Tag: #belikeabbie

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Breast Cancer Recovery

My ‘Perfect Imperfections’ tell the story of my survival…This is Me!

 

This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!

“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.

“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”

These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant. 

“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.

I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.

I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me.

The Greatest Showman

So dear readers – THIS IS ME!

Drawing by Laura Clifford

This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning. 

The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind). 

And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in. 

A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?” 

It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance. 

The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is. 

My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.

A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.

#belikeabbie

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My Cancer diagnosis-iversary!


It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻
This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life. 

If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper….. 


Dear Abbie,

There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.


It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.


This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts. 


Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.


You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that. 


You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.


You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale. 


Good luck!  And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud! 

Love Abbie

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Abbie’s Life Rules for Living….I mean REALLY living!

I didn’t die…..YES!

[She says as she punches the air] 

Below are my top tips for living a happy life no matter what you’ve got going on? Why wait? Live it now. #belikeabbie

This may take five or so minutes out of your life to read. Read on if you want to….don’t if you don’t. 

It’s a very surreal feeling to be told you have a life-threatening disease. It doesn’t sink in to start with. It’s not reality, it seems, until you have no choice but to face it. 

Yes it’s true, having cancer has changed me. And I’m not apologetic about it. Correction….it hasn’t changed ME, it’s altered my perception of life. I’m still me. What it has done has woken me up, helped me to see the beauty in life that sometimes is lost in the constant worry. When dealing with a life threatening disease an element of control of how you live your life is taken out of your hands but not how you choose to live it.

I didn’t fear death. I didn’t want it to happen, of course, but I didn’t fear it. When you are faced with the possibility of a life cut short, you see that precious life through different eyes, more appreciative eyes. You stop fretting about the insignificant, meaningless stresses in life and do what you can to make your time on this earth wonderful, harmonious and worthy, minus the shit bits. 

If a similar situation was presented to you, God forbid, wouldn’t you want to enjoy your time here on this earth to the absolute max?

My question to you is this….WHY WAIT? I pray the same doesn’t happen to you. But nevertheless, are you living your best life right now? 

My advice to anyone who wants to live their life to the full as it is NOW, I mean right now, with less worries, it’s simple, do the following:

1). Practice gratitude. Find things to be grateful for in each day. I have a gratitude buddy, two in fact, and we message each other every day with at least four things we are grateful for that happened throughout the previous day. We have been doing this for over 6 years….our gratitude list gets sent to each other every single day, without fail! This has still happened through baby loss, an aeroplane crash, spats with loved ones. Could you find yourself a ‘gratitude buddy’?

2). Appreciate nature. Get outside, fill your lungs with air, come rain or shine. So what if your hair gets wet in the rain. There is always a raincoat with a hood, a hat or an umbrella. As long as you’re prepared, it’s ok. And if you’re not prepared, go with it. What does it really matter? Notice the trees, see the colours of the different flowers. And breathe in deeply. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.

3). Don’t stress over the small stuff. So you’ve spilled the cocktail sticks on the floor. Or the full tub of natural yoghurt slips from your hands and splatters everywhere! Or the bag of frozen peas splits and they all fall to the floor rolling about, some ending up under the fridge. You stub your toe or bang your head. It’s not the end of the world. Pick them up, mop it up or rub it better and move on with your day. 

4). Moan less! See the world through forgiving, happy, loving eyes. See other people the same way. The world will give back forgiveness, happiness and love to you in return as will the people in it. So, I repeat….moan less. Plus, it’s far nicer to spend time with people who don’t constantly whinge! 

5). Help others more. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Make a difference. Give of yourself to others. Give your time, your love, your expertise, your shoulder, your care. Be kind and give, give, give. 

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have witnessed so much love and care from people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words, cards and gifts. And as for the support I have been given from my loved ones, family, friends and strangers, I will always remember this and will be forever grateful to all of these beautiful people.

6). Why stress over striving for perfection…it’s impossible. If a hair is out of place….sod it. If your tired eyes look puffy, your flabby thighs wobble through your trousers or your stretch-marked tummy stares back at you in the long mirror each morning, accept it and enjoy your day anyway. I guarantee you nobody else sees what you sometimes see in yourself. 

7). Listen to music you love. Lose yourself in the lyrics, the melody. Music is therapy. 

8). Say ‘No’ if you want and don’t feel guilty when you do say no. It’s ok to say you don’t want to do something. 

9). Have the treat. Eat the chocolate brownie, order the pizza, scoff the biscuits, indulge in the extra cupcake. And enjoy every crumb. No guilt. 

10). Love your body, no matter what flaws you think you see in the mirror. Those ‘so called’ flaws are part of you, they make up your character and the right people in your life will love them. If they don’t love them then they’re not the ‘right’ people. So, accept the cellulite on your legs, be ok with the stretch marks you have or, in my case, the one fake boob. Nobody’s perfect…..nobody. Despite what we see in the media sometimes.

11). Be mindful of the fact that your mental and emotional health is so important for emotional stability. Practice mindfulness every day including positive affirmations to yourself. Mental health = how you think. Emotional health = how you feel. Feed your mind with positive energy to achieve more of a balanced life. Think happier thoughts to feel happier. 

12). Worry less about what other people think of you. If you’re essentially good and kind and can rest your head on the pillow at night knowing this fact, that’s all that matters. What people think of you otherwise is their problem, not yours. (Axe murderers reading this, I’m not sure you’d be resting your ‘good’ head but then I can’t imagine this blog is your kind of reading material anyway!!!!)

13). Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with every bit of your soul.

14). Make time for you. Have some alone time, be with your own thoughts. Do what you choose to do, once a day at least. It’s essential. Self care is a must.

15). Sometimes….just stop! Stop in the rat race of life and listen to the birds, feel the rain on your face, hear the sound of running water, stop and appreciate life and all its wonders. Because there are many. Sometimes they are just hidden. 

16). Don’t remain in a scenario that makes you miserable. A job, a dispute….be brave and walk away. Life’s too short to be unhappy in a situation. You do have the power to change it. Have the guts to do something about it. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being anything but content and happy.

17). Love yourself. And I’m not talking in a conceited ‘I love myself and everyone else loves me’ kind of way but in a healthy self respect kind of way. Be brave enough to look in the mirror and love and respect who you see looking back at you. The reflection will then love and respect you back. You are worth it.

18). Make people feel important and special. Imagine an invisible sign around everyone’s neck saying just that, ‘make me feel important’. Elevate others. 

19). Be kind….always. You never know what someone is going through in their own life. 

20). Smile! One of my favourite mottos….‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. Smile at strangers. It may be that they needed to see your smile that day. And they’ll pass it on. And so on and so on. 

Life is an echo, a boomerang…what you give out is what you will get back.

21). Accept the shit bits in your past. “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow” (credit: a lyric from a Taylor Swift song). Accept it for what it is, accept what’s happened and move forward, evolving as a person. Live life in the present without worrying about the past or the future. 

22). Realise the power you have to create the life you want. When you realise that you created some of the crap you may be currently experiencing, you understand you have the choice to let it go. You created anger…let the rage go. You created the resentment so you can let it go. You created hatred….release it. You created [fill in the blank]….all you have to do is let it go.


23). Be you. And as long as you are respecting and being kind to others, be ok with being you. It’s ok to be you, everybody else is already taken anyway. The world needs you, know your worth.

24). Don’t let anyone control your thoughts and your life. Have your own say…..always with tact and diplomacy. Be your own person.

So, anyway, there you have it….one cancer survivor’s life advice top tips. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind. 

Living my life over the last few months has been turbulent but I’ve paid attention to how I’ve lived it; the above points I guess I already knew but have been reaffirmed to me and what I have found to be true. 

The thing about life is that it is fragile and unpredictable. It is also precious and each day is a gift.

Appreciate life every day, laugh often. And smile. Be the reason someone smiles today. It really is that simple. Do what makes your heart feel happy.

Life is what you make it. Make it a good’un. You only get one shot at it. 

#belikeabbie

#choosehappy

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Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie