Tag: Breast Cancer

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Breast Cancer Recovery

My ‘Perfect Imperfections’ tell the story of my survival…This is Me!

 

This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!

“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.

“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”

These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant. 

“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.

I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.

I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me.

The Greatest Showman

So dear readers – THIS IS ME!

Drawing by Laura Clifford

This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning. 

The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind). 

And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in. 

A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?” 

It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance. 

The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is. 

My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.

A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.

#belikeabbie

Categories
Breast Cancer Recovery

Thank you Cancer, You Picked the Right Girl!

An odd, possibly slightly controversial, sentence to see written before you, right? I bet you blinked twice and repeated it to yourself again thinking you’d read it wrong the first time. Some may think I’ve gone stark raving mad, think I’m deluded. In fact, I imagine many of you would think that. And I wouldn’t blame you. ‘She’s delusional!’ I hear you say. ‘She’s bloody bonkers’ I see your lips mutter. No judgment please folks….hear me out if you will.

Have you ever wondered why you get so much shit landing in your lap? Why bad stuff happens to you? Why you feel like you’ve done wrong in a past life and life says: ‘here, have this crap to deal with and while you’re at it, dearest current life, whilst you’re here, add a shed load of shit shavings on top of that won’t you!’

Well, my life has been and continues to be pretty good if the truth be known. I have had my fair share of rubbish times though, domestic violence/physical and mental abuse inflicted on me, that leading to depression, loss of three friends in car accidents, grief of loved ones, baby loss, a challenging (yet now adorable) child in his early years before an Autism diagnosis was handed to him, and then, to top it off…..’effing’ breast cancer. 

But…..have you ever been so peaceful about life’s process? The ‘road map’ of life that’s been handed to you. Do we understand why certain crappy happenings have been sent our way, handed to us to cope with? ‘Aaaaaaahhhhhhh I know why’ I say to myself, I understand why I had to endure what I’ve had to, which is far less than most have had to deal with. I know precisely why…..it’s all to make me stronger, to give me the fight and confidence I was lacking, to let me know I can overcome anything if I put my mind to it. I get it now. 

The latest challenge might have taken my right boob away from me forever, but I am thankful this challenge gave me a clearer general perspective. And it may have taken the majority of my fingernails but they’ve grown back now. And the life challenge I mention may have taken my hair for a short while too but hey, it’s growing back and it’ll look how I want it to look soon enough. And I wonder as it grows whether it’ll be better quality than before it decided to go AWOL because it was in shocking condition before. Dry and brittle from being subjected to too much heat from straightening irons. 

‘So, let’s start a fresh, shall we?’ my life plan proclaimed. ‘Let’s give this particular human being a reason to start over again. Begin life again with a clean slate.’

So, my advice is this if it’s worth anything……always give love to what tries to take you down, tries to ruin you and trust that all that comes to you is meant to for your own self development. 

If you don’t LOVE the life you lead you’ll always find yourself trying to re-boot the computer images in your mind…….

*Technical Support:*

Yes, how can I help you?

*Customer:*

Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Could you guide me through the process please?

*Tech Support:*

Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

*Customer:*

Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

*Tech Support:*

The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

*Customer:*

Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it ok to install Love while they are running?

*Tech Support:*

What programs are running?

*Customer:*

Let’s see….I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudges, and Resentment running right now.

*Tech Support:*

No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudges and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

*Customer:*

I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

*Tech Support:*

With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudges and Resentment have been completely erased.

*Customer:*

Ok, done! Love has started installing itself. Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

*Tech Support:*

Don’t worry. In non technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive Self, Realise Your Worth, and Acknowledge your limitations. Then the update is complete and everything will run smoothly from now on. 

……And THAT, dear readers, is how I got over Breast Cancer. I forgave it for coming to me. For me, it’s now not ‘F*ck You Cancer, you picked the wrong girl!’ It’s ‘Thank you Cancer, you picked the right girl!’ 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

My Cancer diagnosis-iversary!


It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻
This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life. 

If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper….. 


Dear Abbie,

There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.


It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.


This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts. 


Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.


You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that. 


You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.


You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale. 


Good luck!  And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud! 

Love Abbie

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction

Build-A-Bear vs. Build-A-Boob

Which shop would you rather visit? Hear me out here folks….then I think I can hazard a guess as to what your answer would be. 

So, the Build-A-Bear shop. At first I thought I was mistaken as to whether there was such an establishment. I use our old friend, Google, to find out if I was imagining this ‘stuffing something and making a cute, cuddly thing’ experience and it appears I am not mistaken. There is actually a shop called ‘Build-A-Bear’. 

Have you taken a visit with your child or grandchild or perhaps the random kid you happened to be looking after that day, to keep them busy and entertained and to stop the constant whining of….’Can I watch Bear in the Big Blue House’ or ‘Why isn’t Playhouse Disney on?’ or ‘I don’t want to watch Loose Women, what about my programmes?’ or the phrase ‘I WANT ANDY’S DINO TOY BOX!’ on repeat at a high level of decibels. 

I find on Google that their slogan is this:

“Only at Build-A-Bear® can you experience the fun of making your own custom soft toys, plushies and teddy bears”. 

Ok, so firstly, what the hell are plushies? Can I call my chest area ‘plushies’? 

Well….I’m not interested in Build-A-Bear here, oh no no no, dear readers, I’m talking about a different kind of shop altogether….and it’s called Build-A-Boob. Build-A-Boob (in my own warped imagination so humour me here folks!) is the shop you go to when your ‘Norks’, your ‘Bodacious set of Tartars’, those ‘Juggling Balls’ need updating. Or in my case, just the one boob, the rogue tit that misbehaved and went and let Cancer in, just the one side that needed to be revamped, totally built from scratch. At least at Build-A-Bear you get the fur casing as a starting point, the warm and cuddly outer shell. At Build-A-Boob the shopping experience is a whole different ball game. Yes, it’s similar in that you get to stuff the outer casing (albeit not quite so furry unless you suffer from an abnormally hairy chest. Thankfully I don’t) but, you don’t end up with something warm, cuddly and full of heart and soul, it’s a bit cold and heartless, albeit an amazing creation, it has to be said. 

So, lovely peeps, come on into my, frankly quite weird, imagination…..let’s explore the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob, shall we?

Firstly though, I wonder what my Build-A-Boob slogan would be? How’s this for starters? 

Hmmmm….let’s make it a little bit more realistic shall we…..?

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pain of having your mammory removed, then making your own custom Tit, Plushy or Nork with an alien imposter”.

(Oh yes, I think I’m going to have lots of fun with this! 😉 Those who know me well know that lightheartedness and lots of laughter was the only way to be, in my opinion, when you’ve just gone through the truly shitty journey that is cancer).

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob will you learn to sleep upright for days on end, sleeping like a pencil in one position, frightened to move an inch for fear of rolling on said newly formed and tender tit!”

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the frustration of leaving your drains behind, which are actually attached to your body under your armpit, when you get up in middle of the night for a wee because you’ve momentarily forgotten they were there!” (That was certainly an ‘Ouch’ moment, I can tell you).

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pulling muscle sensation when you lift the kettle forgetting that your newly built Tit, Plushy or Nork is trying to tell you to ‘Stop doing too bloody much woman!’”

(I really AM having fun with these made up slogans….!) 

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the depressing realisation of seeing one boob stand to attention, and the other one head south a bit (gravity has taken hold!) whilst that ‘drooper’ states in a rather frustrated tone of voice, ‘I’m darned if I’m gonna stay like this, like a saggy ‘has-been’ for the rest of my existence!’”

I could go on but perhaps I ought to stop there! 

So, getting back to the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob.

At the stuffing a Teddy Bear variant, once you are done and your bear is stuffed, you can make the bear talk. You can choose a pre-recorded message that says something like, ‘I love you’ when you press it in the middle, on its tummy. You can choose a heart for it, kiss it and make a wish, before it then gets sewn up.

At my boob equivalent shop, when you press the middle of the boob, which incidentally has been cut open and ‘un-stuffed’ first, all the material taken away and replaced with silicone, it’s not the boob that says anything it’s me saying ‘ouch, that’s so bloody painful!’ So the boob itself doesn’t say a thing, quite obviously, unlike the programmed teddy bear. But IF the titty could talk I wonder what it would say? Possibly this……’I’m the best you got now girl!’ or ‘Appreciate me more would you as I’m only here because Cancer isn’t’. Hmmmmm….I take your point oh precious boob that’s just been created, is here to stay and is an indication that I am, in fact, alive. Instead, I shall begin thanking you for showing up.

Ok, so, now let’s look at the similarities between the two establishments, shall we?

The stuffing itself that is inserted in the Bear AND the Boob! Yes, they both have a filling but the type of filling in each is entirely different altogether. No need to elaborate any further on that one. 

You get a certificate with the Build-A-Bear showing its date of birth and similarly at my Build-A-Boob shop, you get a guarantee for yer tit/s from the date of creation….pretty much the same thing don’t you think? You get to name your bear and if you so desire, you can name your chest creation too. Although mine doesn’t have a name. Anyone fancy making suggestions?

Another similarity…..the fur or hair. The bear has fur. Ok, so the boob doesn’t have hair as such, only those little natural body hairs. Here I go….I feel I’m about to go off on one of my infamous tangents!

On the subject of the inevitable hair loss that comes with the kind of chemotherapy I was having. I lost all of my hair. And I mean ALL of it, everywhere. Even my nose would run because the hairs up my nose had gone AWOL! Who’d have thought.

And the little fluffy hairs we have on our face, they went too. I was told that one of the side effects of chemotherapy might mean my skin sheds or can flake off. Oh my gosh…I was horrified at the thought. Panicking at the thought of looking like a character from a horror movie. Only to notice that my skin had actually never looked better. It looked fresher, felt more supple, plumper (in a good way)….but why? They told me it could flake off. Ahhhhh I know why……I’d lost those little facial hairs. Of course it looked better. Think of a man’s chin when it is shaven versus not clean shaven. It looks clearer, appears cleaner. So of course my face could, and did, look fresher. 

So, I’d go so far as to say I preferred the way I looked when undergoing chemotreatment….figure that. Then when those little facial hairs came back, when the hair follicles kicked into action again, I noticed I needed more moisturiser on my face, it needed more hydration, it seemed more difficult to apply the foundation onto my face because those hairs got in the way. 

Don’t get me wrong I do not want to have to endure chemo again to have better looking skin, oh no thank you very much! Just merely an observation. It was an interesting discovery. 

So to conclude….I declare my imaginary Build-A-Boob shop now open for business and I am my own first client, the shop has had its first sale, so to speak. 

Just think, nobody will be able to call me ‘saggy tits’ when I get to a certain age where gravity will take over to a greater degree. Well…they may call me ‘saggy tit!’ But all my friends will be called ‘saggy tits’….plural….so I WIN! 

Hmmmmmm….something tells me my shop isn’t going to be very busy, I may have to close down sooner than I anticipated. In all honesty, let’s bloody hope so, eh! After all, who really wants to have to come through the doors to my imaginary shop? Not if they can help it. 

So, I guess the moral of this story, don’t purchase from my Build-A-Boob shop if you don’t have to. If you do come to me, I’ll assume you’re here because Cancer decided to invade your life too. And for that, I am sorry and I am here for you. Remember, we are in this together, us warriors. 

P.S. I did take my little boy to a Build-A-Bear workshop not too long ago .. he built a very cool bear and named him R2-D2. He dressed him in dungarees, roller skates and added some glitter for extra sparkle. Definitely a fun outing!

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

Abbie’s Life Rules for Living….I mean REALLY living!

I didn’t die…..YES!

[She says as she punches the air] 

Below are my top tips for living a happy life no matter what you’ve got going on? Why wait? Live it now. #belikeabbie

This may take five or so minutes out of your life to read. Read on if you want to….don’t if you don’t. 

It’s a very surreal feeling to be told you have a life-threatening disease. It doesn’t sink in to start with. It’s not reality, it seems, until you have no choice but to face it. 

Yes it’s true, having cancer has changed me. And I’m not apologetic about it. Correction….it hasn’t changed ME, it’s altered my perception of life. I’m still me. What it has done has woken me up, helped me to see the beauty in life that sometimes is lost in the constant worry. When dealing with a life threatening disease an element of control of how you live your life is taken out of your hands but not how you choose to live it.

I didn’t fear death. I didn’t want it to happen, of course, but I didn’t fear it. When you are faced with the possibility of a life cut short, you see that precious life through different eyes, more appreciative eyes. You stop fretting about the insignificant, meaningless stresses in life and do what you can to make your time on this earth wonderful, harmonious and worthy, minus the shit bits. 

If a similar situation was presented to you, God forbid, wouldn’t you want to enjoy your time here on this earth to the absolute max?

My question to you is this….WHY WAIT? I pray the same doesn’t happen to you. But nevertheless, are you living your best life right now? 

My advice to anyone who wants to live their life to the full as it is NOW, I mean right now, with less worries, it’s simple, do the following:

1). Practice gratitude. Find things to be grateful for in each day. I have a gratitude buddy, two in fact, and we message each other every day with at least four things we are grateful for that happened throughout the previous day. We have been doing this for over 6 years….our gratitude list gets sent to each other every single day, without fail! This has still happened through baby loss, an aeroplane crash, spats with loved ones. Could you find yourself a ‘gratitude buddy’?

2). Appreciate nature. Get outside, fill your lungs with air, come rain or shine. So what if your hair gets wet in the rain. There is always a raincoat with a hood, a hat or an umbrella. As long as you’re prepared, it’s ok. And if you’re not prepared, go with it. What does it really matter? Notice the trees, see the colours of the different flowers. And breathe in deeply. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.

3). Don’t stress over the small stuff. So you’ve spilled the cocktail sticks on the floor. Or the full tub of natural yoghurt slips from your hands and splatters everywhere! Or the bag of frozen peas splits and they all fall to the floor rolling about, some ending up under the fridge. You stub your toe or bang your head. It’s not the end of the world. Pick them up, mop it up or rub it better and move on with your day. 

4). Moan less! See the world through forgiving, happy, loving eyes. See other people the same way. The world will give back forgiveness, happiness and love to you in return as will the people in it. So, I repeat….moan less. Plus, it’s far nicer to spend time with people who don’t constantly whinge! 

5). Help others more. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Make a difference. Give of yourself to others. Give your time, your love, your expertise, your shoulder, your care. Be kind and give, give, give. 

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have witnessed so much love and care from people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words, cards and gifts. And as for the support I have been given from my loved ones, family, friends and strangers, I will always remember this and will be forever grateful to all of these beautiful people.

6). Why stress over striving for perfection…it’s impossible. If a hair is out of place….sod it. If your tired eyes look puffy, your flabby thighs wobble through your trousers or your stretch-marked tummy stares back at you in the long mirror each morning, accept it and enjoy your day anyway. I guarantee you nobody else sees what you sometimes see in yourself. 

7). Listen to music you love. Lose yourself in the lyrics, the melody. Music is therapy. 

8). Say ‘No’ if you want and don’t feel guilty when you do say no. It’s ok to say you don’t want to do something. 

9). Have the treat. Eat the chocolate brownie, order the pizza, scoff the biscuits, indulge in the extra cupcake. And enjoy every crumb. No guilt. 

10). Love your body, no matter what flaws you think you see in the mirror. Those ‘so called’ flaws are part of you, they make up your character and the right people in your life will love them. If they don’t love them then they’re not the ‘right’ people. So, accept the cellulite on your legs, be ok with the stretch marks you have or, in my case, the one fake boob. Nobody’s perfect…..nobody. Despite what we see in the media sometimes.

11). Be mindful of the fact that your mental and emotional health is so important for emotional stability. Practice mindfulness every day including positive affirmations to yourself. Mental health = how you think. Emotional health = how you feel. Feed your mind with positive energy to achieve more of a balanced life. Think happier thoughts to feel happier. 

12). Worry less about what other people think of you. If you’re essentially good and kind and can rest your head on the pillow at night knowing this fact, that’s all that matters. What people think of you otherwise is their problem, not yours. (Axe murderers reading this, I’m not sure you’d be resting your ‘good’ head but then I can’t imagine this blog is your kind of reading material anyway!!!!)

13). Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with every bit of your soul.

14). Make time for you. Have some alone time, be with your own thoughts. Do what you choose to do, once a day at least. It’s essential. Self care is a must.

15). Sometimes….just stop! Stop in the rat race of life and listen to the birds, feel the rain on your face, hear the sound of running water, stop and appreciate life and all its wonders. Because there are many. Sometimes they are just hidden. 

16). Don’t remain in a scenario that makes you miserable. A job, a dispute….be brave and walk away. Life’s too short to be unhappy in a situation. You do have the power to change it. Have the guts to do something about it. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being anything but content and happy.

17). Love yourself. And I’m not talking in a conceited ‘I love myself and everyone else loves me’ kind of way but in a healthy self respect kind of way. Be brave enough to look in the mirror and love and respect who you see looking back at you. The reflection will then love and respect you back. You are worth it.

18). Make people feel important and special. Imagine an invisible sign around everyone’s neck saying just that, ‘make me feel important’. Elevate others. 

19). Be kind….always. You never know what someone is going through in their own life. 

20). Smile! One of my favourite mottos….‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. Smile at strangers. It may be that they needed to see your smile that day. And they’ll pass it on. And so on and so on. 

Life is an echo, a boomerang…what you give out is what you will get back.

21). Accept the shit bits in your past. “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow” (credit: a lyric from a Taylor Swift song). Accept it for what it is, accept what’s happened and move forward, evolving as a person. Live life in the present without worrying about the past or the future. 

22). Realise the power you have to create the life you want. When you realise that you created some of the crap you may be currently experiencing, you understand you have the choice to let it go. You created anger…let the rage go. You created the resentment so you can let it go. You created hatred….release it. You created [fill in the blank]….all you have to do is let it go.


23). Be you. And as long as you are respecting and being kind to others, be ok with being you. It’s ok to be you, everybody else is already taken anyway. The world needs you, know your worth.

24). Don’t let anyone control your thoughts and your life. Have your own say…..always with tact and diplomacy. Be your own person.

So, anyway, there you have it….one cancer survivor’s life advice top tips. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind. 

Living my life over the last few months has been turbulent but I’ve paid attention to how I’ve lived it; the above points I guess I already knew but have been reaffirmed to me and what I have found to be true. 

The thing about life is that it is fragile and unpredictable. It is also precious and each day is a gift.

Appreciate life every day, laugh often. And smile. Be the reason someone smiles today. It really is that simple. Do what makes your heart feel happy.

Life is what you make it. Make it a good’un. You only get one shot at it. 

#belikeabbie

#choosehappy

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction Uncategorized

The First Time I Saw You – A Memoir to my New Boob!

The first time I looked at you in the mirror, I stopped….stood still and gasped….you gave me quite a shock. This might sound like a contradiction in terms but you looked good, you did look amazing, (it really is phenomenal what can be done with plastic surgery these days) and I’m pleased you’re here rather than not here, for the reason that you’ve replaced cancer, but you look poorly, scarred, battered and bruised, swollen and dimply. This was the morning after you were created so it’s bound to take you some time to get comfortable in your new position, get used to your new place of residence. It will take a while for you to settle in, drop into place, to look like you fit, like you belong. I know you have taken the place of cancer but I still keep asking: “What are you doing here? Why did you have to show up? Who invited you? I didn’t ask for you to be part of me.”

I didn’t have freedom of choice when it came to you. It really is an odd feeling, and I can see it’s going to take some time for me to fully accept you being here. You’ve just suddenly appeared with not too much prior warning. I’ve not been given an awful lot of time to prepare for your arrival. And now that you’re here, I ask myself, would I ever have been prepared enough? How can you prepare for something like this until it’s actually happening and you’re experiencing the emotions that come with it? 

Your counterpart before you looked more natural than you, looked different to you, felt different to you. I don’t mean to cause offence but she had more warmth, looked like she belonged. You feel numb, you feel cold, don’t have much heart and soul. 

So, today, I shed a tear, a river of tears. Head in hands….I just sobbed. Sometimes I see you and feel alright about your presence, other times I see you and don’t want to see what’s staring me in the face, I can’t look at you without feeling choked up. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I scream!

There’s a discrepancy in my thoughts because I can’t get used to you being here yet, but I still feel a sense of wanting you to be ok and well and look less battered and bruised. In one breath I’m glad your predecessor has gone because of the first cancer cell she let in through the door, followed by its many mates that decided to join the sodding ‘cancer party’, uninvited. Why, I ask myself, do I feel that way about the old resident when she didn’t keep away those cells that tried to kill me? Why do I feel the way I do, feel such loyalty to her when she made an attempt to shorten my lovely life, tried to steal a young child’s mother, tried to take an older mother’s child, attempted to take over and control me. Why do I want my old boob back when she tried to control my life, my very existence?

And then in the next breath, I do want her back. You are not the same as her, not what I’ve been used to all these years. I mourn for the boob that once was. Am I grieving for the one I have lost? Maybe. I miss my old boob. I miss the symmetry. I miss the twin, the other half of a good pair.

Then I tell myself that change should be welcomed. I find myself saying that sometimes change is good, hard to get your head around at first, but good. It’s true to say, we soon learn to adapt, we learn to give appreciation. Out with the old, in with the new, which can sometimes be quite refreshing, right? And as a newbie on my body, in new territory, you will learn to fit in, you will get comfortable with your new surroundings. How long, though, will it take for ME to get used to you being around, to learn to adapt? I realise I have some acceptance work to do. And this is quite normal isn’t it? 

I need to keep reminding myself why you’ve come, why you’re here to stay. Why you’ve been sent as a replacement. And the answer is clear in my mind. You’re here as a reminder that I AM ALIVE!

Leading up to this pivotal point, I can’t help feeling like I had lost my power, given it away, lost control of my existence. I must take back that power, I must own my thoughts which will make everything ok. And I do have the power to choose how I see things. We all do. How we live, how we think, how we feel, how we respond to outside influences, how we react to the happenings in our lives. So, I tell myself this….I AM powerful. I have the power to choose to embrace change. And in the best way I know how. So why the resistance? Because I am human and I need time to adjust to the changes that have been presented to me. I am allowed to resist. That’s totally alright too. But with my powerful mind, I just have to choose to look forward with joy and peace in my heart.

So, the simple fact of the matter is that I need to learn to love you because you have replaced bad with good. You’re a good egg! Yes, it’s evident, you are different. But you are not less. And different is ok. I will learn to embrace you because behind the scars and the bruising, it’s where cancer once lived and no longer does. Cancer is now gone! You, my new boob, may not be the original, but you’re ‘shiny and new’. I loved my shiny, new car when it arrived (although that didn’t come out of the showroom battered and dented) so it just may not be a love at first sight feeling with you. But it will come, I will feel the same way about you. Cancer didn’t get a chance to take my body and I will see you as a boob of honour for my courage, my bravery, a sign that I have overcome a fight, a battle…a battle that I have well and truly won! 

So, the choice I now need to make is this….do I see you as an unfamiliar mound or do I see you as confirmation that I am strong, I am bold, I am awesome…..and I survived! 

Cancer came along to teach me things, teach me strength, teach me a new found overcoming attitude I never thought I possessed. I’ve overcome adversity in life before but never like this. Nothing as challenging as this. Now cancer has gone and you have taken the place of the disease, I will choose to give thanks to you for being here.

So, I WILL get through this initial phase of not seeing you as being a part of me. I will adjust to my new body shape, but I think I need to take little steps of acceptance, one process at a time. And when I have taken those little incremental steps, I will see you as a survival boob. You saved my life, and your being here will tell a story of my courage.

This is where I remind myself of the conversation I had with your predecessor before she had to be taken away:

Me: “Dodgy Boob, I’m unhappy with you, you’ve made me sad and caused me a lot of grief these last few months. 

Dodgy Boob: “I’m so sorry Abbie. I didn’t mean to.”

Me: “I didn’t ask you to give me this hassle, this pain. I used to like you, you were alright in my book before all of this. But you’ve betrayed me so now ya gotta go!”

Dodgy Boob: “I didn’t mean to let in that first unwanted nasty cancer cell. It just turned up uninvited and I didn’t have the strength to send it away. It was so persistent and insistent on staying. And then it kept bringing along its mates. There were so many of them and they totally overwhelmed me. Will you ever forgive me?”

Me: “Well….before you go, I think I can find it in my heart to forgive you. I guess it’ll be essential for me to move on. You still need to go though so I can concentrate on healing fully. But I suppose I will miss you. You have been good to me.”

Dodgy Boob: “Thank you. And again, I’m so sorry. Oh…and tell my replacement that it needs to look after you well.”

So….new boob, will you do that? Will you carry out what your predecessor has asked of you?

I am still here, living on this Earth. And if this battered, new mound I stare at in the mirror is to be part of my new life, I will learn to love you. Because you will heal, you will look like you belong. It may take a little time to adjust, it will certainly take strength of mind on my part. But I choose to view you through loving eyes.

In order to live a blissful and joyful life, that means loving everything about life including the ups and the downs, and includes loving everything about the person I am, the inside of me AND the outside of me. Because behind the bruises and the scars, my heart is beating, and my heart is still, if not even more so, full of love and gratitude. I am grateful for being a living being! And I will continue to affirm to myself….I am mentally strong! I am a whole woman and I am accepted just as I am, especially by the person in the mirror. 

Love yourself first, my friends, then you can be sure that life will love you right back. 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

Cancer……I Win!

It’s time for a ‘CELEBRATION!’ 🍾 And ‘ABBIE’ is going to celebrate hard and in style and here’s why! (You know how much I LOVE an acronym). 😄 

Ok, so one of the ABBIE acronyms doesn’t quite work, but hell….who cares?!
The ‘not so big C’ has left the building, been evicted !!! I WIN! Cancer, you lose! Well…..let’s face it. The b****** cells didn’t stand a chance did they? 💪🙌

So, my latest MRI results……From a 10cm grapefruit in my ‘Brad Pitt’ and in many, many lymph nodes, to a pea! Not even that. “A ghosting of cancerous cells is left” my surgeon says.

YIPPEE!!!!!!! 

Do you believe in the power of the subconscious mind…? The power of words? In the power of what we say and how we speak to ourselves affects our lives? Can have a positive effect on our physiology? Do you believe in what we think about, we bring about? That we can shape our lives JUST by what we think, believe, see and FEEL in our minds and hearts? I DO!! 

Well….thinking about what my parents would always say to us growing up ‘if you don’t ask, you don’t get’

It works my friends! I asked, or rather, I told myself these very words and that’s precisely what happened. 

Yes, the chemotherapy treatment has worked very well over the last four months and the tumour responded amazingly; I also strongly believe my optimistic frame of mind had a part to play in this fantastic result (over 10cm sized tumour to practically nothing!)

Thank you very much for paying me a short visit little, insignificant C….DON’T COME BACK please, you’re not welcome! You’ve done your job. You may have taken away my hair, my hope (only for a short period), but you didn’t take my life, you helped me lose weight, you saved me money from not going out, you gave me a reason to start writing a blog, you helped me raise money for the charity, Cancer Hair Care, you gave me life perspective, you gave me a reason to be bold, strong, INVINCIBLE! 

Cancer put that in your pipe and smoke it….MATE! Well, you’re not my mate really but I do thank you for teaching me life-long lessons. 

I’m sorry though (well I’m not really sorry)…..It’s time to say Goodbye, Adios, Au revoir, Ta-ra (certainly not TTFN!), Sayonara, Arrivederci, Ciao, off you trot, or shall I say off ya f***! (Sorry Mum and Dad for all the swearing but I’M ECSTATIC so please allow me to shout from the rooftops with a few expletives!)

So, I am revelling in the fact that I am walking around pretty much CANCER FREE now!

And thank YOU my supporters, my champions for believing in me and backing me. 

So, my surgeon, ‘Angel Zoe’….I call her Angel Zoe as she seems to have floated down into my life, into my existence, with her angelic presence, the sparkly, white, HUGE, angel wings and perfectly round halo that sits above her head….has taken the stress away from me regarding the surgery that I still need (why? You may wonder because if there’s almost no cancer cells left then why is a mastectomy needed rather than a lumpectomy. I’ll explain why later on). Angel Zoe has given me hope. Did she come from nowhere? Hmmmm…..I actually think not. Zoe came into my life with a solution to my problem because I sought additional answers. And because of where I stand with my current strong mindset, I believe that people and situations come into your life and solve issues, sort everything out, show you life can be straightforward, can be what you wish for. Life can be simple, never easy, but simple, if you give it the respect of trusting it and trusting its process. 

And check this out…..on researching ‘Angel Zoe’, before letting her loose with a scalpel on my right boob, I googled her, (as you do) and LOOK! Look what I found……

“Zoe Barber (that’s my surgeon) travelled to Los Angeles to visit Project AngelFood for 6 weeks. Project AngelFood is a non-profit organisation that prepares, cooks and delivers meals to those battling critical illness. Their aim is to provide comfort and nutrition at a time of significant financial, physical and emotional need.  

Since its inception in 1989, Project AngelFood has delivered almost 9 million meals to over 15,000 people, a testament to the Agency’s ability to implement and sustain a successful home-delivered food and nutrition program over the last 25 years.

Project AngelFood was founded in 1989 by Marianne Williamson. 

Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson and David Kessler held the first fundraiser, bringing in $11,000.”

WOW!!!!! I gave her the title ‘Angel Zoe’ before even knowing any of this. She really IS an Angel. Let’s hope she does a good job on my ‘Lady Lump’! I don’t want to have to retract her title! 

So, yes, my cancer free news is wonderfully bitter sweet as I still need the mastectomy and this is booked for Wednesday 12th May. A 3.5-hour operation, one ‘nork’ taken off and replaced with an imposter. Ok….so, not really an imposter but not real if you get my drift. But at least it’ll make me feel more symmetrical and less lopsided. AND most importantly no cancer will be residing in my body anymore. I still need the mastectomy as it all needs to go under a microscope to get checked out. (And by all, I mean my boobie and its lymph node neighbours). Also, if I want to be surer that the cancer doesn’t return. No thank you very much. So bring it on Angel Zoe. Do your thing. Take away rogue titty, be gone with it and those nasty, horrible cells that once were. 

Once I’ve recovered from this surgery, when I’ve slept upright for a few weeks (and this shouldn’t be a problem for me, dear readers. Do you recall me saying in a previous blog that I once fell asleep standing upright on a train holding onto one of those things you grab hold of that hang down from the train ceiling? I’m sure they have a name. Anyone know?). So, after I’m all better and all healed, new boob in situ, it’ll be a course of radiotherapy which I’m assured, by many who have gone through it, is a breeze compared to chemotherapy. Hit me with it! 

So, going back to the image of me saying my daily affirmation in the mirror, where I would state those words of conviction looking at myself, my intention to stay strong, determined to feel good through this torrid time, and come out the other side with a non cancerous body…..my wish was my command! Just like the genie in the lamp when Aladdin rubbed it. I rubbed my lamp and what was delivered to me was exactly what I asked for….healthy boob cells and a healed body. 

After the two-week period, post diagnosis, during which I actually thought I could die, I made a choice and that choice was simple….I didn’t want to be a victim to cancer. I took control of how I view the situation. The imagination is invaluable. What you imagine is what becomes your reality. I imagined my future to be bright, my life to be a full one, the possibilities were endless in my mind. And there’s only one explanation for that….CHOICE!

There was little point in being angry about it all and showing bitterness to the situation because “The best fighter is never angry”. My overcoming attitude and my unwavering belief, my optimistic mindset has indeed helped me reach my end goal, which is my healing, but it has also helped me to feel relaxed along the way. And cope well with the crap that kept coming my way.

The last thing I wanted to do was to wallow, I didn’t imagine I would be fun to be around if I was a wallower and I didn’t want people to feel drained if they came to see me. Didn’t want anyone to walk away wishing they’d not bothered to visit because I was so miserable about my situation. 

How do YOU see yourself? Do you recognise whether you are a Drain or a Radiator? By that I mean, do you think people leave your company feeling drained of energy or radiated with love? 

In the same vein, are you a Sapper or a Zapper? Do people feel sapped of energy being around you or zapped to another level of energetic loveliness? What choice will you make?

I’m not saying I am always fun to be around but certainly, during this stage in my life, I didn’t want to be a drain on people, on myself. Because it’s what it says on the tin……it’s draining! Why would I want to drain my own energy thinking about the negatives of Cancer? I needed my positive energy to heal, to get through the gruesome chemo treatment. I needed to channel my energy and focus on getting well rather than thinking about using my energy on moaning and complaining about how awful it is that I’d got cancer. 

I needed to be upbeat to cope with the never ending hospital appointments. I needed to smile through the tears that DID come…. a lot. Because I’m human and do often get ‘those down days’.

My skin may have bruised easily but my WILL and fight did not.

My body may have tired but my spirit never did.

My body may have seen limitations but my mind and spirit never did.

My body may have experienced tension, pain, disease but my spirit never did.

In my mind I was already healed. In my mind, I pictured perfect health. 

And now look what I got, folks! A healed body. Do you think you’ve got what it takes to overcome anything? All it takes is CHOICE. Choose to say ‘yes’. It’s that simple. 

#belikeabbie

Categories
What if I Die?

What if I Die…..?

……The moment I made the switch in my mind from thoughts of death to determination to live.

What if I die? This question had crossed my mind in the very beginning when I received my diagnosis. How could it not? Isn’t that normal? Wouldn’t you think the same? After I had cried bucket loads of tears, over a period of a couple of weeks, and my mind was clearer and more focused, I went into my office and created a ‘personal effects’ folder, with information such as website passwords, my bank details, all my personal information, one place where someone could go and retrieve this sort of information including my finances, in case I died, in an effort to make their life easier if the unthinkable did happen. 

I would imagine people’s opinion on death is split, perhaps not evenly. I would hazard a guess that most people think that experiencing death too soon is a really scary thought and have a crippling fear of it, and some will be entirely ok with the concept, knowing in their heart of hearts that when their time is up, when it’s curtains for them, when the grim reaper comes a-knocking (only the naughty, badly behaved people!), that it is divine timing and they are ok with that, feel peaceful about it, accepting their fate with grace. I am not going to lie, I was scared shitless at the start of my ‘big C’ journey!

I’ve always thought the end of my life would be in my ‘old age’, the age that is considered not too early to be taken to the ‘pearly gates’, an age that is considered acceptable to go, when people say at my funeral, ‘she lived a full life, she had a good innings’. But when those four horrid words were muttered by the specialist, “you’ve got breast cancer”, how long I thought I would live was potentially brought forward by a few years and I had to come face to face with the concept of not living a full life to what is classed as ‘old age’. My demise was brought to the forefront of my mind. And for a short period of time the idea stayed there, filling my mind with worry and anguish and flooding my heart with sadness. That harrowing thought was not something I wanted to continue feeling, and actually more for my son, an innocent child, who is 5 years old and needs me, especially with his diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I don’t want him to be left without me. I want to stick around so I can guide him through life, to help him navigate through the struggles he may encounter, help him understand things which will, no doubt, be harder for him than if he had a neurotypical brain. 

So, there was the moment, two weeks after my diagnosis when, having digested the news and cried enough tears to create the Pacific Ocean #2, my whole mindset changed. My fighting spirit kicked in and that is when I said to myself, “Abbie, nothing can take you down without your permission. Put up your best fight and don’t EVER back down’. I wasn’t going to let cancer win.

So, fast forward a couple of months and this brings me to the time when a friend and I were out walking, walking and talking…..oh, haven’t we all got good at walking, by the way? It’s one of the only things we’ve been ‘allowed’ to do for so long now isn’t it? What with Covid-19 making its appearance last year. I’m sure we’ve all become expert walkers. On that note, have you ever studied how people walk? I have. You’ve got the tiny steppers, the huge striders, and what about the ones who walk with really enthusiastic arm movements, their hips jolting from side to side; it’s quite an animated look isn’t it? Just shy of running, not quite fast enough to run but walking very, very fast. It’s fascinating to watch. I LOVE a bit of ‘people watching’, don’t you? In a park, on the beach or when waiting at the station for the already late train to be even later; anywhere that is a public really…..Oh I love it! I always wonder what people’s lives are like when I’m people watching. Is it because I’m nosy? Or just interested in people? I have always wondered…..

Anyway, back to the conversation with my friend. We were chatting about my upbeat mindset living with cancer (interestingly…..when I first typed ‘living’ it came out as ‘loving’, I guess that is exactly what I’m doing…loving life although I’ve got cancer). Anyway, see below how our conversation went:

My friend: “Your optimistic mindset seems to have taken an exponential leap since your breast cancer diagnosis. I’ve always known you to put a positive slant on things in your day-to-day life; it all seems to have been kicked into overdrive now though.

Me: “Yes, indeed. I think when the chips are down and something very serious and potentially life threatening happens, you are backed into a corner and forced into making a choice how to react, or more appropriately, how to respond to what’s happening. And I chose to up my game and adopt an attitude that nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to keep me from surviving this and living to tell the tale. I also have an unwavering faith, in my mind, and a strong fighting spirit, and getting through this will actually help my physical body to respond to that”.

“When you’re feeling brave and invincible, your body is making neuropeptides similar to Interleukin 2, which is one of the most powerful chemical to fight cancer cells.”

                                                Credit: ‘Quantum Healing’ written by Deepak Chopra MD

My friend: “I wish I had the same mindset as you in life generally, and I can see that when it’s a huge life changing issue you almost have no choice but to gain more strength, but I wouldn’t wish anything drastic like this, something life threatening to turn up in my life, to have that firm belief and faith instilled into my brain”.

I was actually stumped by my friend’s statement. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t really a question but I still wanted to know how to answer it. I thought it was an interesting statement, nonetheless and wanted to provide her with some insight. Why does something as serious as cancer need to happen, and for a possible early death to be brought to the forefront of one’s mind, to really turn things around and start to live life with purpose? So I asked my sister, my mentor, Vanessa, how she would answer that. Her words were profound and ‘spoke’ to me!

Vanessa’s first words were….”Well, we are all going to die at some point, we are all living our own lives but the very end is death for us all whether now or in years to come!” And that was it, I understood exactly what she meant.

So, my answer to my friend was what my sister said above followed by, “A possible early demise has been presented to me but it hasn’t been presented to you. We shouldn’t need a big negative life happening to encourage us to live life to the full NOW. We should make the choice to enjoy the journey of life, with an abundant mindset and overcoming adversity attitude. We can choose to live that way anyway, every day, can’t we? It’s just a choice. It’s quite simple really”. And for the reason that my sister, Vanessa, said. We are all heading towards the same end, some at different times, but the same end nevertheless. Enjoy life’s process with love in your heart. You never know when your time is up. 

Let me use this analogy to explain further what I’m trying to say……
If you picture a seashore (in fact, let’s picture the Pacific Ocean #2 that I created with the tears I cried just after my diagnosis!!) and in that expanse of water there are different variants of seaweed. My seaweed had come floating to the surface whereas others, without a life threatening disease and a potential early death to contend with, may have their seaweed bobbing about on the sea bed. My seaweed is more visible to the eye but it doesn’t mean that other people‘s seaweed isn’t there. It’s just not as obvious to see. 

Trauma that I’ve experienced, life threatening news like I have had, seems to ‘wake you up’. So, yes, I mustered up a strength I never knew I had, adopted an attitude that perhaps was hiding under the surface that has only now been recognised, acknowledged and stamped in my brain! A super power that I thought only She-Ra possessed but it has always been there, it’s just gone a little bit more unnoticed like the seaweed on the sandy seabed. 

I also made the choice to enjoy the process of something that could potentially kill me….I’m sure that sounds very odd to hear! I’ve laughed a lot, adding humour into the way I cope has really helped too. It has certainly made the whole process easier to handle by looking at it in a more lighthearted kind of way. It’s certainly not a trivial issue but I’ve decided to see it that way in my mind’s eye.


My healing, which, in my mind, will happen by the way, will be the proof that this ‘stuff’ works. This mindfulness is not a waste of time. So, it just so happens that getting cancer has given me the playground to play with this stuff. It has encouraged me to make an inspired choice, to trust the process of life. And as I mentioned earlier, I’m a true believer that a combination of an overcoming attitude and positive thoughts can have a profound effect on our physical bodies.

On the subject of trusting life’s process, there’ll be twists and turns on the journey of life, and trusting that it’s all set out and designed for us, and that everything will work out in the end, is tough to do sometimes. We just have to trust that it will. Here are a couple of analogies….like the bumpers, rails or barriers down a bowling alley that are surrounding a lane for when it is a child’s turn to bowl to prevent the balls from going into the gutters. The bowling ball always bounces back into the main drag of the alley and is more likely to hit the pins. Or the guided missile, it goes off course a lot but always hits its target.

And when trusting life’s process, take this hypothetical situation…..Just imagine you are on the edge of a cliff. Someone is there with you, standing a couple of feet away, saying, “I am going to push you off the edge of this cliff. Your ‘wings’ will open after 5 seconds and save you, give you a soft landing.” Do you trust that everything is going to work out well, have a good outcome, and jump anyway? Will you take that risk in your mind and believe that everything will be ok? 


I truly believe that out of my greatest despair has come my greatest gift of life, a whole new perspective, a complete trust in life’s process for me. 

So, going back to my friend’s observation about wanting to have the attitude I do about overcoming adversity but without having to adopt this way of thinking as a result of traumatic news like mine, why wait until you’re forced to have the thoughts that death could potentially come early? We are all going to die at some point anyway so make a choice to be happy NOW, live life to the full NOW. You don’t need to wait until your seaweed floats to the surface of the seashore.

#belikeabbie

Categories
Making a Difference

My Wish is to Make a Difference….If I am the boy, maybe you could be the starfish?

When my sister, Vanessa, and I were growing up, we were lucky enough to have the most wonderful, supportive parents who instilled in us at a very young age to believe that anything is possible if we believe it to be so; that we can achieve anything in life if we just set our minds to it. They always taught us to be kind to others; that if we saw a lady wearing a top we liked and she looked lovely that we shouldn’t be afraid to tell her so; to be happy for someone if they bagged a promotion at work; that if someone cut us up at a junction we should not react with fury but respond with love and acceptance; to smile at strangers, just because…..😊


How lucky are we to have such amazing role models? You never know how your attitude, your words, your smile can make a difference to others, and possibly just when that person needs it most. ‘Paying it forward’ has always been a pleasure to me. And with all of the life lessons mentioned above, it’s stood me in good stead for coming to terms with, and dealing with the biggest blow ever, the greatest life challenge I will ever have to face. 


When I was told I had grade 3 breast cancer, I’ll admit it took me a couple of weeks to digest the information, to admit and accept it was happening to me. I spent the best part of two weeks in total denial in my mind, unable to face up to what was actually happening to me, what could happen I guess, and what I would have to go through in the months, maybe years ahead. I spent hours crying at the thought of the long, agonising road ahead of me. The ‘not knowing’, the fear of the unknown, the endless hospital appointments, then the waiting for CT scan results to tell me whether the tumour had spread and was curable or not! (How I slept a wink in those agonising days, I have no clue!) 
And then after that period of desperation and being at a loss in life, I cast my mind back to the life lessons bestowed upon me from a young age, and my precious Mum and Dad’s caring, warm and encouraging voices rung in my ears…..’you can overcome anything if you have the ‘want’ and the ‘will’ to do so’.


That’s all it took…..the biggest, yet simplest decision of my whole life was made, it was being presented to me on a plate…..my strength of mind was being tested….my mind was made up….I will survive this! No question! No doubt, an unwavering belief that I would absolutely and categorically live through this disease. My focus was to get through this difficult period in my life that was being launched at me, dropped on me from a great height. To me, it was simple! I’d achieved a lot in my life, and brought a lot of positives into my life, just through, what I believe to be, the power of intention, the power of thought, and pure belief. This life-threatening situation was to be my biggest test yet!


Many people have been so forthcoming and kind in saying that they find my attitude towards my cancer diagnosis inspiring and uplifting. I’m still floored, in a good way, by the hundreds of messages I’ve received from people showing their support, care and love and that will stay with me until my dying days (which is not yet!) 


But, you see, I don’t necessarily see myself as inspiring, I see it as a choice. It was no big decision to be this way, to think like this, it just happened and it was simple to me. I chose to use my powerful mind, which is far more equipped than any computer, to overcome the physical ailment in my body. And I know I’m not free of cancer yet….oh, but I will be. What other option is there? Why would I lie down and decide that this is my lot, that it’s ‘curtains’ for me? I’m too young. Mid 40’s is no age to die! 



It’s true, life throws up the unexpected at times. These days I just keep pushing on, believing in the possible not the impossible! I realised, when I needed to realise it most, that I AM made of strong stuff. And it’s only when you have ‘strong stuff’ to deal with that it’s brought right to the forefront of your mind. And I wouldn’t have been dealt this hand if I wasn’t able to cope with it. I truly believe that. 


The main aim of my ‘Boobie blog’, apart from the fact that I am finding it truly stress releasing and cathartic, is to help other people, like my lovely parents taught me, with a mindset change. And to help others believe in their ability to overcome absolutely anything with the right attitude. We have the power within us; we sometimes don’t see that because we’ve never had the experience before. I don’t wish you this experience but practice now, be mindful now, whatever challenges you are facing. 


A dear friend, a few years ago, once said to her husband that she had been ‘Abbie-fied’ after spending some time with me, chatting about all things to do with the ‘power of the mind’ and on the subject of ‘to visualise is to materialise’. To this day, that is one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever given to me. 


In the hope that I can make a difference to just one person, maybe more than just one, the following heart-warming story is why I want to share what works for me, why I am constantly putting myself out there, why, if more of us adopt a more overcoming attitude in life, we will have the belief that absolutely anything is possible. 


I see ‘Impossible’ as ‘I’m Possible’. What about you?


#belikeabbie


My wish is that…..’If I’m the boy, YOU will be a starfish’.

Categories
Coping With Bad Days

It Seems I AM Normal……Hooray!

Ok….so, Today….can DO ONE! 

It seems I AM normal! There was me thinking I was Wonder Woman! This super human being who is loving that cancer has shown up to teach me life long lessons for which I will always show gratitude. Smiling through the sh*t times, laughing through the even sh*ttier times. #belikeabbie right? It’s a great mindset to have. 

But today can p*ss right off! Today can get out of my face, turn on its heels and go back to where it came from, preferably a trillion, zillion miles from here. 

Do you get those days? When all you want to do is cry, wallow, say ‘why me?’. To the life dealer, scream….. ‘What have I done so wrong that you chose to give me this raw deal? Cut me some slack, will you?’ Today I want to shout from the rooftops, ‘Cancer, you a**hole! Why did you pick on me? What did I do to deserve this?’ 


As soon as I woke, the day started off with some bad thoughts. Yesterday, and many days prior, was the opposite, the ‘good thinking’ days. Why the bad thoughts today? I don’t have the answers to that. There was NO apparent reason why the negative thinking kicked in. It just did……it happens from time to time even to me, who is generally upbeat. I AM human after all, not superhuman. 

Today, I awoke, put a pretty top on and thought ‘what is the point in wearing that when you’ve got a bald head and can’t possibly look feminine!’ What’s the point in trying to look nice. YOU’VE GOT CANCER FFS! 

I just want my old life back ‘pre breast cancer’, I want my hair back, I want my eyebrows back, my eyelashes too. (You can keep your leg and underarm hair because not having that is actually quite handy!) I don’t want to wear the ‘it’s-so-bloody-obvious-I’ve-got-cancer’ head wrap anymore. I want to be in someone else’s company and not have to worry about my low immunity situation, worrying whether they’ll pass something on to me and it’ll affect my recovery. 

 I mean, for Christ’s sake, today, in my mind, people close to me are taken ill and I can’t go and see them. We call the ambulance out for my son because he’s swallowed his own tongue! My niece is taken from us in the most cruel way possible. My nephew is beaten to a pulp by thugs…..I mean, for crying out loud (one of the sayings I’d, on occasion, hear my mum saying when I was young) why do I do it to myself? Why do I conjure up these thoughts in my own head? They haven’t happened, they’re not real!! Do other people do this? Am I on my own here? 

So, lovely people, today, may well be a ‘bad thinking’ day for me……but here’s the important thing I need to remember……it’s entirely ok. Here’s when I remind myself….I am in control of my own thoughts. Just me, nobody else. I have total control! And one thing I’ve recently come to learn is that it’s totally alright and acceptable to have those days. Why brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not happening? Why deny these feelings of desperation and pretend that today I’m not in an ‘I am invincible’ mood. Nobody has got life sussed 100% of the time. It’s not real to be on a constant ‘up’. We are complete human beings because of the good AND the bad thoughts and feelings. We are whole and complete because of our light AND our dark. What an invigorating and refreshing thought. 


So, what can I do? I can change it all in my mind with the ‘flick of a switch’. Literally, in an instant.

A very special person in my life, my amazing sister, Vanessa, has taught me that we’re always evolving as people, so it’s ok to experience the bad thoughts and the good thoughts, the weak mind and the strong mind as part of one mind. It’s the law of polarity, you see, opposites that are showing us we are just experiencing different emotions (energy in motion). That’s all they are…..just different emotions passing through us. It’s not wrong, or right, just different.

Because without differences, without contrast, without polarity, there’d be no sun and moon, no day and night, no summer and winter, no dark and light, no up and down, no sun and rain making a rainbow. And where would we be without these contrasts?

With this in mind, when we’re feeling down and having ‘bad thinking’ days, it really is ok because we must remember, there’s always the ‘going up’ to look forward to. And it does happen because, remember…..we are in control of our own thoughts. In TOTAL control! We just make a choice to think more positively. It’s that simple. 

Like taking the rough with the smooth, light and shade in life. Polar opposite thoughts and they ARE ok. It’s ok to feel BOTH of these. Why deny the thoughts that come to us all? We couldn’t do it anyway, not even if we tried. We can’t get them out of our mind once they’re in there. 

So here’s the thing…..from my experience it’s how we VIEW those thoughts that matters, how we PERCEIVE them, how we RESPOND to them, how we let them affect our day that matters…..THAT’s the key, THAT’s what we must focus on. 


So, you may be thinking, how do I get rid of these disturbing thoughts in my head? Here’s what I do……IMMEDIATELY replace them with a good thought, think about what is good in my life, what I am truly grateful for today. The people and things I have in my life that make me smile, make me happy. It’s an instant change in focus. It’s as quick as a click of the fingers. And it’s so interesting to see how fast my mood changes. How quickly I can go from feeling desperate thoughts to feeling ecstatic about life and what I DO have in my life….RIGHT NOW. I’ll say it again, we are in control of our own thoughts. In total control.

So……today, is it actually a bad thing that negative thoughts have crept in? No…..it’s not, it’s just different. And I’m ok with it. I’m content knowing I have the power of thought to switch it, change my whole way of thinking to one on a more positive slant. 


Tomorrow’s a new day anyway and tomorrow, because I am in total control of my own thoughts……’I choose happy, I choose peace, I choose harmony, I choose gratitude, I choose LOVE.’

Let’s just see what kind of day I have….’ 😊 I’ll bet you can guess. 

#belikeabbie – acceptance for what is……it’s liberating!