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Membership Fee to the ‘Cancer Club’…not worth the money! Or is it?


 
I believe I’m right in saying that you never know whether a subscription to a magazine or membership fee to a club is going to be worth the dosh you shell out until you’ve experienced what the magazine or club is like and has to offer, whether the information provided is helpful, whether the facts given will enhance your knowledge about the subject in question, whether it’s an enjoyable experience.
 
Well….let me tell you, the membership fee to the ‘Cancer Club’, when you first subscribe, is so not worth it! Don’t sign up if you don’t have to. I wouldn’t bother. A waste of your hard-earned money. What a load of tosh!



That was my first thought; there is a BUT……..
What I can tell you IS well worth it, is the experience you will gain from joining the ‘Cancer Club’. That is worth its weight in gold. So you have the hypothetical ‘empty purse’ issue which may leave a bitter taste in your mouth but revel in the fact that your mindset, therefore your life, may very well change….for the better!

But first, on becoming a valued member, do be prepared that initially you may cry….A LOT. And it’ll be that god awful, ugly crying that even the most beautiful of people can be made to look really unattractive doing, with snot pouring out of your nose and down your face. This may last a good while along with downright denial of the fact that you’ve joined The C Club. You’re an ‘honorary’ member, like so many people before you but, yes, it’s a bit sh*t to be standing at the doorway waiting to be welcomed in with sodding open arms! I can think of slightly more enjoyable, happier clubs of which I’d rather be an ‘honorary’ member.

When all the crying is done, after the 20 empty packs of tissues you’ve thrown in the bin have stopped overflowing and been discarded, the shouting and screaming ‘why me, Cancer you b*stard?!’, oh….and the disgusting expletives you find leaving your mouth. When all that is done and, in my case, wondering whether you’ll live to see your five-year-old son’s next birthday, it’ll be time to phone your loved ones with the news of your new club membership. And repeat the process above time and time again whilst you deliver the news to each and every one of them. 

And then my next suggestion is to set up a What’s App support group, like mine, ‘Abbie’s Boob Love Army’, to inform your nearest and dearest all at one time, for ease, of the whole process, what’s going on with your many scheduled hospital appointments and scans, and that each time you need a ‘pick me up’ you’d like them to send you memes that will have you in fits of uncontrollable laughter or the amusing inappropriate willy jokes!! Anything that will make you laugh rather than do the ugly sob. 

 Search for those silver linings I keep talking about….and why the hell not use the ‘cancer card’ you’ve been dealt? Accept the meals offered from well-wishers, see if you can wangle a better table in that restaurant. Accept gracefully those ‘you’ve got cancer and I feel sorry for you’ cards and gifts. (On a serious note, at this point, let me say, never in my life have I witnessed such love, care and generosity from my family, friends, loved ones and well-wishers. It’s heart-warming and I will always remember the kindness for decades to come). 

Next on the list, well….next on MY list was to spend a sh*t load of money on clothes from online companies. (Hell, you’re not going out much, because you can’t due to the low immunity situation). And don’t do what I did and order from those overseas clothes companies! I learnt my stupid lesson because the fees are so ridiculously high to bother returning anything you no longer want, or need, or that may be slightly too tight round your thighs; in my case, the wobble I’ve never quite managed to lose since my FOUR knee operations in my 20s. That’ll teach me for being a dancer in my early years.

But, oh how I love to shop online!! 

All the while, casting your mind back to your teenage years……do you think I sat in Business Studies class at school and when asked by the teacher…‘so, Abigail….. (my full name that only my sister ever uses now, that’s if she’s not using my nickname of Fanny)…..what would you like to become when you’re older, where do see yourself in 30 years time?’, proudly say with guts, grit and outright knowingness, ‘I’ve got it all worked out sir, I am going to be a proud member of the ‘Cancer Club’. I’ll work hard to get there and love every minute of the journey getting there and feel total euphoria at reaching my intended goal. It will be an honour and a privilege I will look back on my achievement with fondness knowing I put my all into it.’

Did I hell?!! Funny, but it’s never been an aspiration of mine. I, like you, I’m sure, used to see people walking around wearing a head-wrap and think to myself ‘oh gosh, I wonder if, under that head garment, there’s a bald head due to having cancer, and they have had to ‘brave the shave’ or lost it naturally eventually?’ and instantly feel for them, send them a virtual hug of care and compassion knowing that what they’re going through must be totally crap and hard going, only to be in that very same position myself years later thinking ‘this wasn’t in my mapped out life plan!’


Only then, when you’ve sat there, pensively, asking the ‘Why me? F*** off Cancer, who invited you anyway?’ question umpteen times, can your fighting spirit kick in. And let me tell you, you’d better have that attitude of ‘nothing is gonna take me down without my permission’ because, my word, does that help. There’s no other option, people. That’s when the membership to this new ‘club’ you have found yourself in shows its worth. 

So, going back to the experience, you’ll gain from it. THAT’s the key message here. If you have to spend your ‘hard-earned cash’, hypothetically speaking, on being a member of the ‘Cancer Club’, make sure the experience you have teaches you something about yourself. Teaches you that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. It’ll make you feel like the most badass person alive, the euphoria will be life changing. 
 

So those are my wise words! Steer clear of this membership if you’ve got any goddamned sense in the first place. It ain’t worth ‘splashing the cash!’

If you do find yourself in this position, and I truly hope you don’t, but IF you do…..#belikeabbie and live in a blissful state of mind rather than blaming the cancer from landing in your lap. Perhaps even love it for showing up to teach you some valuable life lessons. It WILL transform your view of it. 

Want to learn how I did it? How I went from a ‘Blaming’ mentality to a ‘Blissful’ state, go here……www.vanessaloves.life
and book yourself on to this zoom workshop. It’ll be the answer, the best decision you’ll ever make, not just for those people wanting to adopt an overcoming attitude to cancer but to EVERYTHING unwanted in life that smacks you in the face without you ‘placing the order’ for it. Or if you just need to know how to live a more blissful, happier existence…..a more fulfilled life.
 
 Trust me on this and Trust Vanessa too…..it’s MAGIC!
 
M – Make 
A – A 
G – Great 
I – Inspired 
C – Choice

And THAT is how I did it, that’s how I roll, this is what has helped me adopt this ‘don’t mess with me Cancer! You will NOT beat me I can assure you’ attitude.



#belikeabbie

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My ‘Big C’ Journey So Far…

WARNING! This blog update contains the controversial and downright incorrect, wrong and rude hashtag #dontbelikeabbie…..but it is VERY IMPORTANT so please, I urge you, if you do nothing else today, read on, on what to do in the scenario #dontbelikeabbie

So, previously I’ve posted about my winning attitude towards beating this cancer. With a whole lot of honesty, a fair bit of swearing thrown in for good measure, a little bit of humour also chucked in the pot (and I hope it’s appreciated, although my 20-year-old niece, who is actually more like my twinnie, and I both think we are the only ones who laugh at each other’s humour, so it could well be falling flat with you lovely readers….c’est la vie).

Anyway, the winning attitude absolutely still stands and will always be at the forefront of my mind. For this blog post, I thought I’d do a practical account so that those of you who are interested, can be kept up to date with what’s going on with my tits! 😉

My diagnosis is that I have grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer, Oestrogen+. 

The prognosis – I was told by a lovely friend who knows about oncology that, if breast cancer comes a-knocking, the one I’ve got is the best one to get. The most aggressive, fastest growing type of tumour meaning if the cancer cells can grow that fast they can shrink fast too with treatment….hoorah!!! First silver lining found when informed of my disease. And you know how I LOVE to look for any positives in a negative situation. This couldn’t be a better scenario. Thank you cancer, you absolute f***ing legend!

This blog post is to inspire others, no….shout loudly at others… to NOT be a martyr, not be selfless, and most definitely take action. Listen to your gut, your intuition.

So, I found a lump in December 2019 whilst ‘copping a feel’ as you do when you reach a certain age and think you should definitely be checking, checking, checking your boobs for abnormal ‘whatever’. Granted, it’s a bit more of a challenge to check anything else in the body for lumps, but your boobs stick out, some further than others, they’re still on the outside of your body, so it’s easy to do….NO EXCUSES! Now, I know the mammary glands are a bit lumpy and bumpy anyway, so you may not know what you’re feeling for but DO IT ANYWAY. If anything feels different, and you probably won’t know what ‘different’ feels like so have a good old route around, and do it often, so you GET to know what ‘different’ feels like. Do it with the tips of your fingers. Many people I’ve spoken to say they felt a lump so it could be very obvious. Keep doing it….please.  And anyway, it may please some onlookers if that’s your husband or partner. Perhaps not whilst out and about or when the in-laws or Great Aunt Mildred is visiting. Mind you, that scenario could possibly go unnoticed if Mildred is not all that clued-up! Definitely don’t be doing it if Mildred has got all her faculties and is in sound mind! 

Men…you need to check too, and you should be checking your more obvious ‘sticky outy’ parts, if you know what I mean? I’ve no doubt you do. 

So, the lump I found in my right boob was in December 2019. In the January, I had all the tests, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsies and was sent away, told not to worry as it was benign/excess fibrous tissue, maybe a culmination of fibrous tissue, cysts etc but essentially nothing to worry about. 

As you know, Covid-19 came in March of that year and Lockdown happened and by July the lump was getting bigger, so I thought something wasn’t right. But because I was told that it was nothing to worry about I didn’t go back to the Dr’s because of coronavirus….silly me! First #dontbelikeabbie

I had no idea cancers can appear and become malignant that quickly. So it took me until October to go back. Second #dontbelikeabbie

By this time, it had got bigger still and the skin was red and angry. Off I trotted to the GP whose response was ‘I’m not surprised you’re concerned, it’s more than doubled in size and is now 10 cm big! Holy crap was my initial thought. 10 cm or 4 inches is the size of a grapefruit. F************ck!!!!!

I won’t bore you with all the hospital visit details, but the tests then showed a malignant tumour. Because of Covid-19 I was by myself when I found out the ‘happy’ news. That’s just a bit sh** isn’t it, don’t you think? 

#dontbelikeabbie in this scenario….LISTEN to yourself and don’t be selfless when it comes to your health. Don’t assume everything is ok if there is any shred of doubt in your mind. 

You may be wondering whether I was pi**** off about being told to go away and not worry as my lump, I was told, was already 3 cm big. I have since asked this question and my January 2020 test results file have been pulled up and double checked and it was, indeed, just excess fibrous tissue and benign so I’ve had to let it go in my mind.  

It’s in my lymph nodes too but luckily a CT scan showed nowhere else in the body. I found out about the cancer on 3rd December and started chemotherapy treatment straight away before Christmas as it was a 10 cm mass!!! Important to get going I reckon. 

I’m told a mastectomy will be needed after the chemo, then radiotherapy then a breast reconstruction. So, I have a pretty long road ahead, but I’m positive and upbeat. It’s all just a process as in my mind I am already healed. 🙏🏻

So, I mentioned in my previous blog post, I’m undergoing a course of six chemo treatments, three of one type of drug followed by three of a different stronger drug. 
I coped remarkably well with the first lot of chemo drugs (some expected side effects) On that drug, I’ve still been able to walk 4-5 miles, 3-4 times a week and done every single school run.  I started the stronger drugs a couple of days ago and unfortunately had a reaction. The nurses were on it quickly. They stopped the intravenous drip, pumped a Piriton and antihistamine drip into me and a senior staff member came up to the ward to check me out. I had the necessary observations and they started the drip again but at a slower rate. All the while I was being watched like a hawk!

When the adverse reaction occurred I felt like I couldn’t take a breath properly, I had a tight chest, my head felt hot and like it would explode, then I got excruciating back pain in my lower back. All normal reactions apparently if one does react. They had oxygen nearby but I didn’t need it. I was being well looked after. I have to admit it was a bit scary! 😳 and my life flashed before me, although I remained calm and knew the nurses would have my back. I got home, got my ‘slobs/loungewear’ on and just chilled.

I still managed a smile though. Those who know me….always smiling 😊


So, this image below is par for the course every three weeks!!! 🙏🏻 more drugs/needles = less cancer. 💪🏻 

And this is my companion every 3 weeks, as cumbersome as it is! I have to wheel her to the toilet whenever I go! I’ve called her Dorothy Drip Stand. 🤣 All of this ain’t so bad when you have the right attitude and add a bit of humour into the sh*t situation.


So, that’s the latest in my world. And I am practising my victory dance for the ‘f**k you cancer, YOU LOST’ celebration. 🥳🥳🥳 

#belikeabbie



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Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie