Ok….so, Today….can DO ONE!
It seems I AM normal! There was me thinking I was Wonder Woman! This super human being who is loving that cancer has shown up to teach me life long lessons for which I will always show gratitude. Smiling through the sh*t times, laughing through the even sh*ttier times. #belikeabbie right? It’s a great mindset to have.
But today can p*ss right off! Today can get out of my face, turn on its heels and go back to where it came from, preferably a trillion, zillion miles from here.
Do you get those days? When all you want to do is cry, wallow, say ‘why me?’. To the life dealer, scream….. ‘What have I done so wrong that you chose to give me this raw deal? Cut me some slack, will you?’ Today I want to shout from the rooftops, ‘Cancer, you a**hole! Why did you pick on me? What did I do to deserve this?’
As soon as I woke, the day started off with some bad thoughts. Yesterday, and many days prior, was the opposite, the ‘good thinking’ days. Why the bad thoughts today? I don’t have the answers to that. There was NO apparent reason why the negative thinking kicked in. It just did……it happens from time to time even to me, who is generally upbeat. I AM human after all, not superhuman.
Today, I awoke, put a pretty top on and thought ‘what is the point in wearing that when you’ve got a bald head and can’t possibly look feminine!’ What’s the point in trying to look nice. YOU’VE GOT CANCER FFS!
I just want my old life back ‘pre breast cancer’, I want my hair back, I want my eyebrows back, my eyelashes too. (You can keep your leg and underarm hair because not having that is actually quite handy!) I don’t want to wear the ‘it’s-so-bloody-obvious-I’ve-got-cancer’ head wrap anymore. I want to be in someone else’s company and not have to worry about my low immunity situation, worrying whether they’ll pass something on to me and it’ll affect my recovery.
I mean, for Christ’s sake, today, in my mind, people close to me are taken ill and I can’t go and see them. We call the ambulance out for my son because he’s swallowed his own tongue! My niece is taken from us in the most cruel way possible. My nephew is beaten to a pulp by thugs…..I mean, for crying out loud (one of the sayings I’d, on occasion, hear my mum saying when I was young) why do I do it to myself? Why do I conjure up these thoughts in my own head? They haven’t happened, they’re not real!! Do other people do this? Am I on my own here?
So, lovely people, today, may well be a ‘bad thinking’ day for me……but here’s the important thing I need to remember……it’s entirely ok. Here’s when I remind myself….I am in control of my own thoughts. Just me, nobody else. I have total control! And one thing I’ve recently come to learn is that it’s totally alright and acceptable to have those days. Why brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not happening? Why deny these feelings of desperation and pretend that today I’m not in an ‘I am invincible’ mood. Nobody has got life sussed 100% of the time. It’s not real to be on a constant ‘up’. We are complete human beings because of the good AND the bad thoughts and feelings. We are whole and complete because of our light AND our dark. What an invigorating and refreshing thought.
So, what can I do? I can change it all in my mind with the ‘flick of a switch’. Literally, in an instant.
A very special person in my life, my amazing sister, Vanessa, has taught me that we’re always evolving as people, so it’s ok to experience the bad thoughts and the good thoughts, the weak mind and the strong mind as part of one mind. It’s the law of polarity, you see, opposites that are showing us we are just experiencing different emotions (energy in motion). That’s all they are…..just different emotions passing through us. It’s not wrong, or right, just different.
Because without differences, without contrast, without polarity, there’d be no sun and moon, no day and night, no summer and winter, no dark and light, no up and down, no sun and rain making a rainbow. And where would we be without these contrasts?
With this in mind, when we’re feeling down and having ‘bad thinking’ days, it really is ok because we must remember, there’s always the ‘going up’ to look forward to. And it does happen because, remember…..we are in control of our own thoughts. In TOTAL control! We just make a choice to think more positively. It’s that simple.
Like taking the rough with the smooth, light and shade in life. Polar opposite thoughts and they ARE ok. It’s ok to feel BOTH of these. Why deny the thoughts that come to us all? We couldn’t do it anyway, not even if we tried. We can’t get them out of our mind once they’re in there.
So here’s the thing…..from my experience it’s how we VIEW those thoughts that matters, how we PERCEIVE them, how we RESPOND to them, how we let them affect our day that matters…..THAT’s the key, THAT’s what we must focus on.
So, you may be thinking, how do I get rid of these disturbing thoughts in my head? Here’s what I do……IMMEDIATELY replace them with a good thought, think about what is good in my life, what I am truly grateful for today. The people and things I have in my life that make me smile, make me happy. It’s an instant change in focus. It’s as quick as a click of the fingers. And it’s so interesting to see how fast my mood changes. How quickly I can go from feeling desperate thoughts to feeling ecstatic about life and what I DO have in my life….RIGHT NOW. I’ll say it again, we are in control of our own thoughts. In total control.
So……today, is it actually a bad thing that negative thoughts have crept in? No…..it’s not, it’s just different. And I’m ok with it. I’m content knowing I have the power of thought to switch it, change my whole way of thinking to one on a more positive slant.
Tomorrow’s a new day anyway and tomorrow, because I am in total control of my own thoughts……’I choose happy, I choose peace, I choose harmony, I choose gratitude, I choose LOVE.’
Let’s just see what kind of day I have….’ 😊 I’ll bet you can guess.
#belikeabbie – acceptance for what is……it’s liberating!
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