Build-A-Bear vs. Build-A-Boob

Which shop would you rather visit? Hear me out here folks….then I think I can hazard a guess as to what your answer would be. 

So, the Build-A-Bear shop. At first I thought I was mistaken as to whether there was such an establishment. I use our old friend, Google, to find out if I was imagining this ‘stuffing something and making a cute, cuddly thing’ experience and it appears I am not mistaken. There is actually a shop called ‘Build-A-Bear’. 

Have you taken a visit with your child or grandchild or perhaps the random kid you happened to be looking after that day, to keep them busy and entertained and to stop the constant whining of….’Can I watch Bear in the Big Blue House’ or ‘Why isn’t Playhouse Disney on?’ or ‘I don’t want to watch Loose Women, what about my programmes?’ or the phrase ‘I WANT ANDY’S DINO TOY BOX!’ on repeat at a high level of decibels. 

I find on Google that their slogan is this:

“Only at Build-A-Bear® can you experience the fun of making your own custom soft toys, plushies and teddy bears”. 

Ok, so firstly, what the hell are plushies? Can I call my chest area ‘plushies’? 

Well….I’m not interested in Build-A-Bear here, oh no no no, dear readers, I’m talking about a different kind of shop altogether….and it’s called Build-A-Boob. Build-A-Boob (in my own warped imagination so humour me here folks!) is the shop you go to when your ‘Norks’, your ‘Bodacious set of Tartars’, those ‘Juggling Balls’ need updating. Or in my case, just the one boob, the rogue tit that misbehaved and went and let Cancer in, just the one side that needed to be revamped, totally built from scratch. At least at Build-A-Bear you get the fur casing as a starting point, the warm and cuddly outer shell. At Build-A-Boob the shopping experience is a whole different ball game. Yes, it’s similar in that you get to stuff the outer casing (albeit not quite so furry unless you suffer from an abnormally hairy chest. Thankfully I don’t) but, you don’t end up with something warm, cuddly and full of heart and soul, it’s a bit cold and heartless, albeit an amazing creation, it has to be said. 

So, lovely peeps, come on into my, frankly quite weird, imagination…..let’s explore the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob, shall we?

Firstly though, I wonder what my Build-A-Boob slogan would be? How’s this for starters? 

Hmmmm….let’s make it a little bit more realistic shall we…..?

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pain of having your mammory removed, then making your own custom Tit, Plushy or Nork with an alien imposter”.

(Oh yes, I think I’m going to have lots of fun with this! 😉 Those who know me well know that lightheartedness and lots of laughter was the only way to be, in my opinion, when you’ve just gone through the truly shitty journey that is cancer).

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob will you learn to sleep upright for days on end, sleeping like a pencil in one position, frightened to move an inch for fear of rolling on said newly formed and tender tit!”

Or…..

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the frustration of leaving your drains behind, which are actually attached to your body under your armpit, when you get up in middle of the night for a wee because you’ve momentarily forgotten they were there!” (That was certainly an ‘Ouch’ moment, I can tell you).

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the pulling muscle sensation when you lift the kettle forgetting that your newly built Tit, Plushy or Nork is trying to tell you to ‘Stop doing too bloody much woman!’”

(I really AM having fun with these made up slogans….!) 

“Only at Build-A-Boob can you experience the depressing realisation of seeing one boob stand to attention, and the other one head south a bit (gravity has taken hold!) whilst that ‘drooper’ states in a rather frustrated tone of voice, ‘I’m darned if I’m gonna stay like this, like a saggy ‘has-been’ for the rest of my existence!’”

I could go on but perhaps I ought to stop there! 

So, getting back to the differences between Build-A-Bear and Build-A-Boob.

At the stuffing a Teddy Bear variant, once you are done and your bear is stuffed, you can make the bear talk. You can choose a pre-recorded message that says something like, ‘I love you’ when you press it in the middle, on its tummy. You can choose a heart for it, kiss it and make a wish, before it then gets sewn up.

At my boob equivalent shop, when you press the middle of the boob, which incidentally has been cut open and ‘un-stuffed’ first, all the material taken away and replaced with silicone, it’s not the boob that says anything it’s me saying ‘ouch, that’s so bloody painful!’ So the boob itself doesn’t say a thing, quite obviously, unlike the programmed teddy bear. But IF the titty could talk I wonder what it would say? Possibly this……’I’m the best you got now girl!’ or ‘Appreciate me more would you as I’m only here because Cancer isn’t’. Hmmmmm….I take your point oh precious boob that’s just been created, is here to stay and is an indication that I am, in fact, alive. Instead, I shall begin thanking you for showing up.

Ok, so, now let’s look at the similarities between the two establishments, shall we?

The stuffing itself that is inserted in the Bear AND the Boob! Yes, they both have a filling but the type of filling in each is entirely different altogether. No need to elaborate any further on that one. 

You get a certificate with the Build-A-Bear showing its date of birth and similarly at my Build-A-Boob shop, you get a guarantee for yer tit/s from the date of creation….pretty much the same thing don’t you think? You get to name your bear and if you so desire, you can name your chest creation too. Although mine doesn’t have a name. Anyone fancy making suggestions?

Another similarity…..the fur or hair. The bear has fur. Ok, so the boob doesn’t have hair as such, only those little natural body hairs. Here I go….I feel I’m about to go off on one of my infamous tangents!

On the subject of the inevitable hair loss that comes with the kind of chemotherapy I was having. I lost all of my hair. And I mean ALL of it, everywhere. Even my nose would run because the hairs up my nose had gone AWOL! Who’d have thought.

And the little fluffy hairs we have on our face, they went too. I was told that one of the side effects of chemotherapy might mean my skin sheds or can flake off. Oh my gosh…I was horrified at the thought. Panicking at the thought of looking like a character from a horror movie. Only to notice that my skin had actually never looked better. It looked fresher, felt more supple, plumper (in a good way)….but why? They told me it could flake off. Ahhhhh I know why……I’d lost those little facial hairs. Of course it looked better. Think of a man’s chin when it is shaven versus not clean shaven. It looks clearer, appears cleaner. So of course my face could, and did, look fresher. 

So, I’d go so far as to say I preferred the way I looked when undergoing chemotreatment….figure that. Then when those little facial hairs came back, when the hair follicles kicked into action again, I noticed I needed more moisturiser on my face, it needed more hydration, it seemed more difficult to apply the foundation onto my face because those hairs got in the way. 

Don’t get me wrong I do not want to have to endure chemo again to have better looking skin, oh no thank you very much! Just merely an observation. It was an interesting discovery. 

So to conclude….I declare my imaginary Build-A-Boob shop now open for business and I am my own first client, the shop has had its first sale, so to speak. 

Just think, nobody will be able to call me ‘saggy tits’ when I get to a certain age where gravity will take over to a greater degree. Well…they may call me ‘saggy tit!’ But all my friends will be called ‘saggy tits’….plural….so I WIN! 

Hmmmmmm….something tells me my shop isn’t going to be very busy, I may have to close down sooner than I anticipated. In all honesty, let’s bloody hope so, eh! After all, who really wants to have to come through the doors to my imaginary shop? Not if they can help it. 

So, I guess the moral of this story, don’t purchase from my Build-A-Boob shop if you don’t have to. If you do come to me, I’ll assume you’re here because Cancer decided to invade your life too. And for that, I am sorry and I am here for you. Remember, we are in this together, us warriors. 

P.S. I did take my little boy to a Build-A-Bear workshop not too long ago .. he built a very cool bear and named him R2-D2. He dressed him in dungarees, roller skates and added some glitter for extra sparkle. Definitely a fun outing!

#belikeabbie