Author: abbiemummytoasdboy

I am a Mummy to a beautiful boy, with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
He brings sunshine to my life. Challenges sometimes but mainly sunshine.

I love to sing and am the singer in a piano and vocal duo, Serendipity.
(www.facebook.com/groups/serendipityduo
Instagram: @serendipity_covers_duo and @abbiesings_x) and am one of three vocalists in an 11-piece 70’s Soul, Dance and Disco function band called Platform Soul (@platformsoulband)

I am also an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics bringing everyone’s inner beauty to the surface with skin care and makeup workshops.

I live my life with a grateful mind and look for silver linings in any situation.
Every day I find things to be grateful for in life. There is always something......ALWAYS!

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My ‘Big C’ Journey So Far…

WARNING! This blog update contains the controversial and downright incorrect, wrong and rude hashtag #dontbelikeabbie…..but it is VERY IMPORTANT so please, I urge you, if you do nothing else today, read on, on what to do in the scenario #dontbelikeabbie

So, previously I’ve posted about my winning attitude towards beating this cancer. With a whole lot of honesty, a fair bit of swearing thrown in for good measure, a little bit of humour also chucked in the pot (and I hope it’s appreciated, although my 20-year-old niece, who is actually more like my twinnie, and I both think we are the only ones who laugh at each other’s humour, so it could well be falling flat with you lovely readers….c’est la vie).

Anyway, the winning attitude absolutely still stands and will always be at the forefront of my mind. For this blog post, I thought I’d do a practical account so that those of you who are interested, can be kept up to date with what’s going on with my tits! 😉

My diagnosis is that I have grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer, Oestrogen+. 

The prognosis – I was told by a lovely friend who knows about oncology that, if breast cancer comes a-knocking, the one I’ve got is the best one to get. The most aggressive, fastest growing type of tumour meaning if the cancer cells can grow that fast they can shrink fast too with treatment….hoorah!!! First silver lining found when informed of my disease. And you know how I LOVE to look for any positives in a negative situation. This couldn’t be a better scenario. Thank you cancer, you absolute f***ing legend!

This blog post is to inspire others, no….shout loudly at others… to NOT be a martyr, not be selfless, and most definitely take action. Listen to your gut, your intuition.

So, I found a lump in December 2019 whilst ‘copping a feel’ as you do when you reach a certain age and think you should definitely be checking, checking, checking your boobs for abnormal ‘whatever’. Granted, it’s a bit more of a challenge to check anything else in the body for lumps, but your boobs stick out, some further than others, they’re still on the outside of your body, so it’s easy to do….NO EXCUSES! Now, I know the mammary glands are a bit lumpy and bumpy anyway, so you may not know what you’re feeling for but DO IT ANYWAY. If anything feels different, and you probably won’t know what ‘different’ feels like so have a good old route around, and do it often, so you GET to know what ‘different’ feels like. Do it with the tips of your fingers. Many people I’ve spoken to say they felt a lump so it could be very obvious. Keep doing it….please.  And anyway, it may please some onlookers if that’s your husband or partner. Perhaps not whilst out and about or when the in-laws or Great Aunt Mildred is visiting. Mind you, that scenario could possibly go unnoticed if Mildred is not all that clued-up! Definitely don’t be doing it if Mildred has got all her faculties and is in sound mind! 

Men…you need to check too, and you should be checking your more obvious ‘sticky outy’ parts, if you know what I mean? I’ve no doubt you do. 

So, the lump I found in my right boob was in December 2019. In the January, I had all the tests, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsies and was sent away, told not to worry as it was benign/excess fibrous tissue, maybe a culmination of fibrous tissue, cysts etc but essentially nothing to worry about. 

As you know, Covid-19 came in March of that year and Lockdown happened and by July the lump was getting bigger, so I thought something wasn’t right. But because I was told that it was nothing to worry about I didn’t go back to the Dr’s because of coronavirus….silly me! First #dontbelikeabbie

I had no idea cancers can appear and become malignant that quickly. So it took me until October to go back. Second #dontbelikeabbie

By this time, it had got bigger still and the skin was red and angry. Off I trotted to the GP whose response was ‘I’m not surprised you’re concerned, it’s more than doubled in size and is now 10 cm big! Holy crap was my initial thought. 10 cm or 4 inches is the size of a grapefruit. F************ck!!!!!

I won’t bore you with all the hospital visit details, but the tests then showed a malignant tumour. Because of Covid-19 I was by myself when I found out the ‘happy’ news. That’s just a bit sh** isn’t it, don’t you think? 

#dontbelikeabbie in this scenario….LISTEN to yourself and don’t be selfless when it comes to your health. Don’t assume everything is ok if there is any shred of doubt in your mind. 

You may be wondering whether I was pi**** off about being told to go away and not worry as my lump, I was told, was already 3 cm big. I have since asked this question and my January 2020 test results file have been pulled up and double checked and it was, indeed, just excess fibrous tissue and benign so I’ve had to let it go in my mind.  

It’s in my lymph nodes too but luckily a CT scan showed nowhere else in the body. I found out about the cancer on 3rd December and started chemotherapy treatment straight away before Christmas as it was a 10 cm mass!!! Important to get going I reckon. 

I’m told a mastectomy will be needed after the chemo, then radiotherapy then a breast reconstruction. So, I have a pretty long road ahead, but I’m positive and upbeat. It’s all just a process as in my mind I am already healed. 🙏🏻

So, I mentioned in my previous blog post, I’m undergoing a course of six chemo treatments, three of one type of drug followed by three of a different stronger drug. 
I coped remarkably well with the first lot of chemo drugs (some expected side effects) On that drug, I’ve still been able to walk 4-5 miles, 3-4 times a week and done every single school run.  I started the stronger drugs a couple of days ago and unfortunately had a reaction. The nurses were on it quickly. They stopped the intravenous drip, pumped a Piriton and antihistamine drip into me and a senior staff member came up to the ward to check me out. I had the necessary observations and they started the drip again but at a slower rate. All the while I was being watched like a hawk!

When the adverse reaction occurred I felt like I couldn’t take a breath properly, I had a tight chest, my head felt hot and like it would explode, then I got excruciating back pain in my lower back. All normal reactions apparently if one does react. They had oxygen nearby but I didn’t need it. I was being well looked after. I have to admit it was a bit scary! 😳 and my life flashed before me, although I remained calm and knew the nurses would have my back. I got home, got my ‘slobs/loungewear’ on and just chilled.

I still managed a smile though. Those who know me….always smiling 😊


So, this image below is par for the course every three weeks!!! 🙏🏻 more drugs/needles = less cancer. 💪🏻 

And this is my companion every 3 weeks, as cumbersome as it is! I have to wheel her to the toilet whenever I go! I’ve called her Dorothy Drip Stand. 🤣 All of this ain’t so bad when you have the right attitude and add a bit of humour into the sh*t situation.


So, that’s the latest in my world. And I am practising my victory dance for the ‘f**k you cancer, YOU LOST’ celebration. 🥳🥳🥳 

#belikeabbie



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Chemo drug FEC-T – a ‘fecking’ breeze…..

So far ….

For those of you who know anything about chemotherapy drugs, I am undergoing a course of treatment which consists of six rounds of what’s known as FEC-T. Three rounds of the FEC part followed by three rounds of the T part.
I’ve already undergone the three rounds of the combination of FEC drugs. F – Fluorouracil, E – Epirubicin (the one that’s red in colour, makes your urine red (!!!) and is the drug which causes the hair loss. Crikey….if I hadn’t have been warned about the red coloured wee that would’ve scared the hell out of me thinking I was pee’ing blood as a friend of mine did when it happened to her!) and C – Cyclophosphamide. I began this course of the ‘FEC’ drugs on Friday 18th December (I’m not sure I’ll ever forget that date and Merry bloody Christmas to me!) And I am due to start three rounds of the ‘T’ drug, which is called Docetaxel, on Friday 19th February.


I have the chemo treatment once every three weeks, six times over. The first week after chemo my immune system is ‘on the floor’, the second week, slightly better, I’m told, and by the third week, I was informed that my immune system should be pretty much back up to its normal state. To then have to repeat the process all over again for another round of the chemo. This should take me to the beginning of April when I can ring the ‘end of chemo’ bell! 
Some people, on the breast cancer support forums I’m part of, have said about the FEC part of the treatment ‘thank goodness it’s over, it’s been awful!’. That’s not been my experience. Granted I’ve yet to step over the threshold into the ‘Docetaxel party zone’ and having read up on the side effects of this drug, I can’t say I’m looking forward to walking through the doors to that party but hey….in my mind and as I say to myself often ….”I DEFY THE ODDS and FEEL AMAZING!!”


Anyway, back to the point. In the main, on the FEC drugs, I’ve felt fantastic. Ok, so I haven’t felt too bright on the day of the chemo itself but, let’s face it, that’s to be expected. I tend to have my chemo at 9am in the morning and have been tired and nauseous that evening and the next day I’ve felt pretty lethargic. Except after chemo#2 actually when I was violently sick 7 times that evening and through the night, into the morning. And I’ve had other usual side effects – mouth sores, achy limbs, tingling in my hands and feet (called peripheral nerve damage). I’ve sometimes had trouble thinking clearly and concentrating. Apparently this is an actual ‘thing’ and often called “chemo brain.” I’ve also experienced what’s known as phlebitis. This is where the intravenous needle can cause the vein to become inflamed, the area around the insertion site or along the vein can become red, warm, tender or painful and swollen. Lifting things can sometimes be a struggle and on chemo#3 I asked the nurse if she’d switch arms into where the needle was usually inserted to give my left hand and arm a break.


I’ve coped with all of these side effects pretty well, I’d say, and in between times I can honestly say I’ve felt positively spritely. Probably annoyingly so! I’ve mostly been chirpy, full of vitality, full of energy, adopted a determined attitude. I’ve done the school run every day, twice a day, I’ve been walking 4-5 miles, 4-5 times a week. In addition, I feel my skin is glowing, my weight has remained the same even though I’ve been given steroids, my nails feel so strong. My hair is…..oh hold on….gone!! So I can’t say that the quality of my hair is silky, smooth, shiny, luscious!!! Minor problem in the grand scheme of things….. Like I said before, less hair = less cancer! Hoorah! 


So, lovely readers, do you want to know why, in my opinion, I’ve never felt better when essentially there is poison floating around my body and through my veins? Here’s why…….the simple fact is, my ATTITUDE! My attitude is in the right place. My focus is on abundance not lack, love not hate, wellness rather than illness. In my mind I am already healed.


BELIEF ITSELF SHIFTS BIOLOGY!


Talking about BELIEF. I do love an acronym so, in my mind, I see belief as:


B – Bring

E – Eternal

L – Love

I – Inner-peace

E – Eases

F – Fear


The reality you experience in life is how you see a situation, how you cope with that situation, how you see your life going, what you see in others, what you see in yourself in the mirror. So, how I see myself is who I am. If I see ‘a Cancer patient who is struggling’ that’s exactly what will reflect back at me. Instead, I see someone who is coping really rather well and that’s precisely what is happening, exactly what I am experiencing. Think of it like an echo….what you shout out in a tunnel is what you hear coming back at you. Or a boomerang, when you throw a boomerang, it eventually returns to you. LIFE is like an echo. Your experience in life is that boomerang. What you send out comes back. 


I have never wanted to ‘look’ like a cancer patient so all the above was, quite frankly, all part of my plan. Apart from the bald head which is probably a give away for having cancer but hey, Sinead O’Connor chose that look. If it’s good enough for Sinead it’s good enough for me. 


#belikeabbie
 

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Forgiving the Unforgivable

So, in my last blog I spoke about turning adversity on its head and thanking cancer for deciding to show up in my body. It’s given me a whole new perspective on life. A whole new positive and meaningful perspective that I never thought I would feel…being grateful to the disease for choosing me! I am blessed. 

And as I heard quoted recently, ‘Life is like a staircase; sometimes you have to go up, and sometimes you have to go down’. I am currently ‘riding the wave’ on the downward staircase with grace, panache and an unwavering determination to change direction towards the upward climb. 

Hell…..so let’s not stop there….let’s go back years on what was a downward climb on that staircase of life.

Thank you to my domestic abuser!

‘Holding onto resentment/anger is like holding onto a hot piece of coal with the intention of throwing it….you’re the one getting burned’. One of my most favourite quotes.

So, I would now like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the man who physically and mentally abused me in my early 20s. How liberating is THAT?! To be thankful to someone who physically hurt another human being. That person went some way to making me become the woman I am today….the fighter, the person that will absolutely not lie down and let cancer beat her! It doesn’t make it right what I had to endure, but he gave me the ‘balls’ to not accept certain situations and to fight with a spirit I never thought possible. 

In the words of Jamelia’s 2003 song, ‘Thank You’:

'For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you'

People who are happy have learned to let go into their own heart…….Forgiveness.

Similarly, holding onto guilt is that same piece of burning, hot coal in my hand, and it’s been there for 20 years. I emotionally hurt someone in my mid 20s, post abusive relationship. (I wasn’t in a good place mentally, I now realise, as I hadn’t acknowledged and, in my mind, healed from the extent of the domestic abuse endured.) So I ended up hurting a truly decent man, one of the kindest men you’ll ever wish to meet. And I’ve carried around that guilt for 20 years. That doesn’t serve me either, to carry that heavy weight on my shoulders so contracting this disease has helped me release it. Life’s too short. 

So, for this…..I forgive myself. And that’s liberating too.

The only place the past exists is in my mind. It is no longer happening to me. I chose to keep these two polar opposite thoughts and feelings in my mind. But no more! WOW…..that feels good. 

You see, I believe our minds are causing all our suffering. If we can shift our minds then we will shift our life and what happens in our lifetime.

How low you’ve gone is how high you rise. OH MY WORD….in which case I am SO looking forward to rising. Thank you, thank you, thank you for what’s happened to me in my life and what is currently happening to me. It has all been, and will be, one of the greatest blessings in life. 

#belikeabbie

#inmymindimalreadyhealed

#futurecancersurvivor

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Thank Goodness For Cancer

TGFC – Thank Goodness For Cancer. 

It’s a strange feeling to be happy about something so grave and serious but, in the same breath, feels totally euphoric.

Many people have said they are in awe of my upbeat attitude towards the fact that I’ve got nasty, unwanted cancerous cells residing in my body, in my right boob to be precise!  For me, there was no huge decision made in my mind to be this way. No working hard to have this attitude of pure will and fight. It just happened. I’m not special or unique. I’m just me, Abbie, a simple human being who believes that the right mindset is EVERYTHING. Full stop! Everyone can adopt this mindset when it comes to challenges in life, whatever they may be. It comes back to perspective again, as explained in my first blog. There’s nothing that can take you down without your permission. 

The truth is I’ve never felt better! My skin has never looked and felt better (although slightly dry from the chemotherapy drugs, so I’m using moisture renewing face creams). My eyes haven’t sparkled so much in ages, my smile is still there when I look in the mirror at my currently bald head. Less hair = less cancer, right? My features are more defined without hair. In actual fact, my eyes look larger and my cheekbones are stronger. 

So there is every reason to be happy. Thank you, Cancer!

The fact is nothing has changed to my physical body since being diagnosed with breast cancer, apart from the hair loss obviously, and nothing has changed to my face. What HAS changed is my attitude. 

When the chips are down I believe one comes into their own. Well, that may not be the case with everyone; it certainly is with me. I’m not broken, my body is not broken. In my mind, I am already healed. Time to be bold and say….

#belikeabbie

So let’s turn things around, shall we? Turn this particular ugly scenario on its head. Let’s look at the facts here….find those silver linings of being diagnosed with cancer. There’s a loooong list:

  • I’ve lost some weight through the initial stress and worry…hurrah! I was stuck in a rut and finding it hard to lose my ‘baby weight’. My son is now 5 years old! And I am now 5 lbs lighter than when I fell pregnant with him. I’ve lost a stone in 5 months….result!
  • I’m changing my attitude towards my diet. Green leafy vegetables, berries, more ‘as it grows’ foods now on my plate.
  • I am drinking much more water than I used to. (although visiting the toilet more at night!!!)
  • I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I just don’t feel it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd red wine or gin and ginger ale (my tipples) but all in moderation and in the main, I’m staying off the booze.
  • The beautiful cards and gifts I have received from well-wishers. I have been inundated with so many beautiful cards, flowers and gifts, some handmade. People are so thoughtful.
  • I’m getting used to receiving, which is strangely difficult for me. I’m more comfortable giving to others.
  • I have created this new blog which I am finding so cathartic to write, and I truly hope inspires others.
  • It’s an aggressive grade 3 type of tumour, so those types tend to shrink quicker with treatment, so I’m told. Hurrah!
  • I’m walking more. Not much else to do in Lockdown anyway is there?! So, I’m keeping really active if my body allows.
  • I don’t have to shave my armpits or my legs!! Another job I now don’t need to think about. Hair loss hasn’t just gone from my head!
  • I have no hair, a bald head, so my eyes seem much bigger. I have always wished I had bigger eyes.
  • With no hair, there’s no need for haircuts and hair dyeing, so I’m saving money.
  • No expensive hair products being used.
  • No styling of hair. This would usually take 20 minutes each time if I was to properly blow dry and style it as I had HUGE hair if left to dry naturally.
  • When I did still have hair, it was the kind of hair that went CRAZY in any moisture in the air… ‘IT’s THE HUMIDITY!!’ as quoted by Monica in Friends. I lived my life around a blow dry! I was advised not to use heat on my hair to try and save it, so I learned how to leave it to dry naturally and still have it looking in a reasonable state.
  • Getting ready in the mornings is so much quicker…..bonus!
  • With no hair I can notice my jawline and defined cheekbones a lot more.
  • I’ve brushed up on my makeup skills.
  • My little boy is showing his adorably empathetic side… “I’ll look after you Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. Your Boobie is all better now.” Kids make it all so simple and it is quite simple really….take the ‘complicated’ out of one’s life. Live life with childlike worries in that they have none! We complicate it, we make our own lives stressful. He’s taught me that and so much more.
  • The cancer and my health has encouraged me to get into meditations run by my sister, which has given me a renewed sense of calm.
  • My amazing support network has come forward and been totally phenomenal.
  • I have noticed more kindness in people.
  • My mindset has become more focused with my attitude and my strength of mind.
  • I’ve raised a good amount of money for a worthy cause through my ‘brave the shave’ video.
  • I’m saving money as I’m not going out to shops (not that shops are open anyway during Lockdown!)
  • Covid-19 is sticking around, so I don’t have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). None of my friends can go out and socialise as the pubs/restaurants are closed so if there’s a good time to get a critical illness, NOW is the perfect time, no FOMO here!
  • I’ve decided that it’s time to really take care of my body more.

So, you see, I have a lot to be grateful for with this Cancer…..Thank you, Cancer!

Being in this mindset is simply a choice. Once in this mindset it doesn’t mean I’m always in a blissful state, but I know what it FEELS like to be there, so I CHOOSE to go back there when I veer off course. 

Darkness has found its way into my body in the form of cancerous cells, but darkness can’t reside where light is present. I give light to my body. In my mind, the cancer cells are black, and I have little piranhas, in the form of a white light, eating away at them. Be gone with you!

I am one of the world’s greatest gifts as a human being, just as I am, and SO ARE YOU!!!! All readers….SO ARE YOU! YOU are the world’s greatest gift….just as you are. 

So controversially, some might say, I feel so happy to have cancer! It has given me a new lease of life. A happy, calm and peaceful, yet focused mind, to navigate my way through life and the challenges it decides to throw at me. 

#belikeabbie

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To Shave or Not to Shave…? That is the question

Have you ever in your life had to ask yourself that question? Your answer may be….YES, if your leg hair is at an unacceptable length, and you really feel it’s time to get rid of the evidence that it’s starting to make you look like Teen Wolf! Only ever happens during the winter months though, right? 

Or if your armpit hair is protruding just that millimetre too much? 

Or your hair ‘down there’ happens to be visible on the other side of your knicker line! (I have to say I’ve never let that happen myself, never had that ‘situation’!) 

But I’ve never had to ask the shaving question about the hairs on my head? Have you?

As I type this, I sit here having had two chemotherapy treatments for grade 3 breast cancer.

“So, your results show that there is a sign of cancer in your right breast” I was told on the 3rd December 2020. “It’s quite an aggressive type, so we’d like you to start chemotherapy very soon….before Christmas”. (Bang goes my family Christmas bubble we were allowed for one day!) How in the hell do you compute that information when actually you were told a few months prior that the mass you felt in your boob was just excess fibrous tissue??!! I was in total shock hearing the news! I did not expect to hear those words muttered. And I was on my own due to Covid rulings of attending hospital by oneself. And also because I was in denial, I guess, and thought it would be just fine. How wrong was I?

The oncology specialist spoke the words very clearly and concisely and in a matter of fact manner (I’m not blaming her one bit); I still thought I was hearing things. I was silent for a few minutes trying to take it all in then the reality hit me…..and the tears came in floods. And even more so when I was handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ brochure to take away. 

So, I started treatment on 18th December. It’s a big lump I’m told….10cm…sh*t….that IS big!! 

Not only that but, as I mentioned in my first blog, I’m told I may probably need a mastectomy after the chemo as it’s spread to the lymph nodes, then radiotherapy and then reconstruction of my one breast. The ‘good’ boob crying out….’why not get me done too, so we can look symmetrical?!’ Not a question I’m wanting or willing to answer yet, thank you very much. 

It was a whirlwind of a few weeks just prior to what is usually my most favourite time of year, being a 44-year-old kid at heart! Suddenly, I couldn’t think about anything else but this lump in my boob and asking myself ‘How the hell did you come about? Who gave you permission to reside in MY body? How dare you take away my excitement for Christmas with my 5-year-old special little boy, who, for the first year is really starting to ‘get’ Christmas and understand what it’s all about?’

But do you know what, everyone, I’m going to kick cancer’s ass, I can promise you all that!!!!

I’ve been using the scalp cooling cap they suggest trying, to give my hair a 50% chance of staying put, but it was really thinning, coming out in droves in my hand every time I ran my hands through it.

“I’m so sorry, hair, I will never be frustrated with you again. When you grow back, I will never shout at you when you don’t style the right way, I’ll never complain that you’re too curly to handle and too wayward to tame. I’m sorry. Please come back!”

Yes, it’s all a bit cr*p, this situation I find myself in, but I’m bloody determined to beat this and am keeping a very positive mindset and a brave, fighting spirit.

So, back to the point…..the decision to ‘brave the shave’ had been made, and I could literally cry at the thought. Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror with no hair? [Cue…polishing up my makeup application.] But my head was starting to itch badly, and I had pins and needles going on in that area. I felt it was time. 

My beautiful, awesome and brave friend, Kelly, who I’ve known since we were 12 years old, offered to shave her head also, and ‘hold my hand’ throughout the whole process. ‘I can’t let you do that’ I told her. She was insistent. I kept saying to Kelly that she didn’t have to shave her perfectly good, well-behaving head of hair but somehow I felt I was taking away her will and her want to help me through this painful time. 

My special, truly wonderful and supportive lifelong friend, I will always remember what you’re doing for me….ALWAYS.

COVID-19 was stopping us from doing this in person but there we ‘stood together’ using the wonder of technology, metaphorically holding hands, to carry out the deed. 

And then it was done! Oh, my word, how liberating. Emotional, scary and liberating all rolled into one big, fat emotion. And now I wish I’d done it sooner. 

And I can look at myself in the mirror. It took me a few days to be comfortable with it, but I can do it now. Because, ultimately, I may have no hair on my head, but my heart hasn’t changed and my soul is the same. Having no hair doesn’t define me as a person, as a woman….I’m still me, a good, kind person, with or without hair. And that will never change!