3rd December…..an anniversary to celebrate, or not?

An anniversary is often something to celebrate. This very day, 4 years ago, I was told I had breast cancer. To celebrate this day or not celebrate this day…..? 🤔 That is the question. I will always remember the date, that’s for sure.

On 3rd December 2020, at precisely 3.30pm, I heard the words ‘I’m sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer’. Crikey!! I did NOT expect THAT! 😳 I had been growing a 10cm nasty tumour but didn’t know it at the time. (10cm!!! And didn’t know it?! Where the f**k was I looking?! 🙄) After hearing those words and being handed the ‘chemotherapy and hair loss’ leaflet, I thought about my little boy, who was being picked up from school by his Daddy, and my first thought was, “But….what if I don’t see my son grow up? What if he goes through most of his life without his Mummy?” 😞 At first, these grave thoughts consumed my anxious mind.

Fast forward a few months, I had got my ‘bald’ head around the news, and what was going on, on a practical level but mentally, it was challenging.

Looking back at some of the photos of myself mid-treatment (see below), it brings a tear to my eye, it has to be said. When I looked in the mirror every day back then, I didn’t recognise myself. Cancer had robbed me of so much, the obvious visible aspects but also my hormones and my identity to boot. And it seemed at the time, to be such a long recovery road ahead. Would I ever get back to feeling and looking like myself?

In order to accept who I was becoming, it meant a change in mindset. I had little choice but to change my way of thinking once those initial grave thoughts had been banished from my mind. I had a challenge ahead of me and I knew that.

So I set to work…..a daily task, it needed to be.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a bald head….I saw resilience.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see a lack of one breast….I saw strength.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I didn’t see scars….I saw, and still see, survival.

After practicing self acceptance each day, I saw the person on the inside rather than concentrating on the outside shell which was….is….so very different.

Even after 4 years, I still have moments where my emotions break down and the tears flow. I am still getting used to the new ‘me’. It has been, and in fact continues to be, such a rough ride what with all the medication I take and post cancer treatment I have to stop the disease returning; I ride the ups and downs with the same mindset I adopted near the beginning after the initial blow of the ‘c’ word. I decide to make each day count now. I choose to see silver linings.

So, for all you have given me…..the 3rd of December, I celebrate you and the lessons in life you have taught me.

Happy 3rd December one and all. 🙏🏻

#belikeabbie