leg hair is at an unacceptable length, and you really feel it’s time to get rid of the evidence that it’s starting to make you look like Teen Wolf! Only ever happens during the winter months though, right? 

Or if your armpit hair is protruding just that millimetre too much? 

Or your hair ‘down there’ happens to be visible on the other side of your knicker line! (I have to say I’ve never let that happen myself, never had that ‘situation’!) 

But I’ve never had to ask the shaving question about the hairs on my head? Have you?

As I type this, I sit here having had two chemotherapy treatments for grade 3 breast cancer.

“So, your results show that there is a sign of cancer in your right breast” I was told on the 3rd December 2020. “It’s quite an aggressive type, so we’d like you to start chemotherapy very soon….before Christmas”. (Bang goes my family Christmas bubble we were allowed for one day!) How in the hell do you compute that information when actually you were told a few months prior that the mass you felt in your boob was just excess fibrous tissue??!! I was in total shock hearing the news! I did not expect to hear those words muttered. And I was on my own due to Covid rulings of attending hospital by oneself. And also because I was in denial, I guess, and thought it would be just fine. How wrong was I?

The oncology specialist spoke the words very clearly and concisely and in a matter of fact manner (I’m not blaming her one bit); I still thought I was hearing things. I was silent for a few minutes trying to take it all in then the reality hit me…..and the tears came in floods. And even more so when I was handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ brochure to take away. 

So, I started treatment on 18th December. It’s a big lump I’m told….10cm…sh*t….that IS big!! 

Not only that but, as I mentioned in my first blog, I’m told I may probably need a mastectomy after the chemo as it’s spread to the lymph nodes, then radiotherapy and then reconstruction of my one breast. The ‘good’ boob crying out….’why not get me done too, so we can look symmetrical?!’ Not a question I’m wanting or willing to answer yet, thank you very much. 

It was a whirlwind of a few weeks just prior to what is usually my most favourite time of year, being a 44-year-old kid at heart! Suddenly, I couldn’t think about anything else but this lump in my boob and asking myself ‘How the hell did you come about? Who gave you permission to reside in MY body? How dare you take away my excitement for Christmas with my 5-year-old special little boy, who, for the first year is really starting to ‘get’ Christmas and understand what it’s all about?’

But do you know what, everyone, I’m going to kick cancer’s ass, I can promise you all that!!!!

I’ve been using the scalp cooling cap they suggest trying, to give my hair a 50% chance of staying put, but it was really thinning, coming out in droves in my hand every time I ran my hands through it.

“I’m so sorry, hair, I will never be frustrated with you again. When you grow back, I will never shout at you when you don’t style the right way, I’ll never complain that you’re too curly to handle and too wayward to tame. I’m sorry. Please come back!”

Yes, it’s all a bit cr*p, this situation I find myself in, but I’m bloody determined to beat this and am keeping a very positive mindset and a brave, fighting spirit.

So, back to the point…..the decision to ‘brave the shave’ had been made, and I could literally cry at the thought. Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror with no hair? [Cue…polishing up my makeup application.] But my head was starting to itch badly, and I had pins and needles going on in that area. I felt it was time. 

My beautiful, awesome and brave friend, Kelly, who I’ve known since we were 12 years old, offered to shave her head also, and ‘hold my hand’ throughout the whole process. ‘I can’t let you do that’ I told her. She was insistent. I kept saying to Kelly that she didn’t have to shave her perfectly good, well-behaving head of hair but somehow I felt I was taking away her will and her want to help me through this painful time. 

My special, truly wonderful and supportive lifelong friend, I will always remember what you’re doing for me….ALWAYS.

COVID-19 was stopping us from doing this in person but there we ‘stood together’ using the wonder of technology, metaphorically holding hands, to carry out the deed. 

And then it was done! Oh, my word, how liberating. Emotional, scary and liberating all rolled into one big, fat emotion. And now I wish I’d done it sooner. 

And I can look at myself in the mirror. It took me a few days to be comfortable with it, but I can do it now. Because, ultimately, I may have no hair on my head, but my heart hasn’t changed and my soul is the same. Having no hair doesn’t define me as a person, as a woman….I’m still me, a good, kind person, with or without hair. And that will never change!