Kicking Cancer’s Butt - It’s all about perspective...
Author:abbiemummytoasdboy
I am a Mummy to a beautiful boy, with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
He brings sunshine to my life. Challenges sometimes but mainly sunshine.
I love to sing and am the singer in a piano and vocal duo, Serendipity.
(www.facebook.com/groups/serendipityduo
Instagram: @serendipity_covers_duo and @abbiesings_x) and am one of three vocalists in an 11-piece 70’s Soul, Dance and Disco function band called Platform Soul (@platformsoulband)
I am also an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics bringing everyone’s inner beauty to the surface with skin care and makeup workshops.
I live my life with a grateful mind and look for silver linings in any situation.
Every day I find things to be grateful for in life. There is always something......ALWAYS!
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I am 11 days post surgery now. Generally, I’m doing ok. Although it certainly is an up and down rollercoaster!
I can’t cough! Or blow my nose properly! And I really hope I don’t need to sneeze. [Look up at the ceiling light, just look up at the light!] Heaven forbid I drop something on the floor (which I’ve done many times) there’s no chance of picking that bugger up! At one point our floor was littered (a slight exaggeration 😉) with stuff I’d dropped, couldn’t bend down to pick up and had to ask one of my ‘helpers’ to go round and pick up after me. Thank goodness I’m surrounded by such amazing, understanding, loved ones. I’m so very grateful!
And funny, humorous people…..well, keep those folk away from me. Just until I’m able to show my full appreciation, roar with laughter without my sides splitting…..literally. Actually, I’m pulling your leg there! As a side note at this point, peeps…..’I’m pulling your leg’, pray tell me, where did that phrase come from? It makes no sense. We say it, don’t we? when we tell people we are teasing them. Odd! All idioms can be kinda weird don’t ya think? I’d love to know who thought them up. 🤔 Imagine if I wrote this whole blog made up of idioms! 😝
Actually, I didn’t really mean what I said before. Please don’t keep those humorous people away from me. They’re keeping my spirits up, keeping me smiling. It’s a tonic. It’s what I need. Laughter is the best medicine, they say. I do believe that. So, I’ll just hug my bandaged up belly whilst cracking up but, hey, I’d rather that than NOT be surrounded by those delightful, sunny folk.
Anyway, what a tangent I’ve just gone on!! 🙄😂
I digress, back to the start of this blog…… It hurts to cough and all what I’ve already said but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t go back on the decision to have this latest surgery. For those who are due to have it done or have friends who are having it done, do it, do it, do it! It’ll all be worth it.
Personally, I needed the fake boob implant out of my body after it had ‘told’ me in no uncertain terms that it could not stay, it had to go! It wasn’t working out well in the position it was in. Like an employee telling their employer “I’m sorry, boss, it’s just not working for me at this company. I’m not fulfilling my full potential in this role. I need a change of direction”. Or a relationship whereby one party says to the other “I want out! It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not happy. I need to leave. It may be a painful process but you’ll be better off without me, I promise”.
And so the procedure was done! With my tummy usually being the less fatty part of my body (shame they couldn’t take my ASS and THIGH fat!!!! 😂) I’d purposely built up tummy fat so it could be used to build me a ‘noob’ (new boob). And….wahey!!! My surgeon said there was just enough fat to use. (Shoving all that chocolate in my mouth was clearly a necessity!)
I was under constant surveillance in hospital, as was my ‘noob’, my new prized possession, to ensure it was keeping a temperature of at least 36 degrees C. And they also used an ultrasound device (a doppler) to make sure that the blood flow was good, the pulse in my ‘noob’ was beating regularly and healthily. Because when they built it, they also had to cut and reattach blood vessels so it’s important that the blood was flowing for it to have worked, therefore, survive and stay alive going forward.
I was unable to move my torso at first so was in one position on the bed hence ‘Cathy the catheter’ being required.
I can’t see anything of my tummy yet and its scars as it’s covered in thick bandages however it looks nice and flat now! 😁 #tummytuckachieved
I’m still walking around rather gingerly, unable to walk too far, or stand up straight up properly for that matter but things are improving every day, for sure. And I’m grateful for that. One day at a time, Abbie, one day at a time.
Looking forward to swinging from chandeliers again very soon! 😜
It’s GOING HOME from hospital day for me today! 🥳 Surgery #3 on the chest area.
The last few days…..let’s assess. 🤓
I have been cared for like a queen whilst I have resided at this lovely hospital and am so grateful for that. 🙏🏻 Amazing place, amazing staff, amazing everything.
Other elements of my 4-5 day stay have been a bit shite…..I won’t lie! Only because ‘Pain’ and ‘Discomfort’ decided to show their faces as if they had these titles etched on their lapels whilst boldly striding into my hospital room, forces to be reckoned with, and stating firmly and loudly “We are in charge these next few days, lady! Don’t get all high and mighty and have your overcoming attitude with us!”
Day 1 – I actually thought, immediately post op, I was The Boss of the Pain and Discomfort. Nothing really hurt. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh, but no, that would’ve been the general anaesthetic still running through my veins and because I wasn’t able to move much there was little chance of the pain kicking in anyway! When it wore off…..Jeez Louise! Pain was definitely the Boss of me with a capital B (or is it capital P? D’you know what I mean with this saying? 🤔 Help me out on that one, folks). Anyway, I knew Pain and Discomfort would turn up at some point but I was naive to the level of their strength. And the sheer and downright rudeness, their bullish attitude when wanting to ‘enter the mix’, shall we say….what a bloody cheek. The audacity of them both….to reduce me to tears on a few occasions! B*stards! Both of them!
So, you know me (#belikeabbie) I had to assure myself that this was all the more reason to find the silver linings. Sometimes it’s necessary to dig really deep and I’m diggin’ very deep at the moment, people. They are always there though if we do our best impersonation of a mole steadfastly burrowing into a hole…..Silver linings and things to be grateful for, are always there. (On that note, is the proper English, ‘things for which to be grateful?’ Sod that, that doesn’t sound right to me so I’m going with my version….’things to be grateful for’. Thank you very much.
Here is my comprehensive list.
It’s all over! The surgery is done. I am out the other side. And I have a noob! (New boob! 😁) A real one this time.
tummytuck. A rather drastic way to get a tuck of the tummy variety, scoop the fat out from my tummy and put it in my chest area to build a ‘noob’, but happy about the flatter tummy all the same. Saved me having to be flat chested on one side which was the only other option in this scenario. I can’t worry about the new set of scars I’m left with either (a hip-to-hip scar under the knicker line. And more, in different places this time, breast scars). I’m like a patchwork quilt these days. Who cares? I’m still here on this earth. That’s the main thing.
Laughter about the ‘tie-up-at-the-back’ hospital gowns. Very practical for the job in hand but, of course, and when not trying to choke me at the top of the gown, it meant my bare (rather flabby) bottom has been on show for all to see! Poor doctors and nurses. 🙈 Ya give up caring about these sorts of things after a while don’t ya? Had the caretaker had had a flash too it wouldn’t have bothered me! All par for the course I feel. 😅
Nurses/Carers – you’re all AMAZING! They’ve wiped my a**, put up with the fact that I stench a bit from not showering, had my stinky breath in their face and had my ‘foof’ in their direct eye line! Hats off to you incredible humans! (Family, loved ones, friends at home….if you come bearing grapes, bring nose pegs too. Ya might need them 😝)
Time! Time……to do not much. Except rest, read, write my blogs/write parts for the book I’m writing, watch tele, nap, think, be still. Just…..BE.
Catheters! Whoever invented them….I bloody love you. Not had one before. Mine was called Cathy. (Not all that original I know! 🙃) Could we choose to have these fitted if we ever get a bit lazy?! 🤔 Can we? 🫣 Rhetorical, that question. I know the answer. Nevertheless, a marvellous invention!
Natural Progression! Day 1 – Took me 20 minutes and 3 nurses to get up off the bed to a standing position for a few minutes and back down again. Cue lightheadedness, nausea and crying out in agony. They wanted to sit me in a chair. No can do, at that stage. Sorry. Day 3 – (once ‘Cathy the catheter’ was out) It took me an hour to do all that and get to the bathroom, do my business, do a bit more business, like washing my face and brushing my teeth, and shuffle back to, and climb back onto, my bed. All the while at least one nurse standing by to aide me. Day 4/5 – I was feeling totally SMUG 😌 as it only took me 20 minutes to do the whole of Day 3’s process….ALL BY MYSELF don’t ya know! 😁
The fact that I don’t look quite as awful as I did minutes after I came round from my op. (See pic no.1). I would not have blamed Adam one bit if he thought at that point…..”this scary looking, pale-faced, woman is not for me anymore! 😱” But no, he’s still around so he’s, quite obviously, a keeper. 😍
Laxatives. No explanation needed.
Makeup. Pic 6 I have put a little bit of blusher and mascara on for going home day. Makeup is great for making us look less shit! 😂 Oh how I love it and the very reason I have my own business in skin care and makeup.
Last, but by no means least…..my surgeons. Thank you to them. They are both incredible! This procedure happens all the time so it’s no biggie for them. But for me, it’s a new, different and unknown experience. I am so grateful they trained in their specialist field and have amazing skills in oncoplastic surgery.
So, that’s that. WAIT!!!!!
Things you should ignore….the splodge of blueberry compote I spilled on my hospital gown in pic 4!
Things you shouldn’t ignore….’Rosie’, my rose quartz for healing crystal Angel, I am clutching in pics 2 and 3. She kept me safe.
So that’s that now. My last few days in a (not so brief) account. You may be interested to hear about it, you may not, both is absolutely fine with me. 😊
I shall pick up my dignity from the ‘Dignity Box’ at the hospital reception desk which I left there on the way in last Saturday and be on my way. 😁
So, even though the last few days have been incredibly difficult at times, I make it a daily practice, and wherever possible, to look for positive aspects of any given situation, no matter how dire. And also, in my mind, seeing the funny side is essential. If we don’t laugh, we’ll wallow and cry a lot. And that doesn’t help our mental state or the mental state of anyone around us for that matter.
An anniversary is often something to celebrate. This very day, 4 years ago, I was told I had breast cancer. To celebrate this day or not celebrate this day…..? 🤔 That is the question. I will always remember the date, that’s for sure.
On 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. Crikey!! I did NOT expect THAT! 😳 I had been growing a 10cm nasty tumour but didn’t know it at the time. (10cm!!! And didn’t know it?! Where the f**k was I looking?! 🙄) After hearing those words and being handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ leaflet, I thought about my little boy, who was being picked up from school by his Daddy, and my first thought was, “But….what if I don’t see my son grow up? What if he goes through most of his life without his Mummy?” 😞 At first, these grave thoughts consumed my anxious mind.
Fast forward a few months, I had got my ‘bald’ head around the news, and what was going on, on a practical level but mentally, it was challenging.
Looking back at some of the photos of myself mid-treatment (see below), it brings a tear to my eye, it has to be said. When I looked in the mirror every day back then, I didn’t recognise myself. Cancer had robbed me of so much, the obvious visible aspects but also my hormones and my identity to boot. And it seemed at the time, to be such a long recovery road ahead. Would I ever get back to feeling and looking like myself?
In order to accept who I was becoming, it meant a change in mindset. I had little choice but to change my way of thinking once those initial grave thoughts had been banished from my mind. I had a challenge ahead of me and I knew that.
So I set to work…..a daily task, it needed to be.
After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a bald head….I saw resilience.
After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a lack of one breast….I saw strength.
After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see scars….I saw, and still see, survival.
After practicing self acceptance each day, I saw the person on the inside rather than concentrating on the outside shell which was….is….so very different.
Even after 4 years, I still have moments where my emotions break down and the tears flow. I am still getting used to the new ‘me’. It has been, and in fact continues to be, such a rough ride what with all the medication I take and post cancer treatment I have to stop the disease returning; I ride the ups and downs with the same mindset I adopted near the beginning after the initial blow of the ‘c’ word. I decide to make each day count now. I choose to see silver linings.
So, for all you have given me…..the 3rd of December, I celebrate you and the lessons in life you have taught me.
Thank you for all you have done for me over these past few months BUT in a few weeks, you must go! Goodbye tummy, hello new boob. 👋🏼
It’s true to say, tummy fat, it’s a love/hate relationship we are currently experiencing; you may have felt that vibe. I have become accustomed to you being here in my body but it has to be said, and forgive me for being so blunt, I will NOT miss you!
From your point of view, don’t fear, we still have a few weeks together, you don’t have to make your gory departure just yet but your leaving party has been organised for Saturday 11th January next year. And after that time you’ll be gone, in the situ to which you’ve become accustomed, and magically appear on the right side of my chest. (Wahoo! A ‘real’ boob again!)
I have been growing you, dear tummy fat, for a good few months now and you have appeared, rather predictably, after every mouthful of chocolate, every crisp, biscuit, big wedge of cheese or fizzy cola bottle I’ve shoved into my gob! And even though I have slightly resented you being here (my trousers don’t fit around the waist!) we both know, you have appeared for one good reason….so you could go ‘under the knife’, whilst I am put to sleep, and be distributed somewhere else in my body where you are needed more. So, well done for being so compliant and joining the ‘build up some fat’ party I am hosting.
I just have one question for you though, tummy fat, as I’ve been pondering about this for some time now…..Erm…..why were ‘thigh fat’, ‘bum lard’ and ‘face podge’ invited to the ‘build up some fat’ party? Because I don’t recall sending them an invitation. 🤔 They seem to have gatecrashed and come along ‘for the ride’ anyway! So, I wonder if I could ask you to have a quiet word with all of them please, do your best door-bouncer impression and tell them to ‘GET OUT, PISS OFF!’ They’ve definitely outstayed their welcome! I fear it may take them a good while to ‘Foxtrot Oscar’ though, don’t you?
So, dear tummy fat, you’ve had your few months residency now and as I’ve mentioned, I’ve not really enjoyed your company and not relished you being around my middle but one thing is for sure, looking for those silver linings as I like to do (#belikeabbie 😊), you’ve served your purpose well. And I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart…..you will save me from being flat-chested on one side. Because as you know, ‘fake’ boob #1 was inserted after my cancer-ridden natural one was lopped off. That then ended up having to be surgically removed and replacement ‘fake’ boob #2 took residency. But she has now met the same fate. So, for that reason, I will be truly grateful to you when the time comes for your leaving party in January. You will end up being my saviour. The love/hate scenario explained!
Safe onward journey further north on my body, tummy fat. You’ve served your purpose and it’s soon time to leave.
I haven’t posted on my blog for a while. There’s no reason really. Just because…..
The next ‘post cancer’ stage……
The new chemo pill (preventive medicine) is booked for September. Twice a day, every day. Now, stay away cancer!! Thank you very much. 🙏🏻
Looking back from THEN to NOW, over 2 years on. As many of you know, I went on a little journey over the last time period and so did my hair!
That ‘end of tunnel’ light was very dim in December 2020! 😞 It got dimmer before it got brighter. I then started to see the light glowing through the tunnel. A few months later, the light got brighter, and then brighter still. 💫
Anyone going through the same…..hold onto hope.
I’ve been gauging my hair growth on my recovery. Why? 🤔 You may ask. I had fairly long hair before cancer, therefore the longer my hair grows post cancer, the further away from having had the disease I feel I’m getting. I suppose psychologically, in my head, it might mean I’m safer, perhaps? I’m further away from the nastiness, if that makes any sense at all? That’s how I like to look at it anyway.
The last period in pictures……
Image 1 – 3rd December 2020 (on the day of Breast Cancer diagnosis)
Image 2 – January 2021 (hair shedding) 😞
Image 3 – Feb 2021 (completely bald)
Image 4 – May 2021 (hair starts to grow back, a whispering of soft hair)
Image 5 – June 2021 (a good head coverage)
Image 6 – July 2023 (Today…..after many hair trims to keep the style shapely)
So, the longer my hair gets, the further away from having had cancer I feel. I am certainly living life to the full, unafraid to shout loudly that you, too, can live life to the full no matter what is going on for you.
Looking ahead to a BIG birthday in three years’ time, I will celebrate the life I lead every day and not just on birthdays and special occasions. Every day is a special occasion to me. #belikeabbie
This very day exactly one year ago in the morning, I had two natural breasts. By the afternoon, I had just one. I said goodbye to the breast I was born with and that had grown with me through puberty. Even though it was riddled with the disease we all know as Cancer, I did like my boob, it has to be said. I was quite happy with my chest area, thank you very much, before Cancer came a-knocking!
“I will never be the same again….EVER!” I cried rivers of tears into my sister’s neck every time I thought about it. With her tender and loving arms around me, I slobbered on her shoulder, the ugly crying (akin to Toni Colette’s character, Muriel, in the film Muriel’s Wedding if you’ve ever seen it), and spit and snot saturating my sister’s lovely new top.
“Why me? What’s happened to my body? Where’s the old me? The pre-Cancer me. I’m scared to be the new ‘me’ post Cancer. Why has the loss of my breast changed me? I don’t know who this person is! Don’t recognise her emotionally or physically. What if I don’t like being the new ‘me’? Will I ever accept who I’ve become? Will I ever get used to the scars ‘the new me’ bears?”
These were my words and thoughts on many an occasion when I looked in the mirror at myself post mastectomy/implant reconstruction surgery. I forced myself to look frequently because I had to if I were to become comfortable with what I saw staring back at me. You may or may not know, I wasn’t given the option of a ‘natural fat tissue’ reconstruction. DIEP they call it….a type of reconstruction that uses a woman’s own tissue to create a new breast after a mastectomy. I didn’t have enough fat on me to go down this route. A good problem to have some might say. Not in this case. A silicone implant reconstruction was my only option. Either that or be left flat on one side. No boob at all. I chose to go with the implant.
“Don’t get stuck on how things used to be”, I tell myself.
I once heard the saying, “Every next level of your life will demand a new you”. And sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself. And this, in turn, can take time to readjust.
I am reminded of the song, ‘This Is Me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’. The chorus reads:
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me.
The Greatest Showman
So dear readers – THIS IS ME!
Drawing by Laura Clifford
This mirror image artist’s impression will show you what I see each day in the mirror before I get dressed in the morning.
The reconstructed breast….what a truly amazing creation it is; it’s not what I was born with though. Why don’t they match? Why aren’t they level? (Radiotherapy after the mastectomy/reconstruction has done that. I was warned of this and chose to proceed with this type of surgery anyway so I’m not complaining but it does take some adjustment in my mind).
And where has my nipple gone? Damn you Cancer, you took away my nipple too! The Cancer was only in one breast so the good one remains in tact but having fed a child, it’s ‘au naturel’ and well, quite frankly, not as pert as the new creation on the opposite side. My surgeon is amazing though, by the way. She built me an incredible boob, she really did. It just doesn’t look like the other side and it was never going to because of the shape of the ones I was given and what they looked like once puberty had kicked in.
A beautiful friend once said to me, “Are you placing beauty on how you’ve always looked?”
It was time to change my view of how I’m looking now. The version of me, before my Cancer journey, is screaming ‘find me, come back!’ But I have had to transition from then to now. I was given no choice, if I was to practice self acceptance.
The fact of the matter is though, behind the scar, it’s still the same heart. I may look different underneath clothes but I am still ‘me’. Just a better version of me, in my opinion. A stronger, braver, more courageous ‘me’. A more resilient ‘me’. There are people in my life who don’t recognise the new ‘me’ and I have to be ok with that. And so do they, however painful it is.
My loving heart hasn’t changed, it’s a heart that’s loved and lost, been broken many times and been put back together again, caused hurt to others on occasion because, let’s face it, nobody’s perfect and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that too. It’s a heart that has done its best to be true. Even if some don’t see it that way.
A heart that, even after all I’ve been through, is still beating.
An odd, possibly slightly controversial, sentence to see written before you, right? I bet you blinked twice and repeated it to yourself again thinking you’d read it wrong the first time. Some may think I’ve gone stark raving mad, think I’m deluded. In fact, I imagine many of you would think that. And I wouldn’t blame you. ‘She’s delusional!’ I hear you say. ‘She’s bloody bonkers’ I see your lips mutter. No judgment please folks….hear me out if you will.
Have you ever wondered why you get so much shit landing in your lap? Why bad stuff happens to you? Why you feel like you’ve done wrong in a past life and life says: ‘here, have this crap to deal with and while you’re at it, dearest current life, whilst you’re here, add a shed load of shit shavings on top of that won’t you!’
Well, my life has been and continues to be pretty good if the truth be known. I have had my fair share of rubbish times though, domestic violence/physical and mental abuse inflicted on me, that leading to depression, loss of three friends in car accidents, grief of loved ones, baby loss, a challenging (yet now adorable) child in his early years before an Autism diagnosis was handed to him, and then, to top it off…..’effing’ breast cancer.
But…..have you ever been so peaceful about life’s process? The ‘road map’ of life that’s been handed to you. Do we understand why certain crappy happenings have been sent our way, handed to us to cope with? ‘Aaaaaaahhhhhhh I know why’ I say to myself, I understand why I had to endure what I’ve had to, which is far less than most have had to deal with. I know precisely why…..it’s all to make me stronger, to give me the fight and confidence I was lacking, to let me know I can overcome anything if I put my mind to it. I get it now.
The latest challenge might have taken my right boob away from me forever, but I am thankful this challenge gave me a clearer general perspective. And it may have taken the majority of my fingernails but they’ve grown back now. And the life challenge I mention may have taken my hair for a short while too but hey, it’s growing back and it’ll look how I want it to look soon enough. And I wonder as it grows whether it’ll be better quality than before it decided to go AWOL because it was in shocking condition before. Dry and brittle from being subjected to too much heat from straightening irons.
‘So, let’s start a fresh, shall we?’ my life plan proclaimed. ‘Let’s give this particular human being a reason to start over again. Begin life again with a clean slate.’
So, my advice is this if it’s worth anything……always give love to what tries to take you down, tries to ruin you and trust that all that comes to you is meant to for your own self development.
If you don’t LOVE the life you lead you’ll always find yourself trying to re-boot the computer images in your mind…….
*Technical Support:*
Yes, how can I help you?
*Customer:*
Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Could you guide me through the process please?
*Tech Support:*
Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
*Customer:*
Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?
*Tech Support:*
The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
*Customer:*
Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it ok to install Love while they are running?
*Tech Support:*
What programs are running?
*Customer:*
Let’s see….I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudges, and Resentment running right now.
*Tech Support:*
No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudges and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
*Customer:*
I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
*Tech Support:*
With pleasure. Go to your start menu and select Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudges and Resentment have been completely erased.
*Customer:*
Ok, done! Love has started installing itself. Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
*Tech Support:*
Don’t worry. In non technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive Self, Realise Your Worth, and Acknowledge your limitations. Then the update is complete and everything will run smoothly from now on.
……And THAT, dear readers, is how I got over Breast Cancer. I forgave it for coming to me. For me, it’s now not ‘F*ck You Cancer, you picked the wrong girl!’ It’s ‘Thank you Cancer, you picked the right girl!’
It’s exactly one year on and….well….I’m still here! 🙏🏻 This very day, one year ago, 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. My day was a happy one until that moment. I have to be honest, I walked into my scheduled hospital appointment in complete denial. Then my whole world shattered in an instant. A click of the fingers and your life flashes before your very eyes. I looked around the room for support and comfort…..none. But I knew that anyway. There was no-one there with me because of Covid, not because nobody offered to accompany me. I had to attend the appointment alone. To hear that devastating news whilst by yourself is soul crushing and scary. Did I know at the time that I would be one of the lucky ones to survive this horrible disease? My prognosis was good so I discovered later. But in that moment, on hearing my diagnosis, all that flashed before my very eyes was the possibility of a shortened life.
If I were to have written a letter to myself, say, a few years prior to that moment in the hospital room, quiet enough to hear a pin drop, my heavy sobs the only sound, these are the words I’d have used when putting pen to paper…..
Dear Abbie,
There will come a time in your life, in the not too distant future, when you will be presented with something that is going to shake your world, turn it upside down a bit. A word of warning…..be prepared! It’s going to be a rough ride. Hold on to the ‘hand rails’ and don’t let go. Don’t you dare let go. Do your best to grip tightly, taking note, having an awareness of why it’s landed in your lap and learning valuable lessons as you navigate through the difficult time.
It’ll be a happening in your life that will test your strength and your sanity, try and rob you of your life, quite literally. It will try and put a stop to your very existence in this physical world, attempt to make you buckle or wilt under the pressure, the pain and the heartache. It’s a disease that will end up taking your hair for a short time and one of your breasts so that your body will never be quite the same again. Learn to accept and love your new body anyway….you must. Promise me you will.
This body of yours will be filled with strong drugs to try and kill the disease before it kills you. Your body will be weak at times but be sure to keep your mind strong. You will have to work on doing this every day without fail. This will ensure that you drop kick this disease and boot it into touch. You will beat it in style and shout loud and proud ‘F**k You Cancer, you lost, you did not beat me’. You will take a bow when it has been defeated and the ‘war is won’. Pat yourself on the back. You will, however, always remember the people you have known in your life who this disease did defeat and hold them in your thoughts.
Through all of this, the struggle and the sadness, you will learn important life lessons though, which you will take as a positive. You will discover that you are stronger than you think you are, you are worthy of living a good and happy life, you are important enough to still take up space in this world. It will not take you down because you didn’t give it permission to do so.
You will learn to respect yourself, look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see. You will realise it came to you to teach you not to sweat the small stuff in life. You will then live unapologetically with confidence knowing in your heart of hearts that you are a better person for it; different, that is true, but better. It will bring you some sadness along the way but you will come out fighting and know that it came to show you that life is worth living and it will be a happy one at that.
You will then share your learnings. In sharing your life, your journey, and being an ‘open book’, the main reason being to try and help others overcome any kind of adversity with a particular way of thinking and feeling, you will welcome mixed opinions and some might judge, saying “why is she so ‘out there?’”, others finding solace and comfort in your honesty and upfront approach. You will be ok with this as you know you’re sharing your journey for the right reasons….to guide others in believing they, too, can overcome life’s challenges with the correct mindset and showing them to look for the joy in life, search for those silver linings. Because you know they are there if you only choose to look for them and you wish for others to realise this for themselves.
You will gain confidence knowing that if you can beat cancer, you can try your darnedest to conquer anything life throws at you. You will think to yourself, ‘I am enough’ without anyone’s validation. You will succeed and will live to tell the tale.
Good luck! And when the time comes, show that ‘effing’ disease who is boss. Acknowledge and accept that there will be days where you’re not coping well and that’s fine. Allow them to be there, work through them knowing they will not last. Stay strong in your belief to overcome this period of your life. I know you can do this. Do yourself proud!
Which shop would you rather visit? Hear me out here folks….then I think I can hazard a guess as to what your answer would be.
So, the Build-A-Bear shop. At first I thought I was mistaken as to whether there was such an establishment. I use our old friend, Google, to find out if I was imagining this ‘stuffing something and making a cute, cuddly thing’ experience and it appears I am not mistaken. There is actually a shop called ‘Build-A-Bear’.
Have you taken a visit with your child or grandchild or perhaps the random kid you happened to be looking after that day, to keep them busy and entertained and to stop the constant whining of….’Can I watch Bear in the Big Blue House’ or ‘Why isn’t Playhouse Disney on?’ or ‘I don’t want to watch Loose Women, what about my programmes?’ or the phrase ‘I WANT ANDY’S DINO TOY BOX!’ on repeat at a high level of decibels.
I find on Google that their slogan is this:
“Only at Build-A-Bear® can you experience the fun of making your own custom soft toys, plushies and teddy bears”.
Ok, so firstly, what the hell are plushies? Can I call my chest area ‘plushies’?
Well….I’m not interested in Build-A-Bear here, oh no no no, dear readers, I’m talking about a different kind of shop altogether….and it’s called Build-A-Boob. Build-A-Boob (in my own warped imagination so humour me here folks!) is the shop you go to when your ‘Norks’, your ‘Bodacious set of Tartars’, those ‘Juggling Balls’ need updating. Or in my case, just the one boob, the rogue tit that misbehaved and went and let Cancer in, just the one side that needed to be revamped, totally built from scratch. At least at Build-A-Bear you get the fur casing as a starting point, the warm and cuddly outer shell. At Build-A-Boob the shopping experience is a whole different ball game. Yes, it’s similar in that you get to stuff the outer casing (albeit not quite so furry unless you suffer from an abnormally hairy chest. Thankfully I don’t) but, you don’t end up with something warm, cuddly and full of heart and soul, it’s a bit cold and heartless, albeit an amazing creation, it has to be said.
So, lovely peeps, come on into my, frankly quite weird, imagination…..let’s explore the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob, shall we?
Firstly though, I wonder what my Build-A-Boob slogan would be? How’s this for starters?
Hmmmm….let’s make it a little bit more realistic shall we…..?
“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pain of having your mammory removed, then making your own custom Tit, Plushy or Nork with an alien imposter”.
(Oh yes, I think I’m going to have lots of fun with this! 😉 Those who know me well know that lightheartedness and lots of laughter was the only way to be, in my opinion, when you’ve just gone through the truly shitty journey that is cancer).
Or…..
“Only at Build-A-Boob will you learn to sleep upright for days on end, sleeping like a pencil in one position, frightened to move an inch for fear of rolling on said newly formed and tender tit!”
Or…..
“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the frustration of leaving your drains behind, which are actually attached to your body under your armpit, when you get up in middle of the night for a wee because you’ve momentarily forgotten they were there!” (That was certainly an ‘Ouch’ moment, I can tell you).
“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pulling muscle sensation when you lift the kettle forgetting that your newly built Tit, Plushy or Nork is trying to tell you to ‘Stop doing too bloody much woman!’”
(I really AM having fun with these made up slogans….!)
“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the depressing realisation of seeing one boob stand to attention, and the other one head south a bit (gravity has taken hold!) whilst that ‘drooper’ states in a rather frustrated tone of voice, ‘I’m darned if I’m gonna stay like this, like a saggy ‘has-been’ for the rest of my existence!’”
I could go on but perhaps I ought to stop there!
So, getting back to the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob.
At the stuffing a Teddy Bear variant, once you are done and your bear is stuffed, you can make the bear talk. You can choose a pre-recorded message that says something like, ‘I love you’ when you press it in the middle, on its tummy. You can choose a heart for it, kiss it and make a wish, before it then gets sewn up.
At my boob equivalent shop, when you press the middle of the boob, which incidentally has been cut open and ‘un-stuffed’ first, all the material taken away and replaced with silicone, it’s not the boob that says anything it’s me saying ‘ouch, that’s so bloody painful!’ So the boob itself doesn’t say a thing, quite obviously, unlike the programmed teddy bear. But IF the titty could talk I wonder what it would say? Possibly this……’I’m the best you got now girl!’ or ‘Appreciate me more would you as I’m only here because Cancer isn’t’. Hmmmmm….I take your point oh precious boob that’s just been created, is here to stay and is an indication that I am, in fact, alive. Instead, I shall begin thanking you for showing up.
Ok, so, now let’s look at the similarities between the two establishments, shall we?
The stuffing itself that is inserted in the Bear AND the Boob! Yes, they both have a filling but the type of filling in each is entirely different altogether. No need to elaborate any further on that one.
You get a certificate with the Build-A-Bear showing its date of birth and similarly at my Build-A-Boob shop, you get a guarantee for yer tit/s from the date of creation….pretty much the same thing don’t you think? You get to name your bear and if you so desire, you can name your chest creation too. Although mine doesn’t have a name. Anyone fancy making suggestions?
Another similarity…..the fur or hair. The bear has fur. Ok, so the boob doesn’t have hair as such, only those little natural body hairs. Here I go….I feel I’m about to go off on one of my infamous tangents!
On the subject of the inevitable hair loss that comes with the kind of chemotherapy I was having. I lost all of my hair. And I mean ALL of it, everywhere. Even my nose would run because the hairs up my nose had gone AWOL! Who’d have thought.
And the little fluffy hairs we have on our face, they went too. I was told that one of the side effects of chemotherapy might mean my skin sheds or can flake off. Oh my gosh…I was horrified at the thought. Panicking at the thought of looking like a character from a horror movie. Only to notice that my skin had actually never looked better. It looked fresher, felt more supple, plumper (in a good way)….but why? They told me it could flake off. Ahhhhh I know why……I’d lost those little facial hairs. Of course it looked better. Think of a man’s chin when it is shaven versus not clean shaven. It looks clearer, appears cleaner. So of course my face could, and did, look fresher.
So, I’d go so far as to say I preferred the way I looked when undergoing chemotreatment….figure that. Then when those little facial hairs came back, when the hair follicles kicked into action again, I noticed I needed more moisturiser on my face, it needed more hydration, it seemed more difficult to apply the foundation onto my face because those hairs got in the way.
Don’t get me wrong I do not want to have to endure chemo again to have better looking skin, oh no thank you very much! Just merely an observation. It was an interesting discovery.
So to conclude….I declare my imaginary Build-A-Boob shop now open for business and I am my own first client, the shop has had its first sale, so to speak.
Just think, nobody will be able to call me ‘saggy tits’ when I get to a certain age where gravity will take over to a greater degree. Well…they may call me ‘saggy tit!’ But all my friends will be called ‘saggy tits’….plural….so I WIN!
Hmmmmmm….something tells me my shop isn’t going to be very busy, I may have to close down sooner than I anticipated. In all honesty, let’s bloody hope so, eh! After all, who really wants to have to come through the doors to my imaginary shop? Not if they can help it.
So, I guess the moral of this story, don’t purchase from my Build-A-Boob shop if you don’t have to. If you do come to me, I’ll assume you’re here because Cancer decided to invade your life too. And for that, I am sorry and I am here for you. Remember, we are in this together, us warriors.
P.S. I did take my little boy to a Build-A-Bear workshop not too long ago .. he built a very cool bear and named him R2-D2. He dressed him in dungarees, roller skates and added some glitter for extra sparkle. Definitely a fun outing!
“How did you do it? Survive cancer?”….. My friends have said.
People have asked me how I did it. Many have said, “How did you fight cancer with such an upbeat attitude, a smile on your face for the majority of the time and continuing to enjoy life and laugh a lot through the truly awful process? I couldn’t do it.”
My answer is this: “Yes you could”.
I’m no more special than you are, I’m not stronger than you, I’m really not. But I chose to have the courage to keep going in the face of adversity, when I was given reasons to not keep going, and that’s the truth of it. You could do the same if you just made the choice to be brave and courageous.
Everything that I have been through, here’s the list. (This is for information purposes only and I would add it’s not as much as some have had to cope with in life):
Lump found Dec 2019
Given the all clear Feb 2020
March-Sep 2020 lump still there getting bigger and bigger
Return to Drs…..Grade 3 breast cancer diagnosis Dec 2020
Chemotherapy and all its side effects (fatigue, mouth sores, throat problems (ongoing), bowel problems, breathlessness, sore fingertips (unable to open cans etc), nose bleeds, nausea and sickness, hair loss, nail loss, facial cellulitis)
Single mastectomy and reconstruction surgery (overcoming the surgery itself, intense pain, physical changes in my body therefore emotional experiences learning to adjust)
Finishing off with 3 weeks of intense radiotherapy every weekday
Early induced menopause at age 45 still to come….
And still I kept going.
You see, all you have to do in the face of adversity is hold onto hope even when you could easily give up hope.
Life is hard, it’s true, but why say….”I’ll be happy when…..[fill in the blank]?”
People are afraid to be happy sometimes because life IS hard and there are a lot of reasons to be afraid, a lot of reasons to give up on life but, you see, there are also a lot of reasons to be thankful. Where would you rather put your focus?
Life can be very tough at times; my advice is to embrace both ends of the stick where life is concerned. Embrace that life is hard AND beautiful. Why do we feel like we have to choose one to focus on? Go with it and embrace the hard parts just as much as the easy parts, the sh*t bits just as much as the good bits. When we embrace the rollercoaster of life, that’s when life is harmonious and we feel alive.
And why be ashamed to say ‘my life is hard, I’m not coping’. (I have been saying that often over the last couple of weeks at the time of writing this). You CAN cope but it’s ok to think you can’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s truth. Truth is real. And the reality is we don’t always cope and that’s entirely ok. Why deny that?
A quote I heard recently….”When we deny the pain of today, we deny the hope of the future” and I agree, why do that? Both are real feelings.
Life doesn’t get easier, life is not simple. What IS simple is your view of the life you lead if you choose to embrace both ends of the stick.
So that’s how I did it. That’s how I survived cancer. And that’s how I am still living my life now…..cancer free.
Abbie’s Boobie Blog 