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‘DIEP Flap’ surgery – My Tummy Fat’s Gory Relocation

I have time on my hands whilst recovering so a new blog is available……. http://www.abbiesboobieblog.com

Why not pop over and subscribe so you automatically receive each update? 😊

I am 11 days post surgery now. Generally, I’m doing ok. Although it certainly is an up and down rollercoaster!

I can’t cough! Or blow my nose properly! And I really hope I don’t need to sneeze. [Look up at the ceiling light, just look up at the light!] Heaven forbid I drop something on the floor (which I’ve done many times) there’s no chance of picking that bugger up! At one point our floor was littered (a slight exaggeration 😉) with stuff I’d dropped, couldn’t bend down to pick up and had to ask one of my ‘helpers’ to go round and pick up after me. Thank goodness I’m surrounded by such amazing, understanding, loved ones. I’m so very grateful!

And funny, humorous people…..well, keep those folk away from me. Just until I’m able to show my full appreciation, roar with laughter without my sides splitting…..literally.
Actually, I’m pulling your leg there! As a side note at this point, peeps…..’I’m pulling your leg’, pray tell me, where did that phrase come from? It makes no sense. We say it, don’t we? when we tell people we are teasing them. Odd! All idioms can be kinda weird don’t ya think? I’d love to know who thought them up. 🤔 Imagine if I wrote this whole blog made up of idioms! 😝

Actually, I didn’t really mean what I said before. Please don’t keep those humorous people away from me. They’re keeping my spirits up, keeping me smiling. It’s a tonic. It’s what I need. Laughter is the best medicine, they say. I do believe that. So, I’ll just hug my bandaged up belly whilst cracking up but, hey, I’d rather that than NOT be surrounded by those delightful, sunny folk.

Anyway, what a tangent I’ve just gone on!! 🙄😂

I digress, back to the start of this blog……
It hurts to cough and all what I’ve already said but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t go back on the decision to have this latest surgery. For those who are due to have it done or have friends who are having it done, do it, do it, do it! It’ll all be worth it.

Personally, I needed the fake boob implant out of my body after it had ‘told’ me in no uncertain terms that it could not stay, it had to go! It wasn’t working out well in the position it was in. Like an employee telling their employer “I’m sorry, boss, it’s just not working for me at this company. I’m not fulfilling my full potential in this role. I need a change of direction”. Or a relationship whereby one party says to the other “I want out! It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not happy. I need to leave. It may be a painful process but you’ll be better off without me, I promise”.

And so the procedure was done! With my tummy usually being the less fatty part of my body (shame they couldn’t take my ASS and THIGH fat!!!! 😂) I’d purposely built up tummy fat so it could be used to build me a ‘noob’ (new boob). And….wahey!!! My surgeon said there was just enough fat to use. (Shoving all that chocolate in my mouth was clearly a necessity!)

I was under constant surveillance in hospital, as was my ‘noob’, my new prized possession, to ensure it was keeping a temperature of at least 36 degrees C. And they also used an ultrasound device (a doppler) to make sure that the blood flow was good, the pulse in my ‘noob’ was beating regularly and healthily. Because when they built it, they also had to cut and reattach blood vessels so it’s important that the blood was flowing for it to have worked, therefore, survive and stay alive going forward.

I was unable to move my torso at first so was in one position on the bed hence ‘Cathy the catheter’ being required.

I can’t see anything of my tummy yet and its scars as it’s covered in thick bandages however it looks nice and flat now! 😁 #tummytuckachieved

I’m still walking around rather gingerly, unable to walk too far, or stand up straight up properly for that matter but things are improving every day, for sure. And I’m grateful for that. One day at a time, Abbie, one day at a time.

Looking forward to swinging from chandeliers again very soon! 😜

#belikeabbie

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My ‘noob’ (new boob) 😁

It’s GOING HOME from hospital day for me today! 🥳 Surgery #3 on the chest area.

The last few days…..let’s assess. 🤓

I have been cared for like a queen whilst I have resided at this lovely hospital and am so grateful for that. 🙏🏻 Amazing place, amazing staff, amazing everything.

Other elements of my 4-5 day stay have been a bit shite…..I won’t lie! Only because ‘Pain’ and ‘Discomfort’ decided to show their faces as if they had these titles etched on their lapels whilst boldly striding into my hospital room, forces to be reckoned with, and stating firmly and loudly “We are in charge these next few days, lady! Don’t get all high and mighty and have your overcoming attitude with us!”

Day 1 – I actually thought, immediately post op, I was The Boss of the Pain and Discomfort. Nothing really hurt. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh, but no, that would’ve been the general anaesthetic still running through my veins and because I wasn’t able to move much there was little chance of the pain kicking in anyway! When it wore off…..Jeez Louise! Pain was definitely the Boss of me with a capital B (or is it capital P? D’you know what I mean with this saying? 🤔 Help me out on that one, folks).
Anyway, I knew Pain and Discomfort would turn up at some point but I was naive to the level of their strength. And the sheer and downright rudeness, their bullish attitude when wanting to ‘enter the mix’, shall we say….what a bloody cheek. The audacity of them both….to reduce me to tears on a few occasions! B*stards! Both of them!

So, you know me (#belikeabbie) I had to assure myself that this was all the more reason to find the silver linings. Sometimes it’s necessary to dig really deep and I’m diggin’ very deep at the moment, people. They are always there though if we do our best impersonation of a mole steadfastly burrowing into a hole…..Silver linings and things to be grateful for, are always there. (On that note, is the proper English, ‘things for which to be grateful?’ Sod that, that doesn’t sound right to me so I’m going with my version….’things to be grateful for’. Thank you very much.

Here is my comprehensive list.

  1. It’s all over! The surgery is done. I am out the other side. And I have a noob! (New boob! 😁) A real one this time.
  2. tummytuck. A rather drastic way to get a tuck of the tummy variety, scoop the fat out from my tummy and put it in my chest area to build a ‘noob’, but happy about the flatter tummy all the same. Saved me having to be flat chested on one side which was the only other option in this scenario. I can’t worry about the new set of scars I’m left with either (a hip-to-hip scar under the knicker line. And more, in different places this time, breast scars). I’m like a patchwork quilt these days. Who cares? I’m still here on this earth. That’s the main thing.
  3. Laughter about the ‘tie-up-at-the-back’ hospital gowns. Very practical for the job in hand but, of course, and when not trying to choke me at the top of the gown, it meant my bare (rather flabby) bottom has been on show for all to see! Poor doctors and nurses. 🙈 Ya give up caring about these sorts of things after a while don’t ya? Had the caretaker had had a flash too it wouldn’t have bothered me! All par for the course I feel. 😅
  4. Nurses/Carers – you’re all AMAZING! They’ve wiped my a**, put up with the fact that I stench a bit from not showering, had my stinky breath in their face and had my ‘foof’ in their direct eye line! Hats off to you incredible humans! (Family, loved ones, friends at home….if you come bearing grapes, bring nose pegs too. Ya might need them 😝)
  5. Time! Time……to do not much. Except rest, read, write my blogs/write parts for the book I’m writing, watch tele, nap, think, be still. Just…..BE.
  6. Catheters! Whoever invented them….I bloody love you. Not had one before. Mine was called Cathy. (Not all that original I know! 🙃) Could we choose to have these fitted if we ever get a bit lazy?! 🤔 Can we? 🫣 Rhetorical, that question. I know the answer. Nevertheless, a marvellous invention!
  7. Natural Progression!
    Day 1 – Took me 20 minutes and 3 nurses to get up off the bed to a standing position for a few minutes and back down again. Cue lightheadedness, nausea and crying out in agony. They wanted to sit me in a chair. No can do, at that stage. Sorry.
    Day 3 – (once ‘Cathy the catheter’ was out) It took me an hour to do all that and get to the bathroom, do my business, do a bit more business, like washing my face and brushing my teeth, and shuffle back to, and climb back onto, my bed. All the while at least one nurse standing by to aide me.
    Day 4/5 – I was feeling totally SMUG 😌 as it only took me 20 minutes to do the whole of Day 3’s process….ALL BY MYSELF don’t ya know! 😁
  8. The fact that I don’t look quite as awful as I did minutes after I came round from my op. (See pic no.1). I would not have blamed Adam one bit if he thought at that point…..”this scary looking, pale-faced, woman is not for me anymore! 😱” But no, he’s still around so he’s, quite obviously, a keeper. 😍
  9. Laxatives. No explanation needed.
  10. Makeup. Pic 6 I have put a little bit of blusher and mascara on for going home day. Makeup is great for making us look less shit! 😂 Oh how I love it and the very reason I have my own business in skin care and makeup.
  11. Last, but by no means least…..my surgeons. Thank you to them. They are both incredible! This procedure happens all the time so it’s no biggie for them. But for me, it’s a new, different and unknown experience. I am so grateful they trained in their specialist field and have amazing skills in oncoplastic surgery.

So, that’s that. WAIT!!!!!

Things you should ignore….the splodge of blueberry compote I spilled on my hospital gown in pic 4!

Things you shouldn’t ignore….’Rosie’, my rose quartz for healing crystal Angel, I am clutching in pics 2 and 3. She kept me safe.

So that’s that now. My last few days in a (not so brief) account. You may be interested to hear about it, you may not, both is absolutely fine with me. 😊

I shall pick up my dignity from the ‘Dignity Box’ at the hospital reception desk which I left there on the way in last Saturday and be on my way. 😁

So, even though the last few days have been incredibly difficult at times, I make it a daily practice, and wherever possible, to look for positive aspects of any given situation, no matter how dire. And also, in my mind, seeing the funny side is essential. If we don’t laugh, we’ll wallow and cry a lot. And that doesn’t help our mental state or the mental state of anyone around us for that matter.

#belikeabbie

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3rd December…..an anniversary to celebrate, or not?

An anniversary is often something to celebrate. This very day, 4 years ago, I was told I had breast cancer. To celebrate this day or not celebrate this day…..? 🤔 That is the question. I will always remember the date, that’s for sure.

On 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. Crikey!! I did NOT expect THAT! 😳 I had been growing a 10cm nasty tumour but didn’t know it at the time. (10cm!!! And didn’t know it?! Where the f**k was I looking?! 🙄) After hearing those words and being handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ leaflet, I thought about my little boy, who was being picked up from school by his Daddy, and my first thought was, “But….what if I don’t see my son grow up? What if he goes through most of his life without his Mummy?” 😞 At first, these grave thoughts consumed my anxious mind.

Fast forward a few months, I had got my ‘bald’ head around the news, and what was going on, on a practical level but mentally, it was challenging.

Looking back at some of the photos of myself mid-treatment (see below), it brings a tear to my eye, it has to be said. When I looked in the mirror every day back then, I didn’t recognise myself. Cancer had robbed me of so much, the obvious visible aspects but also my hormones and my identity to boot. And it seemed at the time, to be such a long recovery road ahead. Would I ever get back to feeling and looking like myself?

In order to accept who I was becoming, it meant a change in mindset. I had little choice but to change my way of thinking once those initial grave thoughts had been banished from my mind. I had a challenge ahead of me and I knew that.

So I set to work…..a daily task, it needed to be.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a bald head….I saw resilience.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a lack of one breast….I saw strength.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see scars….I saw, and still see, survival.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I saw the person on the inside rather than concentrating on the outside shell which was….is….so very different.

Even after 4 years, I still have moments where my emotions break down and the tears flow. I am still getting used to the new ‘me’. It has been, and in fact continues to be, such a rough ride what with all the medication I take and post cancer treatment I have to stop the disease returning; I ride the ups and downs with the same mindset I adopted near the beginning after the initial blow of the ‘c’ word. I decide to make each day count now. I choose to see silver linings.

So, for all you have given me…..the 3rd of December, I celebrate you and the lessons in life you have taught me.

Happy 3rd December one and all. 🙏🏻

#belikeabbie

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The Next Chapter in the life of Abbie’s Boob!

Dear TUMMY FAT,

Thank you for all you have done for me over these past few months BUT in a few weeks, you must go! Goodbye tummy, hello new boob. 👋🏼

It’s true to say, tummy fat, it’s a love/hate relationship we are currently experiencing; you may have felt that vibe. I have become accustomed to you being here in my body but it has to be said, and forgive me for being so blunt, I will NOT miss you!

From your point of view, don’t fear, we still have a few weeks together, you don’t have to make your gory departure just yet but your leaving party has been organised for Saturday 11th January next year. And after that time you’ll be gone, in the situ to which you’ve become accustomed, and magically appear on the right side of my chest. (Wahoo! A ‘real’ boob again!)

I have been growing you, dear tummy fat, for a good few months now and you have appeared, rather predictably, after every mouthful of chocolate, every crisp, biscuit, big wedge of cheese or fizzy cola bottle I’ve shoved into my gob! And even though I have slightly resented you being here (my trousers don’t fit around the waist!) we both know, you have appeared for one good reason….so you could go ‘under the knife’, whilst I am put to sleep, and be distributed somewhere else in my body where you are needed more. So, well done for being so compliant and joining the ‘build up some fat’ party I am hosting.

I just have one question for you though, tummy fat, as I’ve been pondering about this for some time now…..Erm…..why were ‘thigh fat’, ‘bum lard’ and ‘face podge’ invited to the ‘build up some fat’ party? Because I don’t recall sending them an invitation. 🤔 They seem to have gatecrashed and come along ‘for the ride’ anyway! So, I wonder if I could ask you to have a quiet word with all of them please, do your best door-bouncer impression and tell them to ‘GET OUT, PISS OFF!’ They’ve definitely outstayed their welcome! I fear it may take them a good while to ‘Foxtrot Oscar’ though, don’t you?

So, dear tummy fat, you’ve had your few months residency now and as I’ve mentioned, I’ve not really enjoyed your company and not relished you being around my middle but one thing is for sure, looking for those silver linings as I like to do (#belikeabbie 😊), you’ve served your purpose well. And I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart…..you will save me from being flat-chested on one side. Because as you know, ‘fake’ boob #1 was inserted after my cancer-ridden natural one was lopped off. That then ended up having to be surgically removed and replacement ‘fake’ boob #2 took residency. But she has now met the same fate. So, for that reason, I will be truly grateful to you when the time comes for your leaving party in January. You will end up being my saviour. The love/hate scenario explained!

Safe onward journey further north on my body, tummy fat. You’ve served your purpose and it’s soon time to leave.

Adios, my faithful ‘friend/foe’! 🙋‍♀️

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Livin’ Life To The Full….Every Day

I haven’t posted on my blog for a while. There’s no reason really. Just because…..

The next ‘post cancer’ stage……

The new chemo pill (preventive medicine) is booked for September. Twice a day, every day. Now, stay away cancer!! Thank you very much. 🙏🏻

Looking back from THEN to NOW, over 2 years on. As many of you know, I went on a little journey over the last time period and so did my hair!

That ‘end of tunnel’ light was very dim in December 2020! 😞 It got dimmer before it got brighter. I then started to see the light glowing through the tunnel. A few months later, the light got brighter, and then brighter still. 💫

Anyone going through the same…..hold onto hope.

I’ve been gauging my hair growth on my recovery. Why? 🤔 You may ask. I had fairly long hair before cancer, therefore the longer my hair grows post cancer, the further away from having had the disease I feel I’m getting. I suppose psychologically, in my head, it might mean I’m safer, perhaps? I’m further away from the nastiness, if that makes any sense at all? That’s how I like to look at it anyway.

The last period in pictures……

Image 1 – 3rd December 2020 (on the day of Breast Cancer diagnosis)

Image 2 – January 2021 (hair shedding) 😞

Image 3 – Feb 2021 (completely bald)

Image 4 – May 2021 (hair starts to grow back, a whispering of soft hair)

Image 5 – June 2021 (a good head coverage)

Image 6 – July 2023 (Today…..after many hair trims to keep the style shapely)

So, the longer my hair gets, the further away from having had cancer I feel. I am certainly living life to the full, unafraid to shout loudly that you, too, can live life to the full no matter what is going on for you.

Looking ahead to a BIG birthday in three years’ time, I will celebrate the life I lead every day and not just on birthdays and special occasions. Every day is a special occasion to me. #belikeabbie

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My Cancer diagnosis-iversary!


It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻
This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life. 

If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper….. 


Dear Abbie,

There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.


It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.


This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts. 


Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.


You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that. 


You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.


You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale. 


Good luck!  And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud! 

Love Abbie

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How Did You Do It?

“How did you do it? Survive cancer?”….. My friends have said.

People have asked me how I did it. Many have said, “How did you fight cancer with such an upbeat attitude, a smile on your face for the majority of the time and continuing to enjoy life and laugh a lot through the truly awful process? I couldn’t do it.” 

My answer is this: “Yes you could”.

I’m no more special than you are, I’m not stronger than you, I’m really not. But I chose to have the courage to keep going in the face of adversity, when I was given reasons to not keep going, and that’s the truth of it. You could do the same if you just made the choice to be brave and courageous. 

Everything that I have been through, here’s the list. (This is for information purposes only and I would add it’s not as much as some have had to cope with in life):

  • Lump found Dec 2019
  • Given the all clear Feb 2020
  • March-Sep 2020 lump still there getting bigger and bigger
  • Return to Drs…..Grade 3 breast cancer diagnosis Dec 2020
  • Chemotherapy and all its side effects (fatigue, mouth sores, throat problems (ongoing), bowel problems, breathlessness, sore fingertips (unable to open cans etc), nose bleeds, nausea and sickness, hair loss, nail loss, facial cellulitis)
  • Single mastectomy and reconstruction surgery (overcoming the surgery itself, intense pain, physical changes in my body therefore emotional experiences learning to adjust)
  • Finishing off with 3 weeks of intense radiotherapy every weekday
  • Early induced menopause at age 45 still to come….

And still I kept going. 

You see, all you have to do in the face of adversity is hold onto hope even when you could easily give up hope. 

Life is hard, it’s true, but why say….”I’ll be happy when…..[fill in the blank]?” 

People are afraid to be happy sometimes because life IS hard and there are a lot of reasons to be afraid, a lot of reasons to give up on life but, you see, there are also a lot of reasons to be thankful. Where would you rather put your focus?

Life can be very tough at times; my advice is to embrace both ends of the stick where life is concerned. Embrace that life is hard AND beautiful. Why do we feel like we have to choose one to focus on? Go with it and embrace the hard parts just as much as the easy parts, the sh*t bits just as much as the good bits. When we embrace the rollercoaster of life, that’s when life is harmonious and we feel alive.

And why be ashamed to say ‘my life is hard, I’m not coping’. (I have been saying that often over the last couple of weeks at the time of writing this). You CAN cope but it’s ok to think you can’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s truth. Truth is real. And the reality is we don’t always cope and that’s entirely ok. Why deny that? 

A quote I heard recently….”When we deny the pain of today, we deny the hope of the future” and I agree, why do that? Both are real feelings.

Life doesn’t get easier, life is not simple. What IS simple is your view of the life you lead if you choose to embrace both ends of the stick. 

So that’s how I did it. That’s how I survived cancer. And that’s how I am still living my life now…..cancer free. 

#belikeabbie

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Abbie’s Life Rules for Living….I mean REALLY living!

I didn’t die…..YES!

[She says as she punches the air] 

Below are my top tips for living a happy life no matter what you’ve got going on? Why wait? Live it now. #belikeabbie

This may take five or so minutes out of your life to read. Read on if you want to….don’t if you don’t. 

It’s a very surreal feeling to be told you have a life-threatening disease. It doesn’t sink in to start with. It’s not reality, it seems, until you have no choice but to face it. 

Yes it’s true, having cancer has changed me. And I’m not apologetic about it. Correction….it hasn’t changed ME, it’s altered my perception of life. I’m still me. What it has done has woken me up, helped me to see the beauty in life that sometimes is lost in the constant worry. When dealing with a life threatening disease an element of control of how you live your life is taken out of your hands but not how you choose to live it.

I didn’t fear death. I didn’t want it to happen, of course, but I didn’t fear it. When you are faced with the possibility of a life cut short, you see that precious life through different eyes, more appreciative eyes. You stop fretting about the insignificant, meaningless stresses in life and do what you can to make your time on this earth wonderful, harmonious and worthy, minus the shit bits. 

If a similar situation was presented to you, God forbid, wouldn’t you want to enjoy your time here on this earth to the absolute max?

My question to you is this….WHY WAIT? I pray the same doesn’t happen to you. But nevertheless, are you living your best life right now? 

My advice to anyone who wants to live their life to the full as it is NOW, I mean right now, with less worries, it’s simple, do the following:

1). Practice gratitude. Find things to be grateful for in each day. I have a gratitude buddy, two in fact, and we message each other every day with at least four things we are grateful for that happened throughout the previous day. We have been doing this for over 6 years….our gratitude list gets sent to each other every single day, without fail! This has still happened through baby loss, an aeroplane crash, spats with loved ones. Could you find yourself a ‘gratitude buddy’?

2). Appreciate nature. Get outside, fill your lungs with air, come rain or shine. So what if your hair gets wet in the rain. There is always a raincoat with a hood, a hat or an umbrella. As long as you’re prepared, it’s ok. And if you’re not prepared, go with it. What does it really matter? Notice the trees, see the colours of the different flowers. And breathe in deeply. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.

3). Don’t stress over the small stuff. So you’ve spilled the cocktail sticks on the floor. Or the full tub of natural yoghurt slips from your hands and splatters everywhere! Or the bag of frozen peas splits and they all fall to the floor rolling about, some ending up under the fridge. You stub your toe or bang your head. It’s not the end of the world. Pick them up, mop it up or rub it better and move on with your day. 

4). Moan less! See the world through forgiving, happy, loving eyes. See other people the same way. The world will give back forgiveness, happiness and love to you in return as will the people in it. So, I repeat….moan less. Plus, it’s far nicer to spend time with people who don’t constantly whinge! 

5). Help others more. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Make a difference. Give of yourself to others. Give your time, your love, your expertise, your shoulder, your care. Be kind and give, give, give. 

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have witnessed so much love and care from people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words, cards and gifts. And as for the support I have been given from my loved ones, family, friends and strangers, I will always remember this and will be forever grateful to all of these beautiful people.

6). Why stress over striving for perfection…it’s impossible. If a hair is out of place….sod it. If your tired eyes look puffy, your flabby thighs wobble through your trousers or your stretch-marked tummy stares back at you in the long mirror each morning, accept it and enjoy your day anyway. I guarantee you nobody else sees what you sometimes see in yourself. 

7). Listen to music you love. Lose yourself in the lyrics, the melody. Music is therapy. 

8). Say ‘No’ if you want and don’t feel guilty when you do say no. It’s ok to say you don’t want to do something. 

9). Have the treat. Eat the chocolate brownie, order the pizza, scoff the biscuits, indulge in the extra cupcake. And enjoy every crumb. No guilt. 

10). Love your body, no matter what flaws you think you see in the mirror. Those ‘so called’ flaws are part of you, they make up your character and the right people in your life will love them. If they don’t love them then they’re not the ‘right’ people. So, accept the cellulite on your legs, be ok with the stretch marks you have or, in my case, the one fake boob. Nobody’s perfect…..nobody. Despite what we see in the media sometimes.

11). Be mindful of the fact that your mental and emotional health is so important for emotional stability. Practice mindfulness every day including positive affirmations to yourself. Mental health = how you think. Emotional health = how you feel. Feed your mind with positive energy to achieve more of a balanced life. Think happier thoughts to feel happier. 

12). Worry less about what other people think of you. If you’re essentially good and kind and can rest your head on the pillow at night knowing this fact, that’s all that matters. What people think of you otherwise is their problem, not yours. (Axe murderers reading this, I’m not sure you’d be resting your ‘good’ head but then I can’t imagine this blog is your kind of reading material anyway!!!!)

13). Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with every bit of your soul.

14). Make time for you. Have some alone time, be with your own thoughts. Do what you choose to do, once a day at least. It’s essential. Self care is a must.

15). Sometimes….just stop! Stop in the rat race of life and listen to the birds, feel the rain on your face, hear the sound of running water, stop and appreciate life and all its wonders. Because there are many. Sometimes they are just hidden. 

16). Don’t remain in a scenario that makes you miserable. A job, a dispute….be brave and walk away. Life’s too short to be unhappy in a situation. You do have the power to change it. Have the guts to do something about it. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being anything but content and happy.

17). Love yourself. And I’m not talking in a conceited ‘I love myself and everyone else loves me’ kind of way but in a healthy self respect kind of way. Be brave enough to look in the mirror and love and respect who you see looking back at you. The reflection will then love and respect you back. You are worth it.

18). Make people feel important and special. Imagine an invisible sign around everyone’s neck saying just that, ‘make me feel important’. Elevate others. 

19). Be kind….always. You never know what someone is going through in their own life. 

20). Smile! One of my favourite mottos….‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. Smile at strangers. It may be that they needed to see your smile that day. And they’ll pass it on. And so on and so on. 

Life is an echo, a boomerang…what you give out is what you will get back.

21). Accept the shit bits in your past. “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow” (credit: a lyric from a Taylor Swift song). Accept it for what it is, accept what’s happened and move forward, evolving as a person. Live life in the present without worrying about the past or the future. 

22). Realise the power you have to create the life you want. When you realise that you created some of the crap you may be currently experiencing, you understand you have the choice to let it go. You created anger…let the rage go. You created the resentment so you can let it go. You created hatred….release it. You created [fill in the blank]….all you have to do is let it go.


23). Be you. And as long as you are respecting and being kind to others, be ok with being you. It’s ok to be you, everybody else is already taken anyway. The world needs you, know your worth.

24). Don’t let anyone control your thoughts and your life. Have your own say…..always with tact and diplomacy. Be your own person.

So, anyway, there you have it….one cancer survivor’s life advice top tips. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind. 

Living my life over the last few months has been turbulent but I’ve paid attention to how I’ve lived it; the above points I guess I already knew but have been reaffirmed to me and what I have found to be true. 

The thing about life is that it is fragile and unpredictable. It is also precious and each day is a gift.

Appreciate life every day, laugh often. And smile. Be the reason someone smiles today. It really is that simple. Do what makes your heart feel happy.

Life is what you make it. Make it a good’un. You only get one shot at it. 

#belikeabbie

#choosehappy

Categories
Talking About Reconstruction Uncategorized

The First Time I Saw You – A Memoir to my New Boob!

The first time I looked at you in the mirror, I stopped….stood still and gasped….you gave me quite a shock. This might sound like a contradiction in terms but you looked good, you did look amazing, (it really is phenomenal what can be done with plastic surgery these days) and I’m pleased you’re here rather than not here, for the reason that you’ve replaced cancer, but you look poorly, scarred, battered and bruised, swollen and dimply. This was the morning after you were created so it’s bound to take you some time to get comfortable in your new position, get used to your new place of residence. It will take a while for you to settle in, drop into place, to look like you fit, like you belong. I know you have taken the place of cancer but I still keep asking: “What are you doing here? Why did you have to show up? Who invited you? I didn’t ask for you to be part of me.”

I didn’t have freedom of choice when it came to you. It really is an odd feeling, and I can see it’s going to take some time for me to fully accept you being here. You’ve just suddenly appeared with not too much prior warning. I’ve not been given an awful lot of time to prepare for your arrival. And now that you’re here, I ask myself, would I ever have been prepared enough? How can you prepare for something like this until it’s actually happening and you’re experiencing the emotions that come with it? 

Your counterpart before you looked more natural than you, looked different to you, felt different to you. I don’t mean to cause offence but she had more warmth, looked like she belonged. You feel numb, you feel cold, don’t have much heart and soul. 

So, today, I shed a tear, a river of tears. Head in hands….I just sobbed. Sometimes I see you and feel alright about your presence, other times I see you and don’t want to see what’s staring me in the face, I can’t look at you without feeling choked up. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I scream!

There’s a discrepancy in my thoughts because I can’t get used to you being here yet, but I still feel a sense of wanting you to be ok and well and look less battered and bruised. In one breath I’m glad your predecessor has gone because of the first cancer cell she let in through the door, followed by its many mates that decided to join the sodding ‘cancer party’, uninvited. Why, I ask myself, do I feel that way about the old resident when she didn’t keep away those cells that tried to kill me? Why do I feel the way I do, feel such loyalty to her when she made an attempt to shorten my lovely life, tried to steal a young child’s mother, tried to take an older mother’s child, attempted to take over and control me. Why do I want my old boob back when she tried to control my life, my very existence?

And then in the next breath, I do want her back. You are not the same as her, not what I’ve been used to all these years. I mourn for the boob that once was. Am I grieving for the one I have lost? Maybe. I miss my old boob. I miss the symmetry. I miss the twin, the other half of a good pair.

Then I tell myself that change should be welcomed. I find myself saying that sometimes change is good, hard to get your head around at first, but good. It’s true to say, we soon learn to adapt, we learn to give appreciation. Out with the old, in with the new, which can sometimes be quite refreshing, right? And as a newbie on my body, in new territory, you will learn to fit in, you will get comfortable with your new surroundings. How long, though, will it take for ME to get used to you being around, to learn to adapt? I realise I have some acceptance work to do. And this is quite normal isn’t it? 

I need to keep reminding myself why you’ve come, why you’re here to stay. Why you’ve been sent as a replacement. And the answer is clear in my mind. You’re here as a reminder that I AM ALIVE!

Leading up to this pivotal point, I can’t help feeling like I had lost my power, given it away, lost control of my existence. I must take back that power, I must own my thoughts which will make everything ok. And I do have the power to choose how I see things. We all do. How we live, how we think, how we feel, how we respond to outside influences, how we react to the happenings in our lives. So, I tell myself this….I AM powerful. I have the power to choose to embrace change. And in the best way I know how. So why the resistance? Because I am human and I need time to adjust to the changes that have been presented to me. I am allowed to resist. That’s totally alright too. But with my powerful mind, I just have to choose to look forward with joy and peace in my heart.

So, the simple fact of the matter is that I need to learn to love you because you have replaced bad with good. You’re a good egg! Yes, it’s evident, you are different. But you are not less. And different is ok. I will learn to embrace you because behind the scars and the bruising, it’s where cancer once lived and no longer does. Cancer is now gone! You, my new boob, may not be the original, but you’re ‘shiny and new’. I loved my shiny, new car when it arrived (although that didn’t come out of the showroom battered and dented) so it just may not be a love at first sight feeling with you. But it will come, I will feel the same way about you. Cancer didn’t get a chance to take my body and I will see you as a boob of honour for my courage, my bravery, a sign that I have overcome a fight, a battle…a battle that I have well and truly won! 

So, the choice I now need to make is this….do I see you as an unfamiliar mound or do I see you as confirmation that I am strong, I am bold, I am awesome…..and I survived! 

Cancer came along to teach me things, teach me strength, teach me a new found overcoming attitude I never thought I possessed. I’ve overcome adversity in life before but never like this. Nothing as challenging as this. Now cancer has gone and you have taken the place of the disease, I will choose to give thanks to you for being here.

So, I WILL get through this initial phase of not seeing you as being a part of me. I will adjust to my new body shape, but I think I need to take little steps of acceptance, one process at a time. And when I have taken those little incremental steps, I will see you as a survival boob. You saved my life, and your being here will tell a story of my courage.

This is where I remind myself of the conversation I had with your predecessor before she had to be taken away:

Me: “Dodgy Boob, I’m unhappy with you, you’ve made me sad and caused me a lot of grief these last few months. 

Dodgy Boob: “I’m so sorry Abbie. I didn’t mean to.”

Me: “I didn’t ask you to give me this hassle, this pain. I used to like you, you were alright in my book before all of this. But you’ve betrayed me so now ya gotta go!”

Dodgy Boob: “I didn’t mean to let in that first unwanted nasty cancer cell. It just turned up uninvited and I didn’t have the strength to send it away. It was so persistent and insistent on staying. And then it kept bringing along its mates. There were so many of them and they totally overwhelmed me. Will you ever forgive me?”

Me: “Well….before you go, I think I can find it in my heart to forgive you. I guess it’ll be essential for me to move on. You still need to go though so I can concentrate on healing fully. But I suppose I will miss you. You have been good to me.”

Dodgy Boob: “Thank you. And again, I’m so sorry. Oh…and tell my replacement that it needs to look after you well.”

So….new boob, will you do that? Will you carry out what your predecessor has asked of you?

I am still here, living on this Earth. And if this battered, new mound I stare at in the mirror is to be part of my new life, I will learn to love you. Because you will heal, you will look like you belong. It may take a little time to adjust, it will certainly take strength of mind on my part. But I choose to view you through loving eyes.

In order to live a blissful and joyful life, that means loving everything about life including the ups and the downs, and includes loving everything about the person I am, the inside of me AND the outside of me. Because behind the bruises and the scars, my heart is beating, and my heart is still, if not even more so, full of love and gratitude. I am grateful for being a living being! And I will continue to affirm to myself….I am mentally strong! I am a whole woman and I am accepted just as I am, especially by the person in the mirror. 

Love yourself first, my friends, then you can be sure that life will love you right back. 

#belikeabbie

Categories
Uncategorized

Cancer……I Win!

It’s time for a ‘CELEBRATION!’ 🍾 And ‘ABBIE’ is going to celebrate hard and in style and here’s why! (You know how much I LOVE an acronym). 😄 

Ok, so one of the ABBIE acronyms doesn’t quite work, but hell….who cares?!
The ‘not so big C’ has left the building, been evicted !!! I WIN! Cancer, you lose! Well…..let’s face it. The b****** cells didn’t stand a chance did they? 💪🙌

So, my latest MRI results……From a 10cm grapefruit in my ‘Brad Pitt’ and in many, many lymph nodes, to a pea! Not even that. “A ghosting of cancerous cells is left” my surgeon says.

YIPPEE!!!!!!! 

Do you believe in the power of the subconscious mind…? The power of words? In the power of what we say and how we speak to ourselves affects our lives? Can have a positive effect on our physiology? Do you believe in what we think about, we bring about? That we can shape our lives JUST by what we think, believe, see and FEEL in our minds and hearts? I DO!! 

Well….thinking about what my parents would always say to us growing up ‘if you don’t ask, you don’t get’

It works my friends! I asked, or rather, I told myself these very words and that’s precisely what happened. 

Yes, the chemotherapy treatment has worked very well over the last four months and the tumour responded amazingly; I also strongly believe my optimistic frame of mind had a part to play in this fantastic result (over 10cm sized tumour to practically nothing!)

Thank you very much for paying me a short visit little, insignificant C….DON’T COME BACK please, you’re not welcome! You’ve done your job. You may have taken away my hair, my hope (only for a short period), but you didn’t take my life, you helped me lose weight, you saved me money from not going out, you gave me a reason to start writing a blog, you helped me raise money for the charity, Cancer Hair Care, you gave me life perspective, you gave me a reason to be bold, strong, INVINCIBLE! 

Cancer put that in your pipe and smoke it….MATE! Well, you’re not my mate really but I do thank you for teaching me life-long lessons. 

I’m sorry though (well I’m not really sorry)…..It’s time to say Goodbye, Adios, Au revoir, Ta-ra (certainly not TTFN!), Sayonara, Arrivederci, Ciao, off you trot, or shall I say off ya f***! (Sorry Mum and Dad for all the swearing but I’M ECSTATIC so please allow me to shout from the rooftops with a few expletives!)

So, I am revelling in the fact that I am walking around pretty much CANCER FREE now!

And thank YOU my supporters, my champions for believing in me and backing me. 

So, my surgeon, ‘Angel Zoe’….I call her Angel Zoe as she seems to have floated down into my life, into my existence, with her angelic presence, the sparkly, white, HUGE, angel wings and perfectly round halo that sits above her head….has taken the stress away from me regarding the surgery that I still need (why? You may wonder because if there’s almost no cancer cells left then why is a mastectomy needed rather than a lumpectomy. I’ll explain why later on). Angel Zoe has given me hope. Did she come from nowhere? Hmmmm…..I actually think not. Zoe came into my life with a solution to my problem because I sought additional answers. And because of where I stand with my current strong mindset, I believe that people and situations come into your life and solve issues, sort everything out, show you life can be straightforward, can be what you wish for. Life can be simple, never easy, but simple, if you give it the respect of trusting it and trusting its process. 

And check this out…..on researching ‘Angel Zoe’, before letting her loose with a scalpel on my right boob, I googled her, (as you do) and LOOK! Look what I found……

“Zoe Barber (that’s my surgeon) travelled to Los Angeles to visit Project AngelFood for 6 weeks. Project AngelFood is a non-profit organisation that prepares, cooks and delivers meals to those battling critical illness. Their aim is to provide comfort and nutrition at a time of significant financial, physical and emotional need.  

Since its inception in 1989, Project AngelFood has delivered almost 9 million meals to over 15,000 people, a testament to the Agency’s ability to implement and sustain a successful home-delivered food and nutrition program over the last 25 years.

Project AngelFood was founded in 1989 by Marianne Williamson. 

Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson and David Kessler held the first fundraiser, bringing in $11,000.”

WOW!!!!! I gave her the title ‘Angel Zoe’ before even knowing any of this. She really IS an Angel. Let’s hope she does a good job on my ‘Lady Lump’! I don’t want to have to retract her title! 

So, yes, my cancer free news is wonderfully bitter sweet as I still need the mastectomy and this is booked for Wednesday 12th May. A 3.5-hour operation, one ‘nork’ taken off and replaced with an imposter. Ok….so, not really an imposter but not real if you get my drift. But at least it’ll make me feel more symmetrical and less lopsided. AND most importantly no cancer will be residing in my body anymore. I still need the mastectomy as it all needs to go under a microscope to get checked out. (And by all, I mean my boobie and its lymph node neighbours). Also, if I want to be surer that the cancer doesn’t return. No thank you very much. So bring it on Angel Zoe. Do your thing. Take away rogue titty, be gone with it and those nasty, horrible cells that once were. 

Once I’ve recovered from this surgery, when I’ve slept upright for a few weeks (and this shouldn’t be a problem for me, dear readers. Do you recall me saying in a previous blog that I once fell asleep standing upright on a train holding onto one of those things you grab hold of that hang down from the train ceiling? I’m sure they have a name. Anyone know?). So, after I’m all better and all healed, new boob in situ, it’ll be a course of radiotherapy which I’m assured, by many who have gone through it, is a breeze compared to chemotherapy. Hit me with it! 

So, going back to the image of me saying my daily affirmation in the mirror, where I would state those words of conviction looking at myself, my intention to stay strong, determined to feel good through this torrid time, and come out the other side with a non cancerous body…..my wish was my command! Just like the genie in the lamp when Aladdin rubbed it. I rubbed my lamp and what was delivered to me was exactly what I asked for….healthy boob cells and a healed body. 

After the two-week period, post diagnosis, during which I actually thought I could die, I made a choice and that choice was simple….I didn’t want to be a victim to cancer. I took control of how I view the situation. The imagination is invaluable. What you imagine is what becomes your reality. I imagined my future to be bright, my life to be a full one, the possibilities were endless in my mind. And there’s only one explanation for that….CHOICE!

There was little point in being angry about it all and showing bitterness to the situation because “The best fighter is never angry”. My overcoming attitude and my unwavering belief, my optimistic mindset has indeed helped me reach my end goal, which is my healing, but it has also helped me to feel relaxed along the way. And cope well with the crap that kept coming my way.

The last thing I wanted to do was to wallow, I didn’t imagine I would be fun to be around if I was a wallower and I didn’t want people to feel drained if they came to see me. Didn’t want anyone to walk away wishing they’d not bothered to visit because I was so miserable about my situation. 

How do YOU see yourself? Do you recognise whether you are a Drain or a Radiator? By that I mean, do you think people leave your company feeling drained of energy or radiated with love? 

In the same vein, are you a Sapper or a Zapper? Do people feel sapped of energy being around you or zapped to another level of energetic loveliness? What choice will you make?

I’m not saying I am always fun to be around but certainly, during this stage in my life, I didn’t want to be a drain on people, on myself. Because it’s what it says on the tin……it’s draining! Why would I want to drain my own energy thinking about the negatives of Cancer? I needed my positive energy to heal, to get through the gruesome chemo treatment. I needed to channel my energy and focus on getting well rather than thinking about using my energy on moaning and complaining about how awful it is that I’d got cancer. 

I needed to be upbeat to cope with the never ending hospital appointments. I needed to smile through the tears that DID come…. a lot. Because I’m human and do often get ‘those down days’.

My skin may have bruised easily but my WILL and fight did not.

My body may have tired but my spirit never did.

My body may have seen limitations but my mind and spirit never did.

My body may have experienced tension, pain, disease but my spirit never did.

In my mind I was already healed. In my mind, I pictured perfect health. 

And now look what I got, folks! A healed body. Do you think you’ve got what it takes to overcome anything? All it takes is CHOICE. Choose to say ‘yes’. It’s that simple. 

#belikeabbie